Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Collapsing and Rising

How does one put feelings into words when they don't know what they feel? During the accident, I stopped feeling. I stopped sensing. I wasn't scared, sad, mad, or even relieved. Instead, I was just nothing. I don't remember smelling anything. I lost the ability to see, hear, and even keep myself balanced. I lost total control and collapsed.

From then on, I've looked back and had some thoughts. I'm using my little experience here as an analogy, so bear with me. Sometimes, when we get ourselves into a traumatic experience we lose ourselves. We lose sight of what's around us. We can't hear people calling out for change or cheering us on. We can't smell the smokey atmosphere, signaling that something's wrong and your emotions aren't what they used to be. When it's all said and done, you can lose yourself so much that you lose control and finally collapse.

As a community, I think that it's best that we help each other to rise up and improve with every little thing that we do. Sometimes we can get so far down the wrong path or just get knocked out on our way down the right one. This inconsistency can help us lose sight of our predetermined goal, whatever that may be. When life gets you down, it's okay to rely a little bit on others to help pick you up and dust you off and clean your wounds. However, we should always be willing to help pick others up when they need it too.

After both car accidents, I felt that I needed a lot of help doing my day-to-day tasks. I still do. I have to go to the chiropractor three times a week because of both car accidents. Sometimes I've even used the elevator, rather than using the stairs, at my school because of my stapled knee. I've had to ask neighbors for band-aids, comfort, and overall help.

I will never forget the kindness that some of my closest friends have shown me. I've had friends come by and visit me to see if I'm doing alright and bring me multiple gifts as a "get well soon" present. I can't think of a time where I have felt more love, outside of the church of course. I am so grateful for the charity my peers have shown to me. The help they have given me has inspired me even more to rise up and be happy and help others despite the challenges I have within my life. I have discovered even more so, through this experience, that there is a handful of friends ready to aide me whenever I need them. Sometimes it's just a matter of asking for that help or even being the first to help them with what they need.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

We're Alive, We're Loved

So, there is some things I haven't been telling you. I have a boyfriend now! I've had a boyfriend for about... two weeks now. You can probably guess who it is, too. Jared and I ended up kissing on Labor Day and now we're happily in a relationship as of September 8th. Jared and I have already had our moments together. We've been able to cry on each other's shoulders, and well... even endure yet another car accident.

Today, around 2:55 pm, Jared was taking me home and when we went past an intersection on the highway (with no lights) a car pulled out in front of us and we T-boned it and hit the driver's side of the vehicle. I remember vaguely seeing the car pull out in front of us and shouting "Jared, stop the car!" Jared remembers that I screamed right before we hit. I remember Jared freaking out and saying that he couldn't breathe and asking in panic if I was okay. I was. It felt the same as the last time I had gotten in an accident, just a month previous. He told me he was sorry as he was having trouble breathing. I was incredibly calm during this this moment. Scarily calm, in fact.

Immediately, people rushed over to help us. They helped us out of the car and got us off the road. They asked us to describe what happened and since my boyfriend looked like he was in shock, I started to answer them to tell them that we T-boned the other car. I noticed that as I was speaking, I could hardly hear myself. I didn't know how loud I was talking, but it was almost as if someone was plugging my ears. I could hardly hear anything and I started to get really dizzy. My knees started to give out and my vision went completely blurry, I could only seen some colors and vague little shapes. Collapsing, Jared and the person next to me, caught me. I felt like I had just blacked out a little.

I remember sitting on the ground and trying to stand up again, but they told me to stay down. Jared, being the awesome boyfriend that he is, sat by me and made sure that I was okay. We discovered that there were a couple scars on my arm, a few bruises on my legs, and a giant gash in my knee cap, caused by the lack of a glove compartment in Jared's car. I literally bent the metal with my knee. I also ended up getting this really bad seat belt rash/bruise from the top of my shoulder to the middle of my chest and an even worse bruise underneath my breast. This bruise is so bad that I cannot show you the entire thing because of it's awkward placement on my body. However, I will show you a tiny section of this painful spot on my body. Along with this major bruise, I have a possibility of being bruised internally. I have a lot of little minor bruises all over my body and it makes it hard not to be sore all over.

Once my parents arrived, we walked over to my car and I hugged Jared for a long time and cried in his shoulder just because of the adrenaline and the shock and how happy I was that he was safe. We waited there until Jared's mom came to pick him up and take him over to the doctor. I felt really bad about the other driver. Apparently she got a concussion, and they spent a good amount of time prying her out of the car. Luckily, everyone was okay.

Overall, this is just more proof that Heavenly Father loves me and tries his hardest to keep his children safe. It's truly another miracle that me and my boyfriend walked out without any major injuries. Well, aside from the 3 staples I got in my knee and my further back problems and battle wounds. I'm just glad that all the X-Rays and EKGs turned out alright and that I'm okay. I'm especially glad that my boyfriend isn't in any major pain, other than his knee, which I heard is kinda swelled up. What matters now is that we're alive and that we're loved.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

That Butterfly Dagger Feeling

Okay, I'm not going to lie. There's some big decisions that need to be made in my life. These decisions may not seem all that big to other people my age, but they're those kinds of decisions that will determine where I'm going and what I'm going to be doing in my future. I won't go into detail about what these decisions are. After all, they're my decisions and I want to keep them to myself. The truth is, I'm scared about what the next chapter holds.

For all I know, I could wind up not going to the college of my choice. I could wind up losing all of my friends as they go off to do great things. I could wind up doing what I'm doing now, sitting in my parent's basement. Right now, I just wish I could stop time. I want to live in this moment. Right here, right now. I want to sleep. I want to hang out with my loved ones. I want to binge-watch a Netflix series. I feel so unready.

At the same time, I've never felt more ready to take a leap into what I've been both excited and scared about. Do you know that feeling? That feeling of butterflies in your stomach? It feels good at first because of the adrenaline you get, but then those butterfly wings turn into little tiny daggers as you think of life without taking the leap. Sometimes you just have to take the leap. Those who never jumped into the air, never took flight.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Alright, We Can Handle This

So far, the new school year has already been both up and down. Though there have already been quite a few ups of Senior year, there's been many downs of it too. The best part has been reconnecting with a bunch of my old friends. However, in order for that to happen, I'm getting less and less time with my current friends. See? An up and a down. Every day has had it's upside and downside. I guess the best you can do is look on the upside, but lightly consider the downside.

My biggest problem with school this year is that I feel like I'm not in control of anything that I'm doing with my life right now. It's been hard, with my recently diagnosed concussion, to catch everything being thrown at me. Through requirement changes in my education to my social life, I'm feeling pulled in several different directions.

Gordon B. Hinckley, one of the LDS church's many prophets once said, "Don't get discouraged. Things will work out." I think that these words are probably the most important to remember amidst all of this orderly chaos. Also, God gives us the trials that he knows that we can handle. Whether you're struggling with immorality, an addiction, or getting over someone, God knows we can win as long as we're looking in the right direction. Concentrating on Satan, and his power, will get you nowhere. Compared to all of God's glory, Satan is nothing. With the knowledge of God's power over Satan, it is much easier to live righteously.

Still, it's hard not to glance too long at the downside of things. Your ups could even end up being someone else's downs. It's hard not to get jealous when one of your friends gets something you've been wanting for a long time. It's hard not to get jealous when someone else gets to go out with someone you've been meaning to ask out. It's good for one side, but bad for the other. The important part is that things will work out in the end so that everyone gets their happy endings.