Saturday, June 14, 2014

My Dawson Sense is Tingling

He knows all my concerns and worries, but never at the right time. It seems we're in this loop of conversation in the past. I feel like I'm talking to the Dawson that doesn't really care instead of the one that drops everything when he gets a text from me.

I know that spending time with family and stuff is really important,  and I know he's been super busy, but I just wish he still had time for me. I feel like I'm being pushed aside. I dont need to be his #1 priority right now, I just want to feel loved.

Do I feel loved right now? Honestly, I'm terrified just thinking about him. Have any of you felt that sharp pain that makes it hard to swallow, and keeps you up all night just... worrying? He has no idea that I'm so scared right now, but only because he's probably with Gavin

I keep telling myself that it is not a big deal, and that I should just shut up and deal with it because hey, they're blood brothers. They need quality time.

As the tears continue to stream down my face from sheer worry, and the pain gets sharper, I feel my heart slowly breaking as if I know that something bad is happening, or else my self conscious is assuming the worst. I'm so scared. So...delusional? So...Overwhelmed?

...

"Nothing even happened. I'm just lonely." I continue to say to myself. But who knows? I can't even comprehend or put into words my emotions right now. I Miss Him.

Thoughts of him run through my head,  all the good times and all the bad times, which stuck out more because of what we've been able to get through. Why now? Why must I question what I already know? I know he loves me, so why do I feel like something's wrong? Is it JUST because I miss him, or is it because he's in trouble? I don't understand.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Helping Out

So, I thought that I'd start being a better person, and living up to my title... Lil Miss Epic and to inspire my inspirations. So, the past two days, I've been helping out with all that I can. Two days ago I helped Sienna clean her house to prepare for her bonfire that she was having later that night even though I couldn't go. Also, the day before that I asked Dawson's mom, Valorie if I could come to her house and help her clean for her upcoming wedding.

So, yesterday I went down to their place and started to help organize things and get things in order. All in all, I felt like I didn't help much, but they all said that I was tons of help, so I guess I did good! I even helped Dawson clean his room, and got stains off of his art desk that were "permanent." Apparently to them, I had the 'magic touch.'

After cleaning, I offered to help with Val's projects, but she said that I was free to just go play with Dawson. So, we went downstairs and played some Xbox until she wanted us to help some more. I had so much fun doing service. I think that it was a lot more productive and fun than doing Family History work at mutual. I'm so glad that I was able to come and help out.

It was really nice knowing that they actually don't mind my presence. They actually enjoyed me being there with them, I could tell! It's such a difference from my ex's family, who would call me all these mean names, and wouldn't even give me a chance. I actually feel like if Dawson wasn't even my boyfriend, I would still be friends with his family. They're so nice and fun to be around, especially well... my boyfriend! It was cool seeing how he would treat me around his family as they told me jokes and old stories of what they used to go through in their old home back in Cokeville.

Today, after thanking Val for having me over to come and help, and offering help in the future, she asked me if I wanted to come over tomorrow to help them make cookies for the wedding. It sounded like fun, so I accepted her request, and will hopefully be able to go tomorrow. All I'm waiting on now is for my parent's okay on the invite.

Yesterday, I had a blast! Who knew cleaning could be so much fun? I forgot what it was like to be part of a big family like theirs. I mean, I used to have two siblings and a mother and dad all in one house. It was kind of awesome to see them all interacting and teasing each other and playing games, and wrestling and all of that other fun sibling stuff. I actually felt like I was part of their family for a bit. Oh how I long for that kind of relationship, and I have it in my grasp!