Give Me That Nirvana Again

When was the last time you've felt that complete sensation of nirvana as you lose yourself by the beauty of the world? To be perfectly honest, that was how I felt for some moments in our Fine Arts Seattle Tour. Not only did I feel on top of the world, but I felt a lot more important too; especially given the fact that when we performed, Troylairs got a triple-superior rating.

All of our hard work this year has paid off... and we even got invited to sing in Carnegie Hall and an invitation to sing backup for the Nashville Tribute Band! (Definitely auditioning for that in the end of May) Hopefully we'll have a Chamber Retreat this Summer and maybe even a movie night at Mr. Rasmussen's house!

I felt sensational. On top of the world... but going back to school dragged me back down to the bottom of the bucket of my social life. Sure, I still feel needed but I feel that I need to get out of my current situation.

I feel that I am in a very dark place in my life right now.

Turning to the scriptures and my For Strength of Youth pamphlet, I've realized that even though I've put my standards super high, I've disregarded them when it comes to letting people go. Now, I know the answer is clear but it's just executing it that I don't feel comfortable with. I guess it's just a matter of realizing that God will be with me as long as I'm in the right.

After all, recognizing your individual worth can do amazing things for you.

You're Making Me Live.

Every single day I feel just a little bit closer to them. Through listening to all of their trials, experiences, and stories I feel just a little bit stronger. Without the experience that they have given me, where would I be today?

Friendships.

Oh, all those little "hi's" and "hello's" in the halls to the "you look beautiful today's" wherever I go. Friendship is not only acknowledgement, but it's also harmony and acceptance. I've got to admit, I love every single one of my friends. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.

That being said, I think surrounding yourself with the right friends determines who you, ultimately, will become. I'm not saying that we all succumb to peer pressure or anything, but we do tend to act like the people we hang out with. Surrounding yourself with positive energy, amongst all trials, is the best thing you can do. However, I try to live by the way of "reaching up."

In the past, I've been known to reach down and save the people that I feel need my help. Though being selfless is considered a good attribute, we shouldn't be so careless as to put ourselves at risk just to lift up others in our lives. After all, helping people is a two-way street. That person needs to want to be helped.

Though friendships are very very important, there is a time to drop them and a time to pick them back up again. If you're unhappy in a friendship, get out. Friendship should be filled with regard for one another and fondness.

With friendship in mind, I challenge you all to write down all the friends you're grateful for and what they've taught you.

In My Place

I'd like to think that I finally found where I belong, where I'm happiest, and who will stand by me throughout every storm. To be perfectly honest, that person for me is my brother. I mean... let's think about this. It's not like he's ever going to disown me or anything. Heck, he even holds the priesthood. He's there to protect me, love me, and hang out with me whenever I need him.

Jordan is the most loving person that I've ever met. No matter what kind of person he runs into, he makes them feel included and important. For that, he is my hero. I try my best to be accepting of those around me too because of the way he has inspired me.

Recently, I had been very very sick. I was so scared that I wasn't going to get better that I finally resorted to asking Jordan to pray for me, though I had already been praying for myself. He reciprocated by telling me that he was going to go to the temple to put me in the prayer roll. 

I'll let you guys read his e-mail, because he tells the story much better than I ever could.

"My sister was a little sick this week. Having received the text for her asking for help, I determined it would be a very good plan to put her name on the temple prayer role. When I arrived at the temple that afternoon, I had forgotten why I was there and went to the baptistery. I needed up confirming group after group of people in the packed little confirmation room. After 4 hours of of confirmations, a name that rang familiar came by, the name: Charlene Rebecca Phillips. This came as a wonderful reminder and surprise to me! My little sisters name literally came before my eyes and reminded me to do what I had set out to. We finished the group and I went to put her name in the prayer role. The impression came, "There is yet more I can do to serve my sister."I went to pick up my best friend Ned and asked him if he would accompany me to my mothers home to give my little sister a blessing. As a result, our family had been inspired to attend the temple that Wednesday.
I've been working to help my mother to become more active in the church. The results of many prayers on the mission came to fruition this morning when we, my sister, mother and myself, all went to do baptism at the temple together for the first time... Ever.
Turning to me before we entered our respective dressing rooms, she whispered, " this is the first time since I was a teenager I've done baptisms for the dead!" I won't tell you how young she is now but suffice it to say that she wasn't saying that for nothing.
The experience that we shared there after was to be always remembered. I don't know how the temple workers know but I had the opportunity to confirm and baptize my sister and mother for the dead. I can't explain how grateful I am for that memory. It's one that will be a powerful tool in the utility belt of the Holy Ghost to help me stay on the straight and narrow.
This will turn into a monthly practice in our family. Every first Wednesday will be at the Lords house."

When Jordan and Ned came over to give me that Priesthood Blessing, I felt a lot more loved than I had the rest of that week while I suffered the sickness that failed to leave me. Remarkably, the next day, I woke up and was able to sing, talk, and do many of the things I had been longing to do. I know that this probably isn't the place to talk about the way God loves each and every one of his children.... but it's totally and completely true.

Those of you that are my Non-LDS viewers, we have this thing called General Conference this weekend. Our general authorities talk about what we all can do to become better people and comfort us in letting us know that through Christ's atonement, we can all be saved. I challenge those of you that are interested, to sit down and watch/listen to these meetings. We have four sessions every October and April.

It Was A Super Reunion

It's been almost a week since my brother's came home. It seems like life is pretty beautiful for me right now. Stuff is actually going my way. My friends are all happy, my family is happy, and I'm happy. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to have time with my brother again. It seems I've forgotten how well-spoken and loving he is.

Overall, I'm starting to see more of his perspective on things. Heck, he's been here for like four days and I already feel closer to God. His testimony shines through with everything that he does. This must have been a remarkable experience for him. I'm thankful to have him back. It's been a long time and I couldn't be more excited to have him back in my life.

Throughout my week, I've had tons of time with him. We've done everything from talking, singing, playing, searching, and watching things together. It's been absolutely fantastic. I'm glad to see him so happy. It really does seem like he's got everything figured out with the Lord on his side. His attitude makes me want to be a better person. He truly is my hero. I'm so glad I can be reunited with him once more.

For a while, Jordan has felt very awkward about being back in Idaho. He keeps referring to Maine as his home. Typical for a return missionary, am I right? However, he has done a good job of transferring back to this home. He's gotten back with his best friend, Ned, and has plans of living with him before he goes back to BYU-I. He's got a bright future in front of him.

Counting the Ways to Where You Are

Waking up on a Saturday morning is wonderful because you have nothing to worry about... except chores. But that's a normal person's life in general, right? The worst part about Saturdays is the fact that you have a limited time to be lazy.

Friday night is usually filled with having fun with friends. So it's not like you can be lazy then... Sunday is the day of "rest," and we have church stuff that day. The only day left to be both productive and lazy is Saturday. What a bummer...

Probably the hardest thing to do right now is live in the now. I have so many things that I'm looking forward to in the future that it's hard to see my hand right in front of my face when I'm concentrated on the amusement park of life that I have in store for me in the future. Maybe we should be concentrated on the past more than what we have in store. 

If you really think about it... Memories build our future. Think about it. What kind of things determine your biggest decisions. Feelings, right? Feelings have to be developed with the memories we've had both good and bad. If we concentrate on our past memories, they'll determine what decisions we can make now for a better future. Time flies. Spend it wisely.

On a different note-- I'm totally looking forward to this new trimester. It's the last trimester of my Junior year! I'm totally psyched to get my learning done with and start our Summer vacation. Plus, my big brother comes home this Wednesday! But in the meantime, I guess it's time to just chill out with my friends while I still have the chance. Y'know... before they graduate and leave me.

Stages of My Single Journey

It's hard to believe that I was dumped exactly seven months ago! It feels like much longer than seven months... But it hasn't been! So, here's a recap on my single status and the processes I've gone through.

Depressed Beyond Belief
Initially, I told myself I'd never talk about how sad I was during this time period and that I'd try to stay positive for all of my followers. But you know what? Let's get real. Once I got dumped, I felt like I was just existing without a purpose or reason. July 16-July 26 were my days of complete and utter misery. ("Lies" and "Turn Around, Bright Eyes") But that started to change during that last blog post. With the belief that I am Diamonds, I was able to take the next step of recovery.

Hopeful Dating With Resentment From The Past
I started to flirt with multiple guys in hopes that they'd all get my mind completely off of my ex. My hopeful stage lasted from July 26- September 27. I had fun getting hit on and went on 3 dates, but eventually this stage had to stop to make room for a better future.

Inspired By Change
From September 28- December 28, I was completely inspired by the idea of turning my life completely around by getting rid of the negative and making myself way better than I already was. During this stage I went on like... one date because I was completely focused on bettering myself more than ever. However, I was stuck in my little bubble and refused to pop my head out and see what in my life was already perfect.

There's A Reason to Love
This stage brings us to the realization that I have some pretty amazing friends in the world. Kiley and James are pretty much my world right now. Even just seeing them happy in their relationships, shows me that I have a reason to love again and that I can be as happy as I was again. They've showed me that being single doesn't mean that I have to be alone. I know that I never have to feel lonely because they're here to listen to me and support me through my trials. They've opened my eyes to the world that I'm living in and have also showed me that love is more than a tragic catastrophe waiting to happen. They've brought those feelings, that I tried to throw away forever, back up and I'm so thankful that they've stood by my side through all of this. I know that whatever I go through, my friends will always love me.
("Call it True" and "To The One Who's Always There") I'm still in this wonderful stage and it's all thanks to my friends.

Call It True.

Okay. So there's this girl, and she's probably the strongest woman I've ever met in my entire life. I never thought that I'd end up caring about her so much when I first met her... but then she came back when I was at my worst. We lifted each other out of our depressions and supported each other through all of our hardships. Miss Emma Kiley, right now, is the biggest inspiration in my life. I couldn't be more proud of this amazing girl. She's gone through so much with and without me that it'd be close to impossible for me to hate her.

Ever since I got dumped six and a half months ago, a part of me kept telling me that I was all alone and because everyone else had their pair already I'd continue to be alone. I lost my best friend. I lost everything. But... She lost everything too. When she came back into my life, something clicked. Something within the both of us told us that we needed to be best friends and support each other because parts of us knew nobody else would support or love us the same way we accepted each other.

Time went on, and Kiley and I grew closer and closer. Our bond grew through the nights we'd stay up and talk about the challenges we had to go through as we'd eat ice cream and various other junk foods. I felt more and more like I could tell her everything. She actually cared about me, and shared a lot of the same views as me. Sure, we don't agree on absolutely everything, but we accept each other's views and values all the more, and appreciate our differences.

As we laid next to each other last night thinking of things to talk about and I realized that I seriously love this girl! She knows pretty much everything about a lot of my family members, and about how her kids will know my mom as "Grandma." Heck, we've even come up with a plan just in case neither of us end up getting married. We'll totally get an apartment and live together. This girl is truly my little sister, but I look up to her more than

She picks me up when I fall down, she listens to my little rants, it seems like she cares about all of my problems, and she's the first person I've been completely comfortable with in a long time. She's my best friend for sure and I hope that it stays that way for a long time.

To The One Who's Always There

Thank you...

Whenever I seem to be going through my biggest trials in life, you've always stood by me to lift me up and support me in every way possible.

I love you, James. You're one of the best guy friends I could ever ask for. And whether or not you LIKE being my brother doesn't matter because you're not going to get rid of me anytime soon.

You're amazing. Knowing you these past 4 years has been the greatest story I'll ever tell. Thank you for the journey, kid. :)

Hello, 2015

New Years Resolutions... This year, I feel that it may be time to grow up, drop things, and fix things.

2015. As the future approaches me I find myself realizing that my teenagerhood is coming to a close whislt Adulthood is right around the corner. To think... a year and a half from now, I'll be graduated! Adulthood couldn't scare me more than it has in the past like it does right now.

I remember really wanting to turn 16 years old. But now that I am 16, I'm finding that I really don't want to grow up anymore. 18 sounds like a scary age to me. I'll be going to college 2 years from now. What a scary thought! I feel so unprepared... Well, I guess it's time to embrace it!

Looking back on my year in 2014, I realize that I was very naive and needed the experience of yet another break up to get me out of a serious relationship that had me running into problems constantly. I learned that when both people put in 100% into a relationship, their 100%s equate to 50% and together make that 100% possible. This year, I will take that lesson into my life and APPLY it like crazy!

Poison. There is so much poison in my life right now that cuts me short of my full potential. Poison... Long story short, People or things that are poison bring stress and unnecessary drama into other people's lives. These people/things bring pain to others just by asking for sympathy or even just the thought of them makes the recipient emotionally unstable.

I am so grateful for my friends. They were able to see that I was hurting and still had resentment without even realizing it myself! I may not be able to tell who's poison in my life, but I do know I can count on my true friends to help me sort it out.

Shout Out to Gabby and Sienna: Thank you so much. I am very grateful and appreciative of all of the help you have given me this past year.

GABBY: You were so sweet to make me those chocolates! I'll be really surprised if you didn't end up getting a restaurant or a bakery when you grow up... But until then, I can't wait until we room together at BYU-I. I'm so excited. Be my mommy while we're there, kay? :)

SIENNA: You could pretty much write a biography on me and not leave out a single detail. You know me so well! I think you know a little bit less than my mom... and you know I tell my mom everything! Long story short, I love you and I'm so glad that our 100%s equate to 50% to form a perfect 100% bond between us. You're amazing. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, you beautiful independent Chica!

A wise woman once told me, you can't be part of two if you cannot be one. In other words, don't get in a relationship or expect others to love you when you have things about yourself that need to change or things that you may not like about yourself.

For me, I feel as though I need to undergo more spiritual growth this year. As an emotional teenage girl, I love hearing when others talk about what they believe in. Because of this, I figured I might as well grow closer to my Heavenly Father by gaining a greater testimony of my Faith.

Going into 2015, I'm feeling pretty confident. I know that through my hardships I can always go to my Heavenly Father, my mom, and even my true friends because I know that they all care about me, as a person. I finally feel like I am doing things right now. I know that I am part of something that brings happiness to my life and the lives of others. I know that I'm loved. I know that 2015 is going to be amazing, as long as I make it that way.

Give A Little More

Eight days of vacation and all I've been doing is binge watching TV shows and movies on Netflix. Other people are out doing things and yet here I am just laying in bed with my step-sister, Sarah, watching Sword Art Online. As the days of my vacation pass by, my phone seems as if it hardly ever goes off. Here I am again... lonely. Sure, I've got a few people that would like to talk to me... but they're just the kind of people that I don't feel like conversating with because I'm always the one carrying our pointless conversations. As the hours of my nothing-filled day pass by, my phone seems to be filled with nothing as well.

There's always that one guy that we, as teenage girls, usually count on. For me, that person has ended up being James. I always feel like talking to him. He brightens my day and makes me feel wanted. He's the best guy friend I could possibly ask for. When we text and talk on the phone he makes me feel like I'm actually wanted. I always hope that when he talks to me he feels the same... but lately he's been busy with work and family so we haven't been able to talk that much, but that's okay because I always have Netflix and video games... but all I really want to do is hear from a hand full of people (no name dropping).

Loneliness. What else can you expect after getting out of a super long relationship? After being used to all of this constant "I love you" stuff, I've realized that I took it all for granted. There's always those days where I think the fact that I'm single is the best thing ever... but the opposite is true too. I think I say that for every single person on the planet when I say that. It's just human nature. 

I just hope that someday I'll actually have my love life figured out. Right now it's easy for me to say that I'm more confused than I've ever been about love. It's not that hard for me to decide what kind of guy is the guy I should marry in my future; It is hard to decide what I need to do to improve myself for him so that I can be the girl that he's looking for. With how little my dating experience has been, I still have a lot to learn about detailed qualities.

For example, it's easy for me to write down on my list that a guy has to be faithful, but it would be better if I were to write that he would stay true to the gospel and to me. Different qualities can be taken in many different ways, and as you go down the list of qualities you can easily settle for less...  which is something nobody should consider when searching for a future partner. Making a quality list may also help you figure out whether or not they're doing all the things on the list as well. If they fit your list perfectly and you want to marry them, you want the feeling to be mutual, right?

Fixing myself after I got dumped has definitely been one of the biggest-- if not the biggest challenge I have ever gone through. I remember how devastated and broken I was. I still had friends there to support me after all the drama like Gabby, Kiley, Sienna, and James and I'm thankful looking back to see how much they've gotten me through. They all taught me that it wasn't really the end of the world after 'Drawkah.' Turn Around, Bright Eyes. After all, if it weren't for them, I may have abandoned my blog or done something equally as drastic just because of how lonely I felt. I have to thank the Lord for this one because my friends helped keep me sane.

I am so grateful for all of the blessings that come from writing this blog. Some may not know what the good in having a blog is but I know that having a blog was good for me because:

• My friends are able to check up on me
• I am able to look back on how I've dealt with situations in the past
• Helps me relate my past situations to now
• Helps me remember what I've gone through
• It has helped me share my own beliefs
• It has given out inspirational thoughts and advice

As this year comes to an end, I look forward to seeing what 'epic' things may happen to me in the future and what advice I may give to some of you that may inspire us all to be better people. Give a little more than you take. Think before you speak. Comfort those in need. It'll all be worth it. Kindness circulates through the law of attraction, but so does negativity so be careful what you give to others.

To The Moon And Back

What makes somebody your best friend... or even your 'bestie?' For me, there's several contributing factors. Currently, I don't consider everyone I talk to as my best friend. There's a few select people that I'd pick out above the rest. However, I can't 'put all my eggs in one basket' like I used to because I know it'll hurt when the friendship comes to an end. What's with friendships anyways?

A best friendship is essential in everyone's life at some point or another because I don't think anyone should have to stand alone while going through their own personal challenges. It's always nice when you can talk to somebody about your problems and share experiences in hopes to make each other better in the end. However, not everybody's paths of life match up so you can't always expect these types of friendships to last.

A true friendship is a friendship that in my eyes will never have an actual point in ending, so it doesn't unless it "fades" away. Whenever this pair or group of friends fight, it always ends in apologies and ends because of how strong the friendship is on all sides. I, personally, have several true friendships in my life. For example, when me and Sienna fight, it may get extreme, but we always end up hugging it out because our friendship means the world to us. The reason this happens is because both sides of the friendship see no more point in fighting and decide to resolve it all. I always end up praying that these friendships will last forever because of the joy that they bring into my life.

When a friendship ends, sometimes you end up feeling like a fool for believing that the friendship was true. But don't worry, that's normal, I know that I feel like that every time that I lose someone that I considered close or even true. But believe me when I say that it will happen in your life. If not once, than you may be getting lied to.

Sometimes there comes a time in life where you have to accept and let go of a friendship or a best friendship because your friend decides that you are 'no longer needed' for whatever reason. I won't call these ex-friends jerks because there's a clear reason why they can't be your friend anymore. To put it simplest, your paths no longer match up and you have grown apart, or rather they ditched you to be in a relationship with someone that probably won't last anyways. The easiest way to accept this, in my own experience, is to rely upon your other friends. 

If you don't have any other friends, go out and make some. I can't tell you how many times random strangers and I have communicated and became friends. Heck, even ask Keely Keele. I remember getting onto the bus on September 20, 2012, a little bit before Dawson and I got together, during my Freshman year and sitting next to her and just starting a conversation with "You know what I hate? When people whisper across the classroom!" Making friends is easy, you just have to make sure you're open to it and that they are too. Heck, I made friends with Kiley and her brother over something as simple as a Tootsie Pop!

One of the biggest things that me and my close friends do together is give each other nicknames and tell each other that we love each other and even sleep in the same bed during sleepovers. But hey, that's totally normal, right? Sienna came over about two weeks ago and we laid in my bed and watched Peter Pan and at one point we posted a Snap Chat to her story of me "cuddling" with her. We ended up texting people that night and talking about drama and even changing the names in my contacts. Now, in my phone, Sienna is Pimp, Kiley is Bae, and Gabby is Sexy Latina Teacha. Even back in the eighth grade, me and my friend Mary were planning on having a fake wedding for our friendship family. 

Guess you can't have super close friendships with your friends

 without loving them to the moon and back.

Song of the Day: Always For You by The Lighthouse and The Whaler

Post Dedication: James

You are amazing, and are a very close and important friend to me. I know that at some point we will all have to go our separate paths, but I really hope that we will be able to keep in touch and keep our true friendship, you guessed it... true.

Dating in Highschool

Whilst talking to my stepbrother tonight and visiting with my friend Sienna last week, I realized that there is a huge controversial topic in our age group. The question being, when is dating appropriate?

Of course, the age old question is-- When are you old enough to date? As for my personal beliefs, sixteen is the age both because of my religion and statistics show that ages 16-18 is the range of age when teenagers can start feeling that 'love' for somebody else. 'Love' doctors have proved this! Now that I've gotten out of my earlier teenage years, I'm able to see that I really didn't know what love was back then, but the more I went about my life and closer to this more mature age, I was able to see it and grow and appreciate it more than I did the strong friendship that I mistook for love. If I were just a little bit younger than 16 when I started dating, I probably would've ended up in a dangerous situation where I would've been tempted or unprotected on the so-called 'date.'

I know that I speak for my age group when the term 'dating' means that you are exclusive with that person and that you are in your own little relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend. I've gone through that process twice now, and both times I've ended up telling myself "Pf, I don't need a boyfriend to be happy!" I know that I at least speak for myself when I say that people are attracted to confidence and happiness. When I see somebody that looks happy and confident with their life I'm definitely gravitated towards them.

Nowadays, I see the exclusiveness between couples my age and younger as a type of cluelessness about what else is actually out there. Through just dating people, there's no pressure of having to 'break-up' with one another. Through just dating people, there's still a chase and mystery factor of whether the other person might actually like you. Whereas couples straight up say "I love you." I think it's more exciting not knowing if they do or not, the chase is a wonderful thing, I know that the chase doesn't turn out to be as strong when you're in a relationship. Why stick with one flavor when you can sample all sorts of different ones? Sure, maybe your 'flavor of the month' might be chocolate, but you'll never know any better unless you go try some of that rocky road.

I know that for Mormons, it can be very difficult and stress-inducing to date before your mission. There's a big factor of teenage hormones that drive teens to like one another, but there's also a factor of that want of obedience and dedication towards God. I know a few men in my life that are in a relationship with some one else pre-mission. I know that I speak for a good amount of women when I say that waiting hurts.

My brother's love interest before he left on his mission wanted to wait for him and he had to debate on what to do and whether to stay in a relationship. He finally made the decision of telling her to just live her life without him for the next two years. About six months into his mission, his love interest got engaged to his best friend. Of course, my brother was very happy for the happiness of his two best friends, but was also going through a little bit of heart break at the same time. I know from this experience, that forming serious relationships before serving a full time mission may be toxic in the floating factor of possible heartbreak.

My advice on this matter is to stay single and date around. I at times regret going into the two relationships that I did, but I know that I wouldn't have had the experience to share and the advice to give if I didn't go into those two relationships. I'm glad that I have the chance to stay single and meet lots of other teens to discover more qualities of what I might seek in a future partner. Jumping into a relationship can be dangerous because you don't always know what you're getting into with the person. There could be a total deal breaker involved and you may feel super bad because you have to break up with them over it. Once again, through just dating people, you can sample all the different flavors.

First Tri Recap 2014

Finals week! I can't believe how much of a mess this week has been with all of the finals and trying to finish up tests and notes and last-minute assignments. At least it will give people the wake-up-realization that they need to be more organized for next trimester and have much better time management. However, for me, it was still stressful even though I had most of everything done. It was hard because throughout the entire trimester I was trying to balance my school work and my fun.

The bad thing about high school is that just about every teacher at our school likes to think that their class is the only class that you have... EVEN if it's advisory. It's not very convenient when you have made plans and then they get all messed up just because your teachers decide that your education requires pages upon pages of homework. Sure, they give you time in class. But maybe we should spend less time getting lectured on how bad we are, and more time learning about how to do what we need to do.

In English, the score I got on my Final wasn't any better OR any worse from my Pretest score. It makes me pretty disappointed in knowing that I didn't really improve all trimester. However, in Chemistry and Trigonometry I felt like I learned a lot and had a few aha moments in the class as well. Yet, in my History grade, I felt like I didn't learn anything after an entire trimester of sweat and hard work... even though I got an A. As for Chamber Singers, I feel like I improved a ton vocally and was able to express myself in more ways than just singing with everybody. With things such as group games and challenging warm-ups, I feel as if I've become a lot better than I was when it was just Burrows teaching us. Ras has definitely improved our choral program.

Even though for the most part I didn't have any fun classes, I was still able to make the best of each of my days at RHS this trimester. I strengthened and made friendships. Just in one trimester, I've been able to better realize the importance of friendship. Gosh, how is it that I had forgotten how awesome friendship was when I was too busy thinking about me and my own relationship? I feel disappointed in myself looking back on last year and how much I pushed people away from me, when I could have strengthened bonds even more with them while it lasted, instead I let my friends fade away. I couldn't feel any more sorry for the opportunity I lost sight of my Sophomore year.

Lil Miss Epic's 2 Year Anniversary Post: 20 Months Without My Brother

Life gets tough when you don't have that special someone next to you to depend on all the time, especially when they were the one that you sought approval from and were closest to in your time of need. For me, that special someone is Erik Jordan Phillips, my 21 year old brother. When he read out his mission call, I knew that I would miss him more than anything else but with him out in the field, I've had to face a lot of things out on my own. 

At first I knew it was going to be okay because my boyfriend at the time was able to comfort me and tell me that everything was going to be alright with him gone. As time progressed, I started forgetting about him and dealing with my own teenage activities like hanging out with friends and participating in choir. Every once in a while, I would stumble upon a little piece of him as I went about my daily life. I found items like photos, poems, songs, and even letters that he had written me. Those items gave me a quick little reminder that my hero was out serving the Lord on his LDS mission.

A lot of the letters from my brother happened to be apologies for "not spending enough time with his precious little sister." It humbled my heart in seeing that even he makes mistakes. Of course, it did hurt not being able to hang out with my very-busy-brother, but the apology he gave me made me forgive him and miss him even more than I already did.

It was scary being without him sometimes. There'd be spiders in my room, and I couldn't call for my brother to come smash it dead! But while he was gone on his LDS mission, I realized most of the qualities that I want in my future husband. As I tried to change things with my current boyfriend, things started failing in the relationship and I ended up getting my heart broken. It killed me not being able to talk about it with my big brother, face-to-face. Heck, I didn't even get a letter telling me to 'cheer up' from him. I was heart-broken, not just over getting dumped, but also over the friendships that seemed to be falling through as time went on.

I was depressed and life was darker than ever. I had gone on a couple of dates to try to cheer myself up, but it was then that I realized that I wasn't looking in the right places for what I want. I needed my friends back... but what could I do to get good friends? I started writing my brother again, and he sent me some adorable dating stories. I knew that I had to change so that I was attracting the right energy into my life, and be the right kind of girl for my future man and the right kind of friend to attract good friendships. After all, I did know what I wanted, it was just time to go after it.

Now, I find myself missing him so much with just four months left of his mission. I can't believe he'll be back in March. There's so much I've learned about him, learned from him, and learned without him while he's been gone. The real question is-- Has it been worth it? Absolutely. I wouldn't trade anything for the important life lessons I've learned and the eye-opening experiences I've experienced.

TWO YEARS

A lot can happen in two years.

A lot of fear, a lot of tears.

But what can you do to change?

What is there to rearrange?

Your heart is shattered.

Your brain, scattered.

Look to him in every way.

He will brighten up your day.

Before you know it, two years have passed.

Two years seemed as if they had a lot longer to last.

You could've been broken, but you were full of cheers.

Now I ask you, Would you have changed those years?

-Bek Phillips

HAPPY TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO MY BEAUTIFUL
LIL MISS EPIC BLOG PAGE!

It's been amazing working here on the blog. 

I've learned so much within these past two years.

I wouldn't change a thing if I were given the choice to. 

I love you all, thanks for reading.

Influential Inspiration

We all have those moments where we sit by ourselves and just want to lay around and cry because of how 'unblessed' we feel, even though we know in the back of our minds that our lives probably couldn't be any better than they are now. But the truth is-- we totally are blessed. Heck, when you think about it, we're way more blessed than we think we are.

How terrible it is of us to sit here and expect love from others when we aren't giving love to them. How do you expect somebody to treat you with respect, when you don't have the decency to treat them the same? How can we expect somebody to accept us for who we are, when we're always judging those around us for who they are? It's questions like these that make us step back and think about what we're doing to build or demolish the lives of the people around us. But why do we ask others and ourselves these seemingly pointless questions if we don't expect change out of ourselves?

Waiting for change to happen is like sitting in a dark room waiting for somebody to flip the switch. Why sit around and wait for it to happen, when you could get up off of your butt and make your life brighter. If you want the change, then make that change. However, if you(like me) have started to make that change and are loving all the blessings you receive because of it, keep at it! You can't expect the blessings to keep coming and coming if you stop working for it. Life isn't going to just do itself for you, you have to do life! If you want somebody to change-- it's their choice. Just know that we still have to be that example, that shining light, for those who we know can do so much better.

Have somebody you know that needs to fix their life and get back on the right track? Be that example for them, fix something that you need to fix, to help motivate and inspire them to fix their life. It really isn't all that hard to inspire those around you. Believe it or not, people younger than you are looking up to you to see what is normal or what they can do to contribute and become more responsible and self-reliant, or just learn from your bad example. Even those older than you may look up at you and tell themselves that they need to be better, or they could just complain about how kids have changed these days. Trust me when I say that your peers and people your own age look at you and think, (whether they realize it or not) "What can I do to be more like them?" or even "Wow, what they're doing is totally not right, I'm glad I'm not them." 

Your thoughts, your actions, even what you say can influence somebody around you so much in what they're doing in their own lives.

It's Not An Option

It's not an option, baby. I'm not letting go. It's not an option, baby. When you truly love somebody, it won't even be an option to leave. Any fights that you have with them will just be seen as pointless and you'll end up dropping it fairly quick.

Say something I'm giving up on you is not love... it's definitely meant to be that way, but honestly... if you love somebody, leaving them is not even an option.

Before you get in a fight with those you love, keep in mind the question,  "it really worth it?" Is this little fight really going to ruin your future together? If it really is, then get out.

Love is forgiveness and sincerity, not accusation and dishonesty. Are you giving love or are you giving hate? Remember the law of attraction... Whatever you give, you receive!

I understand that most of the advice that I give out is easier said than done, but maybe that's what we need in life... We need to quit over-complicating things, when we already know the simple answer.

Song of the Day: Squeaking Wheels and White Light by This Providence

Be That Change

The moment when you decide to stay the same, is the moment where your life will drastically drag you down. The moment when you decide to change yourself is the moment you will see the difference your life that you've been begging for. The moment when you decide to help somebody else change, is the moment you have come full circle.

Be the difference in the world, and inspire somebody else to change along with the want for you to become somebody better than you are now. We all can initiate the change in our life but we all, whether we admit it or not, need help in doing so. Why not help others when you know that you need help too? Maybe you are the person that'll change their life, or at least trigger their want for change.

I know that I have been able to change myself, and I've been working on helping others in their daily tasks. In fact, it's helped me with my own tasks because the same people will offer their help when I need somebody to lean on. Not only has initiating my change been beneficial on my religious side, but i's also been able to help me open up my social circle too.

I find myself more able to talk to people instead of being closed off like I used to. I'm meeting lots of new people by not just hanging out with the same people all the time, and changing up my regular schedule. I don't find myself alone very often-- unless I happen to be walking to the bus alone or staying after school when nobody else is there.

I know that initiating my change has been extremely beneficial to me and to my friends. I know that what I'm on the right track. My blog is here not only to notify each and every one of my readers about the things that are going on in my life, but also the things that I see all around me that make me inspired to uplift and motivate you all. I close by again saying, Be the difference in the world, and inspire somebody else to change along with the want for you to become somebody better than you are now.

Will You Be My Superman?

So, I decided to take a leap of faith and ask a certain somebody to girl's choice Harvest dance coming up the day before my blog's anniversary-- November 8th! We had talked in previous weeks about 'promposals' and creative ways to ask girls to a dance after I had been asked to Homecoming by Cameron. Because I thought the guy I asked was so good, and Clark Kent(played by Tom Welling) from Smallville, (an old TV series on the CW) is a good guy too, he made me think of Superman, who I've recently became more of a fan towards.

Anyways, I went out and bought some neon tennis shoes that I had been wanting, and planned away! I decided I wanted to buy some Supermanesque. duct tape. I ended up buying a nice dark blue shade and a nice dark red shade for my colors. I also found this awesome tape with the logo on it and everything! For the lid of the box, I taped it red. For the box itself, I taped it blue, and for the inside, I did the logo duct tape.

It was time to fill the box with whatever I thought would fit my superman theme. I knew exactly what to do! Again, I went off to Walmart to find a nice blue T-shirt. In all of my attempts, I couldn't find just a plain Superman shirt! Finally, I found this adorably awesome Superman shirt (that was EXACTLY what I was looking for, with a cape that could be attached with Velcro. One problem-- there was only one, and it was a size small, which I knew neither me or my crush would be able to fit into. In attempts to save the day, or "date" in my case, I called my mother to see what she could find out via the internet. Apparently in the Walmart I was at, that was the only shirt they had left in the store. But in the Walmart across town, I'd be able to find a ton of different sizes of that same shirt.

Let me tell ya, that other Walmart had a TON of Superman merch. I found myself oo-ing and ah-ing over nearly everything Superman related in the men's section. Varsity jackets, other cool shirts, and shirts that look like you're wearing a belt! Boy, was it super! I knew he would like what I was getting him, but I wasn't completely sure he even liked superman. Confident in my Harvest proposal, that was just missing this last piece, I decided to buy the two shirts that had the capes. I was super excited to give it to him the next day. On the lid of the box, I put "Jared, Harvest would be SUPER if you were my man." and on the bottom of the box underneath the T-shirt I put "Harvest? -Bek" Anyways, I got it to him on Tuesday the fourteenth and was really excited to find out his reaction when my friend Kiley gave him the box.

I was pretty happy and content after I had asked him considering I knew he'd taken a liking to the shirt as I had totally modeled it at my school that same Tuesday. Expecting a response the next day, or within the same week, I went about my day and went to mutual, and came home to lay in bed and text Tyler and James. When all of a sudden, I get a text from Jared asking,
"Do you put your dogs in at night?" and I responded with,
"Yeah, why?"
"Oh. I was wondering because they didn't bark..."
"What the heck? are you like.. at my house right now?!"
"Haha. Total stalker moment. Just go look just outside your gate."

I was totally surprised... he had been at my house... was he still here? I walked outside and all I could see was this golden balloon hovering above my yard. I went out to catch it, and since it looked like it was attached to the fence, or our tree, I went inside to get scissors and cut it loose, I pulled the balloon down and it read "I can't wait to "fly" you to harvest. -Jared" Oh you wouldn't believe how happy I was that he had say yes, especially since it was on the day of. Sure it was just an answer, but really-- it meant the world to me right then and there.

It was unbelievable. He totally made my day, and he told me ":) Thanks. And thank you for asking, it was creative and fun, and I totally didn't see it coming until I read the note. :)" Even just the thought that I had made his day, made me sleep easy because I knew that I might have turned his day around to make it better just by doing something as simple as asking him to a school dance. Maybe he was just being nice? Is that why he said yes?

The next morning, I was getting ready to go to Chick-Fil-A with my mom because she promised she would take me that Wednesday morning. My mom, letting out all the dogs into the front yard to go to the bathroom, wondered what was at the other end of the balloon string that I had cut loose the previous night. Turns out, it lead to a giant pile of candy and a bouquet of roses-- a dozen at that. She couldn't believe her eyes, as she was walking in, I spotted her with all of the stuff and knew it had to be for me. I started jumping up and down and was super excited. I couldn't believe he had done more than the cute little balloon he had given me last night. Reviewing our text messages, I noticed that in his last message he told me to"Just go look just outside your gate." It was my fault! I didn't look by the gate, I only got caught up in the balloon because it was so... super! I told him that he had made my morning and my night by leaving all of this stuff there for me.

Teasing me, my mom kept telling me that he went way too overboard to just say yes to me. In my mind, the balloon would've been enough... but I think he spent almost the same amount that I did in saying yes to me. I knew that he obviously cared and genuinely wanted to go with me because he got me my favorite flowers, my favorite chocolate and said yes in a creative way! Isn't it just perfect? Gosh, this date will be SUPER fun.

I'm "super" excited to get to know this kid.

Make An Adjustment

My life has changed so much already since I've started initiating my change! Not only have others reached out and included me in their friend-groups, but I'm starting to humble myself in helping and complimenting and strengthening my bonds with my close friends. Teenage years, to many, are the hardest years. But, what does a true friend do? Even though you may be going through a dark time now, you are still able to help those around you to lift them up so that they may help you do the same.
What do I need to be happy? The obvious answer is-- my religion, my family, and my friends.

I know that if we can put all of our effort into our three needs, our happiness will dramatically increase. Maybe it's just the law-of-attraction speaking, but hey. amen!

Recently, I was included in an amazing moment. My friend, Jared, invited me with him and his group of friends to go see "Meet the Mormons," a documentary about what we believe in, and the activities we do. At first, I was a bit skeptical in thinking that since it was a documentary, it would be really boring. Boy, was I wrong. The theater was laughing, crying, and just going through all sorts of emotions. I felt the spirit-- in a movie theater of all places! I totally recommend this movie, especially if you're looking into the gospel, or even looking to reaffirm your faith. It tells an amazing story about the lives of 6 latter-day-saints. It was amazing, and made me want to do more in the world.

Service! It's amazing, you guys. Even just commenting on somebody's Facebook status by telling them that they are beautiful can absolutely make their day. After all, it's not every day that I get called beautiful--especially since I'm single. Relationship statuses aside, I know in my heart that I don't need a man to be happy. All I need to know is that I'm a beautiful daughter of God, and I surround myself with people who see me as that, and so it's easy to "play the part." And you know what they say, be the character. But to be the character, you  have to change your life, and make adjustments to what you want to be seen as by other people. How can you adjust your life?

Adjust how you view yourself, and how others perceive you. Start becoming more thankful for all of the blessings that you already have. Find something reliable and solid to put your faith and trust in. For me, this is the gospel, and my family. Sure, friends are able to help you too, but they aren't always available. However, Christ and your family are always available to help. Become aware of your surroundings, stand in holy places and places you feel comfortable to grow and become a better person.

Playing the part, isn't always as easy as it may sound. Even I'm having a hard time adjusting to my changes, but that's why you need to surround yourself with the good in the world, and the things that you love. If we're always looking at the bad things in life, how can we find time to be grateful for all the things that we are given? How can we find something reliable if we, ourselves, are not? How can we become a better person in a sea of darkness? Make an adjustment, change something in your lives, and start by doing something for somebody else. How undeniably selfish it is of us to just sit around and complain about our lives, when there are magnificent people out there that are willing to help. You can be that person, that rock, for your friends and family, and make them want to reach up and be better people.

My Inspiration Leads To Initiation

As of late, I've had friends come to me asking for advice, or just spilling their problems to me. I'm not naming any names, but... I was feeling pretty good after the conversations I had with a lot of them. I'd give them the best advice that I could, and then I'd sit waiting for their response, and really, I was just glad that I was able to respond in a positive manner without getting myself  involved in the situation. I mean, sometimes, when people would want advice, and I really didn't care about them, I'd say something stupid like-- "Oh, I'm sorry", when I couldn't find anything smarter to say.

Recently, I've actually sat down and thought about it. If I am busy, I find the time later to do it. I mean... these people are coming to me for help. Isn't that just heartwarming? Knowing somebody out there needs you, or even cares about what you'd have to say in what's going on in their own lives. Even just hearing somebody else's personal problems, that may be too private to share with others makes me a little bit happy inside because I know that they wouldn't just share it with anybody. It is to them, I say thank you for trusting me ,of all people, with your problems.

It inspires me to keep this blog up and running because on here, my readers care about what I have to say, and what's going on in my life. It's pretty amazing what the world can do for you when you try to do so much for the world. (#LawOfAttraction) Even the thought of "I'm going to make a change" has brought me so many blessings, in knowing that there are people out there that support me through it all. The differences in my life have been overwhelming, but with the help of my Heavenly Father, I've been able to overcome them as difficulties, and see them more as opportunities. Thank you, everybody for supporting me through this change.

Even though so much has happened between me and a ton of different people at our school. I plan on just playing it cool, and not acting on anything that happens. After all, what's in the past is in the past. Ever since I made my decision to change for the better, I've been having so many clear thoughts. As clear as day. I know that in the past, I've talked about my loved-ones going and changing on me, but honestly-- I see that I'm starting to change too now. But... I'm initiating my change.