Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Alone

Have you ever scrolled down who's online on Facebook and thought to yourself "They wouldn't care anyway..."? Story of my life... I feel like not only am I busy, but so are all of my friends. Everybody has everything planned out and what they're going to do each weekend, but when I need somebody in that certain moment... I feel abandoned. I don't know what I need somebody, but I feel like now's just a time in my life where I just need to sit down, get stress out of my system and cry and cry and cry. Why is it that I know there's certain people that I can come to for help, but I feel like I have to do all of this... alone.

Alone. My one and only true nightmare. How terrifying it would be to be alone in this world, with the world around you circling slowly, but spinning so fast and everyone around you has a friend except the one who needs it most, you... When it comes down to it... why is it that I feel like I'm the last choice when people think about who they want to hang out with? Why is it that I feel like I need to post my even non-inspirational feelings on here when I'm supposed to have this blog be about the Bek that's happy, and learns from the past, and gets on with it. THIS is my nightmare.

Even though I have Dawson, Krista, Sienna, and a handful of others, I feel like all I can really concentrate on at home is how alone I am and how nobody really loves me like I think they do. I worry too much, and I know I do. Why can't I feel different? Why can't I be like I was before... Loving and trusting every friend that comes into my life... I feel screwed over by nearly everyone. Most of them didn't even do anything, or don't know what they did wrong... Why can't they notice my tears? Why must my voice be silenced and suddenly taken away from me?

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I'm not Superwoman

The scary part of life is that sometimes you don't always know the intentions of others... What left do I have to give to them besides my ever-fading love for them, how can I continue to love them when I don't know whether they love me back? What kind of friend hardly ever talks to you, and constantly makes excuses as to why they can't come over to spend time with you? How am I supposed to even feel about what what she and many other of my faded friendships have done or neglected doing?

Its not just my friends that make life hard right now, its my family life. Sometimes I just don't know how to cope with the two plus balance school. I'm not superwoman. What do I need to do in order to make not only others happy, but myself included.

But then there's those friends that love you unconditionally. You cant help but love them back because of the constant love and appreciation they give you. To those friends, I say I love you. Without you, my life would be heck. Thank you,

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Things Guys Need to Know about Girls

*Special Requested April Post*

Alright, to start off this wonderful topic, I found this picture, and just for kicks and giggles found myself a dandy little quote to go with it. Just like the olden days. xD Hope you like! Please kick back and relax while you learn some of the things in my opinion that doesn't get thought about much by the boys of today about us girls.


1. KISSES AND HUGS TAKE AWAY ALL THE ANGER. If you just recently had a big fight, or even a small understanding, nothing will really make her day any better than a gentle kiss or a hug. I chose this because men usually tend to want to defend themselves, when all women want is an apology and a simple kiss.

2. WHEN A GIRL LAUGHS AT YOUR STUPID JOKES, IT MEANS SHE PROBABLY LIKES YOU. When you're not even really trying to impress her all that much with your corny lines and she's laughing, she wants to make you feel like she loves to hang out with you and that you make her happy.

3. DON'T MISINTERPRET HER. If she's silently looking at you, it means that she's simply just analyzing the situation before she reacts and says something. She is just resolving something when she looks at you.

4. WOMEN EXPRESS EMOTIONS. She's bound to want the same love back that she gives to you. If she tells you that you're sweet and kind, shoot back at her and tell her she's beautiful and lovely.

5. WOMEN HOLD GRUDGES UNTIL TRUST COMES BACK.  Women are very emotional, especially when it comes to relationships. When trust is broken, she may say that she has forgiven you, but most of the time, it isn't true because they still feel the pain, and hold the grudge for a long time.

6. USE SOME MORE ADJECTIVES. Even though it is a compliment to her to be called sexy or hot, still use words like cute, beautiful, and adorable to make her feel loved, as those words are more playful and they want to hear more of that overall.

7. IF SHE'S SHY AROUND YOU, SHE LOVES YOU. Do not be disappointed if a girl doesn't give you much attention or if she tries to avoid you. Overall, this depends on the girl.

8. SHE WANTS TO BE APPRECIATED. When she wears something new, and tries hard to make herself beautiful, all she wants to hear is a word of appreciation from you.

9. THE CHASE. As a man, you never stop chasing the women you love. Continue to tell her how much you love her, and expressing your love often. When a man says "but she already knows that I love her" that isn't the case because the women's mind processes that the man "loves her the last time he expressed, and told her he did."

10. NEVER POINT OUT BLEMISHES OR FAULTS IN A GIRL. Girls are super ultra sensitive when it comes to their own appearance. Any faults being pointed out, or even calling a girl fat, can cause her to become depressed. Just note that it's all normal. We all have her faults. Treat those around you the way YOU would want to be treated. 

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Somebody to Rely On

At the lock-in, I had a lot of fun when I actually had people to talk to. Socializing and getting out of my pit of despair was the sole reason that I came to the lock-in. I was already sad enough and felt excluded a lot of the time when my friends told me to watch their things, and never came back. I understand that all of their attention wasn't even supposed to be focused on me, but I was hurt a lot of that time when I had to just sit alone while watching everyone else have tons of fun without me.

Other than that, when Dawson finally came to just spend time with me because he saw that I was hurt, the rest of the night was brilliant. There were a lot of things that I'd rather not talk about just because they are things that hurt my feelings unintentionally.

The look he gave me when I felt hurt was priceless. The look that I hadn't seen since My Heart's Raging Chaos. The look of comfort and protection that he always gives me when he's most concerned about how I'm doing instead of everyone else. I never mean to be selfish when it comes to these things, so I just kept my mouth shut and walked out of the room and sat down next to the office, just to have him just asking repeatedly, and just wondering what he might be able to do to fix me. When I'm silent and I storm off like that it's obvious that I'm holding back tears, and honestly I think he knew. I wanted to cry. Just like all the other times my feelings get hurt. I explain to him what happened and why I'm upset, as he simply just reassures me by just being the best boyfriend in the world. He just stayed by my side the rest of the night there on after until the hypnotist show ended at around 4:30 a.m.

He's that person that you can simply rely on once you are able to spill out your feelings. He makes you smile, and he gives you comfort and warmth that you can't find anywhere else. All he needed to hear was what was going through my head, and how he could help. All he needed to know was what was going on.

Earlier that day, me and Dawson got in a little fight, and he started avoiding me in 4th hour and the end of lunch. I could tell he was mad at me. After writing several hate notes to well.. myself, I began to feel myself about to break into tears.

I thought about all the things I told myself, and wondering about all the what if's I wrote:

Have you ever just wanted to sit down and kill yourself just to get the pain of life out of the way?
Have you ever wanted to just see what would happen if you had gone away?
What would life be like for those around me...without me?
Would it be better? Would it be worse?
What will I do if everyone's just better off?
What's my purpose? What's the reason for me even being here?
My boyfriend can't even explain why he loves me. Heck, he'd rather hang out with all of these other girls than he would me.
Kill me, get it all over with. Get rid of all of this pain. Get rid of my suffering. Give me a sign that somebody wants me.


I thought non-stop about my note, and it got to the point where I ended up moving to the back of the classroom in hopes nobody would notice if I did start crying. After class, I thought he would comfort me, right away and see that I was about to break down, but no... to my surprise, he wouldn't even reach for my hand or look at me. I felt like I was walking next to him, and not with him. I felt like he was about to leave me. Out of control, I saw Krista and hugged her and started to cry in her shoulder. Since my makeup was all messed up, I went into the bathroom to wipe it all off, and then when I came out, to my surprise, there he was standing there waiting to aide me in my need.

The bell was about to ring, so I ran to my next class... where I knew I had NO friends...whatsoever. Not even one who cared the slightest about me. I sat there finishing up crying, and wiping off my smudgy eyeliner. To my astonishment, nobody even really noticed. Nobody even bothered to ask. Not even the teacher. I sat there in tears, trying to keep myself together. I knew I had been lying to myself. I tried to get myself on a happy side... it wasn't working. At all. I sat there in class nearly in tears with every moment that passed by, wiping my eyes with the paper towel I had grabbed.. it was still really wet with my tears and the water I had poured on it to help get off the makeup. I felt terrible. I couldn't believe I had just broken down, and nothing really dramatic had even happened.

The bell rang, and I walked to my boyfriend who came to see me after class before I left with Sienna and Tyler to King's. I hugged him, and hugged him and hugged him as he tried to reassure me that everything was going to be okay and that he doesn't hate me or anything... I felt his warmth more and more, I wanted to sit and stay with him in his arms. But I realized my own problem. Attachment. Ready to face the issue, I ran down the stairs to go walk with them after saying goodbye to him.

Sienna, Tyler, and I had tons of fun walking to King's talking about random crap having to do with the new club we're trying to form called the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) to how Tyler met our mothers. It was a lot of fun. It was also refreshing to know that I didn't always have to hang out with him, and that there's others that care about me.

On my way home, I started to once again doubt myself and wonder who really even cared. Thinking to myself, Give me a sign that somebody wants me. I was scared. Nobody seemed to care except for when I simply just write up a blog post like this. All my breakdowns happen when nearly nobody knows, and when I need them most, they never speak. But what am I supposed to expect? Their full and direct attention to me? No! I don't want them all asking me what's wrong because I honestly don't know. What I need right now more than ever is a friend to just sit down and laugh with.

"You're all I want. You're all I need. You're everything. Everything."
-from "Everything" by Lifehouse

Thursday, April 3, 2014

My Bottle



Do you ever feel like you're just holding all of your emotions in a bottle that's ready to explode when you next open it up to push the next frustration in? That's my life right now. One minute I'm giddy and happy at school, and then I just get home and cry it all out. Tears upon tears. Without REASON. Many people say that yes, you sometimes do need a good cry. Afraid of those tears coming out in public, I just push it down deeper only for it all to come out when I'm sitting at home alone at night listening to music or just doing homework.

This. This is what stress is like. The stress that you feel when you have too much on your plate but want to do nothing at all. The stress that you feel when you want to talk to someone about your feelings, but feel like it's not worth it or they won't understand. Without fail, I've been able to pull off crying every single day for a month. It's just not healthy. Just listening to music... I feel that I get the closure that I need. I can express those feelings through song. I feel that I can relate to every song that I've been listening to. If only I could just send them my playlists and see what they can help me with. Even my playlists have mood swings. One minute I'm singing along to Happy by Pharrell Williams, and then next I'm listening to Better That We Break by Maroon 5 and just crying my eyes out, and then listening to You and Me (or Everything) by Lifehouse and wishing that Dawson were near.

What's wrong? I would love to ask myself the same question. My sister has "searched for the answer" by asking me random questions about how I've been feeling lately, and she says it's all because I have attachment issues. I'm too attached to my friends and well everybody that I'm close to. She said that even though a lot of my friends are abandoning me for other people in their lives right now, I need to simply let go. How do I do that when I've known them for so long, and have this 'false' belief in my mind that everybody's going to stay because they love me. At what point is it okay for me to let go? At what point am I supposed to accept that they've moved on? At what point will the emotions drop?

How am I going to make it through tomorrow? There's a Lock-In. I'll be up all night and there's no way I want to make a scene and just start crying in front of everyone. Hopefully that night will be the night I finally stop my tears from falling. One minute I'm having the time of my life, and the next I'm in my room bawling about who knows what.

I've cried, and you'd think I'd be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine the rest of my life.
-Conor Oberst