Distracted? More Like Emotional Interference.

The worst possible feeling is being sad and not being able to tell anybody why or what they can do to help you be happier overall.  For all I know, they're probably going through the same thing. Maybe a lot of my friends are sad and aren't telling people. The main thing that you can't expect your friends to be on top of is your own happiness.

I wish I could tell people, but I just can't. It's tragic and most of all, private. The most I can do is distract myself from whatever it is. Even though the topic keeps coming up in everyday conversation. Or at least factors that effect the issue. Few people have even noticed that I'm growing more and more depressed. I plaster on that fake-smile and it's gone. As easy as that. Or else I just act as if nothing's the matter.

They tell you to fake it until you make it, but sometimes that can get exhausting. Usually, when I get home, I distract myself  by sitting alone with Facebook, video games, and homework. Whatever can get me not to think about what's on my mind, I'll do it.

Serenaded

Wow. Just wow. I've had my doubts and frustrations about Jared and I's love story, but now I can see that it was all worth it looking back on it. I'm just so glad that we both love each other the same now. So much so that he wrote me a song explaining our entire love story and how we got together and sang it to me as he held both of my hands and stared deep into my eyes.

Could I ever find a man so loving and adoring as Jared? I don't think I've ever been loved this much before. If only I could show you guys how happy we were in that moment. Jared was nervous out of my mind, but I was just falling more and more in love with him as he continued to sing to me. I was shocked. Completely. Ask Krista. She was there. I wish she would've recorded it all.

Later, in fourth hour, I find myself sitting there humming the tune in my head remembering all the different parts of the song, and spacing out and forgetting the equations and formulas that I needed for the test I was taking. I was just so happy because I felt loved and cared for and it gave me hope for the future.

Maybe he could be the last boyfriend I ever have, ya know? I guess it depends on the future's events and how things work out and whether or not I screw things up. I really want this to last though, but I'm willing to suffer a little bit for my future happiness.

Living in Thankfulness

Sometimes we tend to take for granted the blessings that we have in our day to day lives. This past week was Thanksgiving and helped me reflect a little more on that. On the 25th (the day before Thanksgiving,) I invited Tyler over to watch this documentary with me. It's called "Living on One Dollar." These boys go to live in Guatemala for around 8 months and live on one dollar a day. It's interesting trying to get a perspective on what these people living in poverty have to go through every day of their lives.

Everyday, we've taken for granted wonderful blessings such as: health, food, water, shelter, and where has that gotten us? Instead of being thankful for what we have, we end up complaining for what we don't have. Yet the people in poverty have all of the right to be sad and depressed and complaining, but since they have little, they expect little. But since we have much, we expect much.

Going into this Christmas season, I challenge you all not to take what you learned from Thanksgiving and forget it, but actually apply it to your lives. What are you truly thankful for in your life? If it's somebody you know, tell them! If it's an item, try to live a day without it like the boys in Guatemala did.

Trials Turn Into Blessings

Hey guys! I can't believe I've had this blog up and running for 3 years now! My anniversary of my first post will be on the 9th, but I felt inspired to give this special post a little early.

Life is hard no matter what you do. We all go through trials, regardless of whether or not we are doing the right things. Even good people get punished. However, trials can turn into blessings later in life. I've learned this lesson time and time again in my life and want to pass on this message.

Bad things happen to good people, but that doesn't mean that God loves you any less. If anything these trials that turn out to be blessings are a way of God keeping you on the right path.

If it weren't for these trials, I would be a lot less grateful for the life that I've been given.
I've come so far and there's no way that I'd be willing to stop now based on the trials and lessons I've learned because of them. I'm grateful for the trials that I've overcome and wouldn't give them up for anything.

I challenge you all to make a list of all the trials that you've overcome that turned out to be blessings for your future.

Here's mine in Trial --> Blessing Form

Parent's Divorce --> Closer Relationship with Dad
Sister's Cancer --> Quality Time with Dad and Brother with Scriptures, Testimony
Loss of Best Friends --> They Don't Drag Me Down a Wrong Path
Dumped --> Room For A Better And New Man In My Life
Car Accidents --> Greater Appreciation For Life

Recovering My Recovery

Since that last accident, I have become more prone to damaging my self-image. I seem to have forgotten all of that "I am Diamonds" stuff from "Turn Around, Bright Eyes" last year. Instead of urging myself on to recovery, I've been looking at how I haven't recovered yet after months of being injured from these car accidents.

I miss my life before those car accidents. Quite honestly, I took it all for granted. One second you can live your life the way you want it, and the next you're having to go to the chiropractor three times a week. Amidst all of this chaos, I've forgotten what drives me. The Law of Attraction.

If I believe I can recover, I will recover. However, if I concentrate on how I'm not making progress recovering, it will stay that way. I haven't been myself at all for the past month. I stopped caring so much about school, so every class I went to was really boring. I made up excuses as to why I couldn't go to church, mutual, or even hang out with friends. All because I felt like crap and wasn't recovering.

I haven't been getting any better, and that has tricked my mind into thinking that I'm not recovering. If I believe that I am, I will. I guess it's kind of like a fake it until you make it kind of thing. But since I haven't been able to recover, I had been damaging my self-image by believing that I am weak and incapable and inadequate.

Tuesday, it got out of hand. I went outside while it was raining for some peace and quiet so I could kneel down and pray about how I felt. I asked Heavenly Father to help me not feel so inadequate. Anything would do at that point. Getting up off of my knees, I went inside and laid down on my bed. While laying there, I remembered my friend Tyler.

Earlier that day, Tyler had noticed that I looked upset and so we went to Broulim's and bought a bunch of candy and sat in my driveway and talked about what was bothering me. She cared, and that meant a lot. Then, I remembered that Rachel was going to come pick me up for mutual. She cared enough that she wanted me to come. I wasn't too inadequate to be friends with these wonderful girls.

I got off my bed and went upstairs, ready to greet Rachel, for whenever she showed up at my house. I got in the car and we all laughed and had a great time at mutual. Afterwards, Rachel came over to my house and we watched Corpse Bride. It meant a lot that she actually wanted to spend time with me, even at my worst.

After Rachel left, I went downstairs to read my scriptures, and throughout my scripture study I was reminded that God always cares about us, no matter the circumstance. We are not inadequate. Not to God. With that knowledge, God is on my side and there's nothing that I can't recover from with his help.

Multi-Mode

As many of my regular readers know, this second car accident was very hard on me, emotionally as well as physically. In my previous post, I mentioned how I lost all of my senses and wasn't really feeling anything. Lately, it's been kind of the same, but at the same time not at all similar.

Being with my best friend, Jared, makes me happier than ever. Whenever I'm talking to him, or even near him, I'm as happy as can be. Everything he says and does with me is always so kind, so it's kind of impossible to be upset with him. The same goes for a lot of my other close friends that are usually upbeat and happy. On the other hand, I often get a little bit of short-tempered with some of my other friends or people I know when they do little things that bother me. I bring this up because it's been happening more frequently since this recent accident.

I hate to blame things on my car accidents, but quite frankly, I've been more closed off emotionally since then. It's harder to share things with my friends because I don't know if they actually care or not. It's hard for me to trust people in my life when so many have been liars and hypocrites. I end up even questioning the most loyal of friends that wouldn't mean to do a thing to hurt me. I'm scared that I'll let my guard down and get hurt again. I should be able to trust my own judgment in choosing the right friends and hoping that we can maintain healthy friendships. I don't know what I'd do without my close friend's concern and help.

Sometimes, I don't know how I feel. I often find myself sitting around, emotionless. I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm just here. Right now, I need to be able to confide in my closest friends and open up to them so that they can help me move on with my life. I understand that some of my readers couldn't care less about this problem. It probably doesn't even make sense to the lot of you, and that's okay. If there's one thing I want you all to take from this entry, it's that people don't have just one mode.

I hate to say it, but people are two-faced. Everyone has all sorts of different sides and modes. People have a sad mode, a happy mode, a mode that they show to their boyfriend or girlfriend, a mode that they show with their family, and a lot more. Going through this recovery process has revealed to me that I have a lot of modes, too. Right now, I am very closed-off.

There are some things that I want to share with people, but I just don't know how to put my feelings into words. This sounds silly because this is a blog post about how I feel, but there are just some things that I can't talk about on here or rather things that would be best if I didn't bring them up. Some things I just need to talk to a person about. And that's what friends are for. I don't expect all of my friends to come running up to me to ask me what's wrong. I expect just that my friends treat me as they always have, with respect and kindness. I need nothing more than what they already give me, love.

Collapsing and Rising

How does one put feelings into words when they don't know what they feel? During the accident, I stopped feeling. I stopped sensing. I wasn't scared, sad, mad, or even relieved. Instead, I was just nothing. I don't remember smelling anything. I lost the ability to see, hear, and even keep myself balanced. I lost total control and collapsed.

From then on, I've looked back and had some thoughts. I'm using my little experience here as an analogy, so bear with me. Sometimes, when we get ourselves into a traumatic experience we lose ourselves. We lose sight of what's around us. We can't hear people calling out for change or cheering us on. We can't smell the smokey atmosphere, signaling that something's wrong and your emotions aren't what they used to be. When it's all said and done, you can lose yourself so much that you lose control and finally collapse.

As a community, I think that it's best that we help each other to rise up and improve with every little thing that we do. Sometimes we can get so far down the wrong path or just get knocked out on our way down the right one. This inconsistency can help us lose sight of our predetermined goal, whatever that may be. When life gets you down, it's okay to rely a little bit on others to help pick you up and dust you off and clean your wounds. However, we should always be willing to help pick others up when they need it too.

After both car accidents, I felt that I needed a lot of help doing my day-to-day tasks. I still do. I have to go to the chiropractor three times a week because of both car accidents. Sometimes I've even used the elevator, rather than using the stairs, at my school because of my stapled knee. I've had to ask neighbors for band-aids, comfort, and overall help.

I will never forget the kindness that some of my closest friends have shown me. I've had friends come by and visit me to see if I'm doing alright and bring me multiple gifts as a "get well soon" present. I can't think of a time where I have felt more love, outside of the church of course. I am so grateful for the charity my peers have shown to me. The help they have given me has inspired me even more to rise up and be happy and help others despite the challenges I have within my life. I have discovered even more so, through this experience, that there is a handful of friends ready to aide me whenever I need them. Sometimes it's just a matter of asking for that help or even being the first to help them with what they need.

We're Alive, We're Loved

So, there is some things I haven't been telling you. I have a boyfriend now! I've had a boyfriend for about... two weeks now. You can probably guess who it is, too. Jared and I ended up kissing on Labor Day and now we're happily in a relationship as of September 8th. Jared and I have already had our moments together. We've been able to cry on each other's shoulders, and well... even endure yet another car accident.

Today, around 2:55 pm, Jared was taking me home and when we went past an intersection on the highway (with no lights) a car pulled out in front of us and we T-boned it and hit the driver's side of the vehicle. I remember vaguely seeing the car pull out in front of us and shouting "Jared, stop the car!" Jared remembers that I screamed right before we hit. I remember Jared freaking out and saying that he couldn't breathe and asking in panic if I was okay. I was. It felt the same as the last time I had gotten in an accident, just a month previous. He told me he was sorry as he was having trouble breathing. I was incredibly calm during this this moment. Scarily calm, in fact.

Immediately, people rushed over to help us. They helped us out of the car and got us off the road. They asked us to describe what happened and since my boyfriend looked like he was in shock, I started to answer them to tell them that we T-boned the other car. I noticed that as I was speaking, I could hardly hear myself. I didn't know how loud I was talking, but it was almost as if someone was plugging my ears. I could hardly hear anything and I started to get really dizzy. My knees started to give out and my vision went completely blurry, I could only seen some colors and vague little shapes. Collapsing, Jared and the person next to me, caught me. I felt like I had just blacked out a little.

I remember sitting on the ground and trying to stand up again, but they told me to stay down. Jared, being the awesome boyfriend that he is, sat by me and made sure that I was okay. We discovered that there were a couple scars on my arm, a few bruises on my legs, and a giant gash in my knee cap, caused by the lack of a glove compartment in Jared's car. I literally bent the metal with my knee. I also ended up getting this really bad seat belt rash/bruise from the top of my shoulder to the middle of my chest and an even worse bruise underneath my breast. This bruise is so bad that I cannot show you the entire thing because of it's awkward placement on my body. However, I will show you a tiny section of this painful spot on my body. Along with this major bruise, I have a possibility of being bruised internally. I have a lot of little minor bruises all over my body and it makes it hard not to be sore all over.

Once my parents arrived, we walked over to my car and I hugged Jared for a long time and cried in his shoulder just because of the adrenaline and the shock and how happy I was that he was safe. We waited there until Jared's mom came to pick him up and take him over to the doctor. I felt really bad about the other driver. Apparently she got a concussion, and they spent a good amount of time prying her out of the car. Luckily, everyone was okay.

Overall, this is just more proof that Heavenly Father loves me and tries his hardest to keep his children safe. It's truly another miracle that me and my boyfriend walked out without any major injuries. Well, aside from the 3 staples I got in my knee and my further back problems and battle wounds. I'm just glad that all the X-Rays and EKGs turned out alright and that I'm okay. I'm especially glad that my boyfriend isn't in any major pain, other than his knee, which I heard is kinda swelled up. What matters now is that we're alive and that we're loved.

That Butterfly Dagger Feeling

Okay, I'm not going to lie. There's some big decisions that need to be made in my life. These decisions may not seem all that big to other people my age, but they're those kinds of decisions that will determine where I'm going and what I'm going to be doing in my future. I won't go into detail about what these decisions are. After all, they're my decisions and I want to keep them to myself. The truth is, I'm scared about what the next chapter holds.

For all I know, I could wind up not going to the college of my choice. I could wind up losing all of my friends as they go off to do great things. I could wind up doing what I'm doing now, sitting in my parent's basement. Right now, I just wish I could stop time. I want to live in this moment. Right here, right now. I want to sleep. I want to hang out with my loved ones. I want to binge-watch a Netflix series. I feel so unready.

At the same time, I've never felt more ready to take a leap into what I've been both excited and scared about. Do you know that feeling? That feeling of butterflies in your stomach? It feels good at first because of the adrenaline you get, but then those butterfly wings turn into little tiny daggers as you think of life without taking the leap. Sometimes you just have to take the leap. Those who never jumped into the air, never took flight.

Alright, We Can Handle This

So far, the new school year has already been both up and down. Though there have already been quite a few ups of Senior year, there's been many downs of it too. The best part has been reconnecting with a bunch of my old friends. However, in order for that to happen, I'm getting less and less time with my current friends. See? An up and a down. Every day has had it's upside and downside. I guess the best you can do is look on the upside, but lightly consider the downside.

My biggest problem with school this year is that I feel like I'm not in control of anything that I'm doing with my life right now. It's been hard, with my recently diagnosed concussion, to catch everything being thrown at me. Through requirement changes in my education to my social life, I'm feeling pulled in several different directions.

Gordon B. Hinckley, one of the LDS church's many prophets once said, "Don't get discouraged. Things will work out." I think that these words are probably the most important to remember amidst all of this orderly chaos. Also, God gives us the trials that he knows that we can handle. Whether you're struggling with immorality, an addiction, or getting over someone, God knows we can win as long as we're looking in the right direction. Concentrating on Satan, and his power, will get you nowhere. Compared to all of God's glory, Satan is nothing. With the knowledge of God's power over Satan, it is much easier to live righteously.

Still, it's hard not to glance too long at the downside of things. Your ups could even end up being someone else's downs. It's hard not to get jealous when one of your friends gets something you've been wanting for a long time. It's hard not to get jealous when someone else gets to go out with someone you've been meaning to ask out. It's good for one side, but bad for the other. The important part is that things will work out in the end so that everyone gets their happy endings.

Anything, Big or Small!

A lot of the time, you don't notice something before you realize you could lose it at any time. August 17, 2015 at 9:30 pm, me and my mother hit 3 calves on the way home from one of my friend's houses. In sheer panic, we hit the brakes and then it was too late. Two calves were killed on impact, one broke three of it's legs and was shot to be put out of it's misery. Me and my mom felt fine after the airbags deployed. Our legs weren't sore and there were no visible wounds. Plus, we had two dogs in the car who also left the accident uninjured. The only problem we had was breathing because of the chemicals released from the air bags. We were totally fine.

The neighbors rushed over to help us, to see if we were doing okay. Quickly, my mother picked up her phone to call 911. Surprisingly, the two of us were relatively calm. However, the adrenaline soon picked up when the police arrived and we started filling out paperwork. Me and my mother were cold and the adrenaline was finally getting to us. Some of the people there gave us blankets and a car to sit in while we filled out everything.

You know how people say that their life flashed before their eyes? Well, mine didn't. In fact, I even started to think later that night that I would've been okay with dying at that very moment. But when I sat down in our van to go home, I started to call the people that were very dear to me to tell them about what happened and see if it helped calm me down. Life should not be taken for granted. I told these friends that I loved them very much and that me and my mother could've died, but walked away without a scratch. Despite our near-death experience, my mother and I are feeling very blessed to still be here with our friends and family.

The lesson to be learned here is not that Kia produces incredibly safe cars, even though that's very unbelievably true. The real lesson is that anything, big or small, can pop up and take away what you love dear. In the end, the only thing you can do is react, call for someone, and start the healing process.

Trials and Trails

As we go throughout our trials in our everyday lives, there are many things we tend to overlook. We overlook how we feel about the situation. We ignore how others feel about the situation. We don't see that others are there for us in the situation. Instead, we think on how terrible life is and look at the darkness in the world rather than counting our own blessings and igniting our light of hope and faith that things will be okay.

It can get hard sometimes. But isn't that what makes us feel alive? Trials give us the chance to think upon the ways that we are blessed in our lives. Earlier this week, we went on a hike for Girl's Camp. One of the girls in our Stake, found a little note on the trail saying that hard times give us a chance to see God's influence in our lives. It was almost like a miracle for us girls that were having a hard time getting up the hill.

When you get a message like that, or someone's hand in your life to pull you up that big hill, that big trial or trail (from a hiking standpoint) doesn't seem as scary. Stop looking straight ahead like that, and look to the side and see who's right there beside you instead. Sometimes when you're focused on helping others get up their own hill, you forget that you're having trouble getting over that same obstacle.

Have a friend that's having trouble getting over that big mountain over there? Grab their hand and pull them up, it will seem a whole lot less scary with you by their side. Are you having issues climbing into safety? Don't be afraid to ask for help. True friends would be happy to pull you up out of danger and fear.

Something as simple as a prompting to ask for help, help, or recognize the help we are receiving can change lives. If you save someone, you save generations because of the influence they will have on other people. If you feel prompted to help, do not hesitate.

Outdated

So many times I have heard that we grow out of the things in our lives. We grow out of eras like the time of VHS', Vinyls, and everything that is now considered "vintage." Of course we can restore those things when they have some importance within them. There's one thing that I hope somewhat lasts through the years. Something that I hope stays. I hope that they will stick around, at least within my memory.

Sure... We may eventually outgrow each other. I only wish that we don't outgrow the memories we share through the growth of us both.

The times we've shared, though forgettable in the far-off future, will always hold a special place in my heart. Though considered outdated, they will always remembered in one way or another.

He's been there to inspire me to grow and try my absolute hardest to be the best that I can be. He, well they, inspired me to sing and helped me learn that friendships, self-improvement, and religion are all important aspects of life. Friendships and Families are beautiful things and can last forever if you let them.

Dedication

The music in my life is probably the most beneficial thing I could have in my life with me whenever I need it most. Through Coldplay's relatable songs about unrequited love and life in general to Maroon 5's simple songs about wanting something so much you'd put yourself through the worst of situations.

Music has taught me about dedication. If you want something, or in most song's cases, someone, enough than you should persevere until you get what you want. As long as that's possible, dedication will get you to the place you need to be.

 However, music has also taught me about letting go of those that have put me through the worst of situations. If you're not being treated the way you deserve from others, then get out. Remember, your best is yet to come. As long as you dedicate yourself to the positive things in life than the universe will reward you with more positive things.

Music has taught me how to say how I feel. How many times in your life have you heard some song lyrics to one of your favorite songs and thought to yourself, "Wow, I feel that exact same way about what I'm going through!" It's quite amazing how many feelings can all connect together in order to convey something as beautiful as relatability in something as simple as a song. 

Isn't it amazing to feel like someone actually understands? Relatability in music is probably the biggest reason as to why I listen to music as much as I do. I want someone who can let me in, unlocking their door. Someone who makes me feel something I've never felt before. I want someone. Someone who understands. I need someone. Someone who hears. For you, I've waited all these years. Music does this for me. It's always there, whether it be at 3 in the morning, or in the middle of a rainy day. When I grow up, I want someone who will always be there for me through thick and thin. Someone who listens and understands. Someone that's comfortable saying how they feel and letting me feel free to do the same. 

Dis-Acknowledge What-If

I found out some things about myself within the past couple weeks that I didn't really know for sure. I'm just glad that I've found a little bit of myself within this Summer. However, I think I'm starting to rush my life a little bit too much.

Right now, I need some more me time. Whether it be music, video games, or even alone time outside, I need to dis-acknowledge the what-if questions, seeing as though the more I ask them, the more I don't get any where.

After talking to a couple of my closest friends, I've come to the conclusion that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. If I put faith into what I do and hope for the best, things will work out for the better, from an eternal perspective. In the end, friendship can be beautiful if you let it be.

I've also realized that living in this moment is what's best for me right now, enjoying where I am, while being cautious of what I'm doing and how it affects my future. This may seem a little hypocritical, but I guess we shouldn't judge others just because they sin differently than us. Sometimes we sacrifice the little things in order to better our eternal perspective.

Steal My Heart and Hold My Tongue

Don't wait...

Those two little words used to mean to go out and find what you've been searching for. Now? Those words seem to pose a new threat. Those words quite honestly scare me. To think I could get engaged a year from now, if I wasn't to wait a few years before finding the guy I want. The thought is frightening.

Personally, I don't see myself getting involved in an eternal commitment so quickly. Or rather, I hope that I don't get involved too fast. After all, my parents lack of knowledge is kind of what made the mistake of their marriage. I want to know what I'm getting myself into. I want to take my time. If I know somebody could be the one, I'm willing to not let go; provided that they love me in return.

When someone is the right someone, you'll do anything to make it work. I'm not admitting that I feel this way right now, but I feel it may pose a threat to finding the right someone if I'm not careful.

It may be time to get more serious after high school, but it doesn't mean that I should actively search for a future husband. First, I should be searching for a best friend. After all, who doesn't want to marry someone they can joke around with? Then maybe, if they have the right qualities, I could get to know them more and figure out whether or not they're right.

I don't know which way I'm going. I'm only 17, so it's kind of far-fetched to be thinking about these kind of things. It's deep-thinking in my case, but it's something that frightens me... finding the right someone.

Lift, Help, Laugh, Love, Save

All those people that I know and have grown up with are growing up! Isn't it fantastic that the fresh faces you knew way back when have found their place in the world? Everyone's learning new skills to help them in the real world. Everyone's applying for scholarships! I'm so proud of all of them! I mean.. here they are, making something of themselves. They're anxiously engaged in a good cause! 

I'm so glad that I have surrounded myself with these people. I'm so glad that I have been able to learn from their experiences and help them through them at the same time. Here I was, almost a year ago, thinking all was lost. Thinking that there were only a hand full of people that actually cared. But no, there's more than just a hand full.

My friends are the kind of friends that lift each other up, and help one another improve, and laugh about the small stupid things. My friends are the kind of friends that love unconditionally, unless unrequited. My kind of friends are my heroes. 

Thanks for letting me be Superman, when all of you were the Avengers.

Thanks for saving me from all that Kryptonite, that poison, that negativity.

Thanks for always being there.

The Lights Go Out and I Can't Be Saved

I know that dreaming could be just the thing that will send my brain into paradise. But just the sound of the ticking of my clock, makes me not want to fall asleep.

What if somebody sneaks through my window? What if I lose my sense of reality? What if I get a very important text from a friend or family member? These "What if's" fill my head as the cloudiness of sleep-deprivation sets in.

Thoughts of everything that has happened in the past week, month, year, lifetime set in. The pointless thought of "How have I made it so far?" reoccurs over and over, time and time again. And all because of what?

Insomnia.

What Better Way to Convey Than Through Music?

Words. What more can they be but a broken history? But music? Music is so much more than the lyrics. Much more than the artist's interpretation of a song. Much more because we all experience music differently and in our own ways.

The symphonies. The distraught feelings you get when you hear such a strange and infrequently used instrument. You can just hear and feel the emotions. All the gratitude, the heartbreak, the infatuation. Could this be why we put music on such a high pedestal today?

We worship relatability. 

Think about it. If we can find something in common with the emotions brought forth by the music, in it's entirety, we end up loving the song. This could even be the reason for teenagers listening to music so much today. We want to feel understood, and music helps us feel that.

I am so blessed to have music in my life. Without it, I don't know how anybody could come as far as they have. Myself included.

Storms Pass

Storms pass us by in a blink of an eye.
Every now and then, I think you.
Again and again, I wonder why.
I knew that it wasn't true.
I knew it wouldn't last.
But you can't blame me.
I put it all in the past.
-Rebekah Phillips

Every now and then, I find myself looking back in the past to see what I can do in the life I have control of right now to make my future better. In the past I've been so ignorant as to disregard my own standards, leading me down a path of heartbreak.

I've changed from the person I would've been.

But... If I could go back and change that, I wouldn't. I'm just glad that I have a chance now to change for the better. If I didn't sin the way I did I probably wouldn't have the good friends I have right now, nor the experience to help other people down their own paths.

I'm so glad for being part of a forgiving faith that lets me repent and be forgiven of all the wrong I have done. The repentance process has helped me forgive others that I feel have done me wrong. The people in my church have helped me and accepted me for who I am.

To this, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I offer my gratitude. Thank you for helping me through this gray storm, and helping me find the light... his light... in every situation I've come upon. This church has been the most reliable thing for me, on this Earth. I owe it my life.

Want to learn more? Visit LDS.org

Don't You Shiver

Unrequited love.

What more can I say on the subject? The constant pain of the lack of adoration that your infatuation of someone has on you. It's hard. I get that. Everyone gets that at least sometime in their life... right?

No matter how much you display your affection or change yourself for them, they may never love you back. But that's just it... they're not the one for you if they don't love you for you.

But on and on, from the moment you wake, to the moment you sleep, you're there by their side. What will they do about it? Absolutely nothing. But what would your true love do? They'd appreciate you and you'd stand together against the world to defy everyone's expectations.

Don't shiver, love. Your best is yet to come.

Come Let Me Love You

I've heard adults say many times that teenagers don't know what it's like to love someone. How could they be so blind as to reject our own emotions? There's this thing we learned about in my "Adult Living" class called the "Love Ladder." Bear with me, as I show you the notes that I took in my class.

The Love Ladder is a process of love development that reaches from the cradle to the grave, meaning that as soon as you're born, you start to love, and you love until you pass away.

1. Self-Love- The first person you loved was yourself.
2. Love of Nurturer- The next step in your love ladder, represents your love feeling growing out beyond yourself to include your mom, dad, sister, brother, or even your baby-sitter! Whoever who provides your needs.
3. Love of Entertainer- After babies achieve the love of their nurturer, they come to understand the importance of entertainers, people who read stories, sing songs, etc.
• Please note that I believe(this being my opinion) that this love is being corrupted due to our constant time on computers, smartphones, and video games, instead of giving time to our friends and family.
• Love of Entertainer... not Entertainment
4. Love of Peers- This stage represents when children play with children of the same age outside of home. Physical differences seem to be of little importance according to children at this stage.
5. Love of Same Sex- At this stage, your best friend is most likely to be the same gender as you. At this stage, the opposite sex has 'cooties.' On a field trip, they may hold each other's hand or walk with arms around each other.
6. Love of An Older, Same-Sex Idol- In this stage, the younger child may imitate the dress, walk, talk, and mannerisms of this older person. This person could be a family member, neighbor, or even a celebrity.
7. Love of An Older, Opposite-Sex Person- In this stage, the kid tries flirting with a safe and older person of the opposite gender. Though considered strange, it's a natural and normal stage. The 'heartbreak' can be tragic if the older person misinterprets the attempts of the younger lover.
8. Love of the Opposite Sex in General- "boy crazy," "girl crazy," crushes.
9. Love of One- "Puppy Love," "Being in Love with Love," "infatuation." This stage can also be referred to looking through rose colored glasses. When this type of relationship ends, both parties of the relationship can feel loss and hurt.
10. Love of The One- This final stage is mature and realistic love. This is an ongoing, ever-growing love relationship.

As you can see, everyone can love. Whether we be stuck in the seventh, eighth, or ninth development stages, we are still all working to achieve the tenth stage. Think again when you tell someone that it isn't love. We've been loving ever since we took our first breath.

Without You, It's A Waste of Time

They're so nice to me... I could be selfish, I could be reserved, I could be flat-out mean to them... but they still stick by me because they know that I need their help.

They have what I need. They answer me when I feel clueless. They stand by me when I'm wounded. They're my true friends. They deny the fact that "nothing's wrong." Through many dangers, through many nightmares, through many trials, I've had them by my side. I might feel alone, but that's when they're by me the most.

I want to always remember all those memories. The pure joy. The ecstasy. When they're near I can't help but think how blessed I am that I'm not completely alone. They share my beliefs. Heck, some even share my thoughts!

To my truest of true friends,
The skies could be blue. But I don't mind. Without you, it's a waste of time.

Make a New Dance Up

I guess the best thing you can do in any situation is get up on your feet and switch the song to something happier. Trust me, I know, those slow solemn songs are just so comforting and beautiful, but sometimes you just need to make a new dance up. Get up. Get out of that rut.

We all know loving can hurt sometimes. But that's just it, why would we want to sulk in our sorrow when we can party to a new beat by just celebrating your friend's accomplishments. If you ask me, alone time is detrimental to one's mood if said person is already sad.

Hanging out with friends is amazing because you surround yourself with people that are ready to talk to you and are there with you just in case you break down. I'm not one to give advice, but there's no need to be afraid of your closest friends. I love my friends.

It seems to be the ones that usually sit out on the sidelines that are there for you when you really need them most. I mean... I used to think I had just a couple of close friends. But honestly, I have a lot of amazing friends that are ready to cheer me up whenever needed and ready to listen whenever wanted.

Their love is like a big blue wave.

Give Me That Nirvana Again

When was the last time you've felt that complete sensation of nirvana as you lose yourself by the beauty of the world? To be perfectly honest, that was how I felt for some moments in our Fine Arts Seattle Tour. Not only did I feel on top of the world, but I felt a lot more important too; especially given the fact that when we performed, Troylairs got a triple-superior rating.

All of our hard work this year has paid off... and we even got invited to sing in Carnegie Hall and an invitation to sing backup for the Nashville Tribute Band! (Definitely auditioning for that in the end of May) Hopefully we'll have a Chamber Retreat this Summer and maybe even a movie night at Mr. Rasmussen's house!

I felt sensational. On top of the world... but going back to school dragged me back down to the bottom of the bucket of my social life. Sure, I still feel needed but I feel that I need to get out of my current situation.

I feel that I am in a very dark place in my life right now.

Turning to the scriptures and my For Strength of Youth pamphlet, I've realized that even though I've put my standards super high, I've disregarded them when it comes to letting people go. Now, I know the answer is clear but it's just executing it that I don't feel comfortable with. I guess it's just a matter of realizing that God will be with me as long as I'm in the right.

After all, recognizing your individual worth can do amazing things for you.

You're Making Me Live.

Every single day I feel just a little bit closer to them. Through listening to all of their trials, experiences, and stories I feel just a little bit stronger. Without the experience that they have given me, where would I be today?

Friendships.

Oh, all those little "hi's" and "hello's" in the halls to the "you look beautiful today's" wherever I go. Friendship is not only acknowledgement, but it's also harmony and acceptance. I've got to admit, I love every single one of my friends. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.

That being said, I think surrounding yourself with the right friends determines who you, ultimately, will become. I'm not saying that we all succumb to peer pressure or anything, but we do tend to act like the people we hang out with. Surrounding yourself with positive energy, amongst all trials, is the best thing you can do. However, I try to live by the way of "reaching up."

In the past, I've been known to reach down and save the people that I feel need my help. Though being selfless is considered a good attribute, we shouldn't be so careless as to put ourselves at risk just to lift up others in our lives. After all, helping people is a two-way street. That person needs to want to be helped.

Though friendships are very very important, there is a time to drop them and a time to pick them back up again. If you're unhappy in a friendship, get out. Friendship should be filled with regard for one another and fondness.

With friendship in mind, I challenge you all to write down all the friends you're grateful for and what they've taught you.

In My Place

I'd like to think that I finally found where I belong, where I'm happiest, and who will stand by me throughout every storm. To be perfectly honest, that person for me is my brother. I mean... let's think about this. It's not like he's ever going to disown me or anything. Heck, he even holds the priesthood. He's there to protect me, love me, and hang out with me whenever I need him.

Jordan is the most loving person that I've ever met. No matter what kind of person he runs into, he makes them feel included and important. For that, he is my hero. I try my best to be accepting of those around me too because of the way he has inspired me.

Recently, I had been very very sick. I was so scared that I wasn't going to get better that I finally resorted to asking Jordan to pray for me, though I had already been praying for myself. He reciprocated by telling me that he was going to go to the temple to put me in the prayer roll. 

I'll let you guys read his e-mail, because he tells the story much better than I ever could.

"My sister was a little sick this week. Having received the text for her asking for help, I determined it would be a very good plan to put her name on the temple prayer role. When I arrived at the temple that afternoon, I had forgotten why I was there and went to the baptistery. I needed up confirming group after group of people in the packed little confirmation room. After 4 hours of of confirmations, a name that rang familiar came by, the name: Charlene Rebecca Phillips. This came as a wonderful reminder and surprise to me! My little sisters name literally came before my eyes and reminded me to do what I had set out to. We finished the group and I went to put her name in the prayer role. The impression came, "There is yet more I can do to serve my sister."I went to pick up my best friend Ned and asked him if he would accompany me to my mothers home to give my little sister a blessing. As a result, our family had been inspired to attend the temple that Wednesday.
I've been working to help my mother to become more active in the church. The results of many prayers on the mission came to fruition this morning when we, my sister, mother and myself, all went to do baptism at the temple together for the first time... Ever.
Turning to me before we entered our respective dressing rooms, she whispered, " this is the first time since I was a teenager I've done baptisms for the dead!" I won't tell you how young she is now but suffice it to say that she wasn't saying that for nothing.
The experience that we shared there after was to be always remembered. I don't know how the temple workers know but I had the opportunity to confirm and baptize my sister and mother for the dead. I can't explain how grateful I am for that memory. It's one that will be a powerful tool in the utility belt of the Holy Ghost to help me stay on the straight and narrow.
This will turn into a monthly practice in our family. Every first Wednesday will be at the Lords house."

When Jordan and Ned came over to give me that Priesthood Blessing, I felt a lot more loved than I had the rest of that week while I suffered the sickness that failed to leave me. Remarkably, the next day, I woke up and was able to sing, talk, and do many of the things I had been longing to do. I know that this probably isn't the place to talk about the way God loves each and every one of his children.... but it's totally and completely true.

Those of you that are my Non-LDS viewers, we have this thing called General Conference this weekend. Our general authorities talk about what we all can do to become better people and comfort us in letting us know that through Christ's atonement, we can all be saved. I challenge those of you that are interested, to sit down and watch/listen to these meetings. We have four sessions every October and April.

It Was A Super Reunion

It's been almost a week since my brother's came home. It seems like life is pretty beautiful for me right now. Stuff is actually going my way. My friends are all happy, my family is happy, and I'm happy. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to have time with my brother again. It seems I've forgotten how well-spoken and loving he is.

Overall, I'm starting to see more of his perspective on things. Heck, he's been here for like four days and I already feel closer to God. His testimony shines through with everything that he does. This must have been a remarkable experience for him. I'm thankful to have him back. It's been a long time and I couldn't be more excited to have him back in my life.

Throughout my week, I've had tons of time with him. We've done everything from talking, singing, playing, searching, and watching things together. It's been absolutely fantastic. I'm glad to see him so happy. It really does seem like he's got everything figured out with the Lord on his side. His attitude makes me want to be a better person. He truly is my hero. I'm so glad I can be reunited with him once more.

For a while, Jordan has felt very awkward about being back in Idaho. He keeps referring to Maine as his home. Typical for a return missionary, am I right? However, he has done a good job of transferring back to this home. He's gotten back with his best friend, Ned, and has plans of living with him before he goes back to BYU-I. He's got a bright future in front of him.

Counting the Ways to Where You Are

Waking up on a Saturday morning is wonderful because you have nothing to worry about... except chores. But that's a normal person's life in general, right? The worst part about Saturdays is the fact that you have a limited time to be lazy.

Friday night is usually filled with having fun with friends. So it's not like you can be lazy then... Sunday is the day of "rest," and we have church stuff that day. The only day left to be both productive and lazy is Saturday. What a bummer...

Probably the hardest thing to do right now is live in the now. I have so many things that I'm looking forward to in the future that it's hard to see my hand right in front of my face when I'm concentrated on the amusement park of life that I have in store for me in the future. Maybe we should be concentrated on the past more than what we have in store. 

If you really think about it... Memories build our future. Think about it. What kind of things determine your biggest decisions. Feelings, right? Feelings have to be developed with the memories we've had both good and bad. If we concentrate on our past memories, they'll determine what decisions we can make now for a better future. Time flies. Spend it wisely.

On a different note-- I'm totally looking forward to this new trimester. It's the last trimester of my Junior year! I'm totally psyched to get my learning done with and start our Summer vacation. Plus, my big brother comes home this Wednesday! But in the meantime, I guess it's time to just chill out with my friends while I still have the chance. Y'know... before they graduate and leave me.

Stages of My Single Journey

It's hard to believe that I was dumped exactly seven months ago! It feels like much longer than seven months... But it hasn't been! So, here's a recap on my single status and the processes I've gone through.

Depressed Beyond Belief
Initially, I told myself I'd never talk about how sad I was during this time period and that I'd try to stay positive for all of my followers. But you know what? Let's get real. Once I got dumped, I felt like I was just existing without a purpose or reason. July 16-July 26 were my days of complete and utter misery. ("Lies" and "Turn Around, Bright Eyes") But that started to change during that last blog post. With the belief that I am Diamonds, I was able to take the next step of recovery.

Hopeful Dating With Resentment From The Past
I started to flirt with multiple guys in hopes that they'd all get my mind completely off of my ex. My hopeful stage lasted from July 26- September 27. I had fun getting hit on and went on 3 dates, but eventually this stage had to stop to make room for a better future.

Inspired By Change
From September 28- December 28, I was completely inspired by the idea of turning my life completely around by getting rid of the negative and making myself way better than I already was. During this stage I went on like... one date because I was completely focused on bettering myself more than ever. However, I was stuck in my little bubble and refused to pop my head out and see what in my life was already perfect.

There's A Reason to Love
This stage brings us to the realization that I have some pretty amazing friends in the world. Kiley and James are pretty much my world right now. Even just seeing them happy in their relationships, shows me that I have a reason to love again and that I can be as happy as I was again. They've showed me that being single doesn't mean that I have to be alone. I know that I never have to feel lonely because they're here to listen to me and support me through my trials. They've opened my eyes to the world that I'm living in and have also showed me that love is more than a tragic catastrophe waiting to happen. They've brought those feelings, that I tried to throw away forever, back up and I'm so thankful that they've stood by my side through all of this. I know that whatever I go through, my friends will always love me.
("Call it True" and "To The One Who's Always There") I'm still in this wonderful stage and it's all thanks to my friends.

Call It True.

Okay. So there's this girl, and she's probably the strongest woman I've ever met in my entire life. I never thought that I'd end up caring about her so much when I first met her... but then she came back when I was at my worst. We lifted each other out of our depressions and supported each other through all of our hardships. Miss Emma Kiley, right now, is the biggest inspiration in my life. I couldn't be more proud of this amazing girl. She's gone through so much with and without me that it'd be close to impossible for me to hate her.

Ever since I got dumped six and a half months ago, a part of me kept telling me that I was all alone and because everyone else had their pair already I'd continue to be alone. I lost my best friend. I lost everything. But... She lost everything too. When she came back into my life, something clicked. Something within the both of us told us that we needed to be best friends and support each other because parts of us knew nobody else would support or love us the same way we accepted each other.

Time went on, and Kiley and I grew closer and closer. Our bond grew through the nights we'd stay up and talk about the challenges we had to go through as we'd eat ice cream and various other junk foods. I felt more and more like I could tell her everything. She actually cared about me, and shared a lot of the same views as me. Sure, we don't agree on absolutely everything, but we accept each other's views and values all the more, and appreciate our differences.

As we laid next to each other last night thinking of things to talk about and I realized that I seriously love this girl! She knows pretty much everything about a lot of my family members, and about how her kids will know my mom as "Grandma." Heck, we've even come up with a plan just in case neither of us end up getting married. We'll totally get an apartment and live together. This girl is truly my little sister, but I look up to her more than

She picks me up when I fall down, she listens to my little rants, it seems like she cares about all of my problems, and she's the first person I've been completely comfortable with in a long time. She's my best friend for sure and I hope that it stays that way for a long time.

To The One Who's Always There

Thank you...

Whenever I seem to be going through my biggest trials in life, you've always stood by me to lift me up and support me in every way possible.

I love you, James. You're one of the best guy friends I could ever ask for. And whether or not you LIKE being my brother doesn't matter because you're not going to get rid of me anytime soon.

You're amazing. Knowing you these past 4 years has been the greatest story I'll ever tell. Thank you for the journey, kid. :)

Hello, 2015

New Years Resolutions... This year, I feel that it may be time to grow up, drop things, and fix things.

2015. As the future approaches me I find myself realizing that my teenagerhood is coming to a close whislt Adulthood is right around the corner. To think... a year and a half from now, I'll be graduated! Adulthood couldn't scare me more than it has in the past like it does right now.

I remember really wanting to turn 16 years old. But now that I am 16, I'm finding that I really don't want to grow up anymore. 18 sounds like a scary age to me. I'll be going to college 2 years from now. What a scary thought! I feel so unprepared... Well, I guess it's time to embrace it!

Looking back on my year in 2014, I realize that I was very naive and needed the experience of yet another break up to get me out of a serious relationship that had me running into problems constantly. I learned that when both people put in 100% into a relationship, their 100%s equate to 50% and together make that 100% possible. This year, I will take that lesson into my life and APPLY it like crazy!

Poison. There is so much poison in my life right now that cuts me short of my full potential. Poison... Long story short, People or things that are poison bring stress and unnecessary drama into other people's lives. These people/things bring pain to others just by asking for sympathy or even just the thought of them makes the recipient emotionally unstable.

I am so grateful for my friends. They were able to see that I was hurting and still had resentment without even realizing it myself! I may not be able to tell who's poison in my life, but I do know I can count on my true friends to help me sort it out.

Shout Out to Gabby and Sienna: Thank you so much. I am very grateful and appreciative of all of the help you have given me this past year.

GABBY: You were so sweet to make me those chocolates! I'll be really surprised if you didn't end up getting a restaurant or a bakery when you grow up... But until then, I can't wait until we room together at BYU-I. I'm so excited. Be my mommy while we're there, kay? :)

SIENNA: You could pretty much write a biography on me and not leave out a single detail. You know me so well! I think you know a little bit less than my mom... and you know I tell my mom everything! Long story short, I love you and I'm so glad that our 100%s equate to 50% to form a perfect 100% bond between us. You're amazing. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, you beautiful independent Chica!

A wise woman once told me, you can't be part of two if you cannot be one. In other words, don't get in a relationship or expect others to love you when you have things about yourself that need to change or things that you may not like about yourself.

For me, I feel as though I need to undergo more spiritual growth this year. As an emotional teenage girl, I love hearing when others talk about what they believe in. Because of this, I figured I might as well grow closer to my Heavenly Father by gaining a greater testimony of my Faith.

Going into 2015, I'm feeling pretty confident. I know that through my hardships I can always go to my Heavenly Father, my mom, and even my true friends because I know that they all care about me, as a person. I finally feel like I am doing things right now. I know that I am part of something that brings happiness to my life and the lives of others. I know that I'm loved. I know that 2015 is going to be amazing, as long as I make it that way.