Dis-Acknowledge What-If

I found out some things about myself within the past couple weeks that I didn't really know for sure. I'm just glad that I've found a little bit of myself within this Summer. However, I think I'm starting to rush my life a little bit too much.

Right now, I need some more me time. Whether it be music, video games, or even alone time outside, I need to dis-acknowledge the what-if questions, seeing as though the more I ask them, the more I don't get any where.

After talking to a couple of my closest friends, I've come to the conclusion that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. If I put faith into what I do and hope for the best, things will work out for the better, from an eternal perspective. In the end, friendship can be beautiful if you let it be.

I've also realized that living in this moment is what's best for me right now, enjoying where I am, while being cautious of what I'm doing and how it affects my future. This may seem a little hypocritical, but I guess we shouldn't judge others just because they sin differently than us. Sometimes we sacrifice the little things in order to better our eternal perspective.

Steal My Heart and Hold My Tongue

Don't wait...

Those two little words used to mean to go out and find what you've been searching for. Now? Those words seem to pose a new threat. Those words quite honestly scare me. To think I could get engaged a year from now, if I wasn't to wait a few years before finding the guy I want. The thought is frightening.

Personally, I don't see myself getting involved in an eternal commitment so quickly. Or rather, I hope that I don't get involved too fast. After all, my parents lack of knowledge is kind of what made the mistake of their marriage. I want to know what I'm getting myself into. I want to take my time. If I know somebody could be the one, I'm willing to not let go; provided that they love me in return.

When someone is the right someone, you'll do anything to make it work. I'm not admitting that I feel this way right now, but I feel it may pose a threat to finding the right someone if I'm not careful.

It may be time to get more serious after high school, but it doesn't mean that I should actively search for a future husband. First, I should be searching for a best friend. After all, who doesn't want to marry someone they can joke around with? Then maybe, if they have the right qualities, I could get to know them more and figure out whether or not they're right.

I don't know which way I'm going. I'm only 17, so it's kind of far-fetched to be thinking about these kind of things. It's deep-thinking in my case, but it's something that frightens me... finding the right someone.

Lift, Help, Laugh, Love, Save

All those people that I know and have grown up with are growing up! Isn't it fantastic that the fresh faces you knew way back when have found their place in the world? Everyone's learning new skills to help them in the real world. Everyone's applying for scholarships! I'm so proud of all of them! I mean.. here they are, making something of themselves. They're anxiously engaged in a good cause! 

I'm so glad that I have surrounded myself with these people. I'm so glad that I have been able to learn from their experiences and help them through them at the same time. Here I was, almost a year ago, thinking all was lost. Thinking that there were only a hand full of people that actually cared. But no, there's more than just a hand full.

My friends are the kind of friends that lift each other up, and help one another improve, and laugh about the small stupid things. My friends are the kind of friends that love unconditionally, unless unrequited. My kind of friends are my heroes. 

Thanks for letting me be Superman, when all of you were the Avengers.

Thanks for saving me from all that Kryptonite, that poison, that negativity.

Thanks for always being there.

The Lights Go Out and I Can't Be Saved

I know that dreaming could be just the thing that will send my brain into paradise. But just the sound of the ticking of my clock, makes me not want to fall asleep.

What if somebody sneaks through my window? What if I lose my sense of reality? What if I get a very important text from a friend or family member? These "What if's" fill my head as the cloudiness of sleep-deprivation sets in.

Thoughts of everything that has happened in the past week, month, year, lifetime set in. The pointless thought of "How have I made it so far?" reoccurs over and over, time and time again. And all because of what?

Insomnia.

What Better Way to Convey Than Through Music?

Words. What more can they be but a broken history? But music? Music is so much more than the lyrics. Much more than the artist's interpretation of a song. Much more because we all experience music differently and in our own ways.

The symphonies. The distraught feelings you get when you hear such a strange and infrequently used instrument. You can just hear and feel the emotions. All the gratitude, the heartbreak, the infatuation. Could this be why we put music on such a high pedestal today?

We worship relatability. 

Think about it. If we can find something in common with the emotions brought forth by the music, in it's entirety, we end up loving the song. This could even be the reason for teenagers listening to music so much today. We want to feel understood, and music helps us feel that.

I am so blessed to have music in my life. Without it, I don't know how anybody could come as far as they have. Myself included.

Storms Pass

Storms pass us by in a blink of an eye.
Every now and then, I think you.
Again and again, I wonder why.
I knew that it wasn't true.
I knew it wouldn't last.
But you can't blame me.
I put it all in the past.
-Rebekah Phillips

Every now and then, I find myself looking back in the past to see what I can do in the life I have control of right now to make my future better. In the past I've been so ignorant as to disregard my own standards, leading me down a path of heartbreak.

I've changed from the person I would've been.

But... If I could go back and change that, I wouldn't. I'm just glad that I have a chance now to change for the better. If I didn't sin the way I did I probably wouldn't have the good friends I have right now, nor the experience to help other people down their own paths.

I'm so glad for being part of a forgiving faith that lets me repent and be forgiven of all the wrong I have done. The repentance process has helped me forgive others that I feel have done me wrong. The people in my church have helped me and accepted me for who I am.

To this, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I offer my gratitude. Thank you for helping me through this gray storm, and helping me find the light... his light... in every situation I've come upon. This church has been the most reliable thing for me, on this Earth. I owe it my life.

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