The Difference

Just trying to recover from Penny's death this week, we went to Hastings and got some magazines that just so happened to have one of our dogs in it. Flipping through all the pages I found a page with all the horoscopes on it. Reading the Gemini portion, it told me that I had been thinking about my decision for some time now and that I needed to make my decision on the 18th. Freaked out, I decided I needed to look at what other sources said. This particular one (see picture) told me that I had been thinking about this choice for a while now and that it was time to make my choice. I was totally freaked out at that point. What the heck could it mean? Did it really mean I had to choose whether or not to be single or in a relationship... now? I still felt like I couldn't get it all straight within my mind. But, taking a leap of faith, I decided to try asking Hirschi to be my boyfriend. It was really embarrassing considering I stayed after school just to see him, and yet I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. He could somehow read my mind, and asked if I was trying to ask him to date me. Nervous as all else, I admitted defeat, and then he told me to wait until he asks me, which will probably be sometime next week. So I guess this means-- I'm single for now. But am I okay with getting back into a relationship after just three months? Is three months really enough time to stay single and be on the verge of jumping into something that's becoming serious?

At first, I really just wanted to date around and stay single for a while. Even my friends keep asking "Oh no, Hirschi's blowing me off! He doesn't want to talk to me! Ugh!" I'm not sure if it would be the right thing to jump in if quality time is something that I need in a good relationship. I told him about it, so I think he gets my point. He had no idea that I was mad at him the other day. I don't want to struggle in a relationship with him because honestly, I really like this kid. I get super nervous around him too I trip over my words constantly. During the Summer it didn't effect me as much, but I think that might just be because the information wasn't getting processed that I actually was on a date with the kid. I'm scared now. Would it be okay for me to just fall in love again? But with somebody else?
me if I'm 'still single.' It's probably because they think me and Hirschi should be together. But, there's things that I see that I know I might not be able to deal with. The other day he needed time alone, but I took it as

It honestly didn't help that I was trying to overcome emotions with my poor princess Penny being gone and the constant reminders at school that Dawson has moved on. I'm sick of the death glares from both of them. I feel like they want me dead. It doesn't make sense when Dawson texts me because I feel like he actually wants to be my friend, but then at school he's so different and it's like he doesn't even want to acknowledge my existence. I'll try to socialize with him, but he gives me the glare and talks to me with the voice of "Why are you even talking to me, Bek? I don't even like you." I genuinely don't understand. It's almost as bad as telling somebody-- "Everything you know is wrong." It hurts so much when somebody you thought was your best friend treats you like crap the way he did...
at he's had the nerve to compare me to his new girlfriend, Linsey. It's honestly the most demeaning thing a person can say besides

I feel like everytime he compares us, he's telling me that I was a terrible girlfriend but she's the best that he could ever ask for. It's okay for him to tell somebody that Linsey's the best girlfriend for him, but it's super rude to bring up something that I did that irritated him in the past, and compare it to how Linsey doesn't do it. It hurts, but it shouldn't. Everybody tells me to just stop talking to him, and not be friends with him anymore. But it hurts me so much to even try doing that. When you get so close to somebody like I did with him, it's hard to just drop him. I can't let go, but I continue to try. But the thing is-- I really want to be his friend. But how can I be friends with somebody that everybody knows treats me like I'm nothing? Even Tyler told me: "Delete that scrawny little bit** from your life, he's hurting you, making you feel awful... you don't need that, no one does" In a way, I really do agree with all my friends in that doing that would probably be the right thing to do. But I feel like if I do that, I'd be breaking a promise.

It totally doesn't help that today is Drawkah's would-be 2 year anniversary and that he's trying to text me as I type, but it's so hard for me to just drop him. The Dawson that's comparing me to Linsey right now, is not the one I know, as I said previously in earlier posts Post-Drawkah. How can I just-- betray Dawson like that? It wouldn't be keeping my word-- even after 2 years. My mother always told me that I'm super loyal, and that that's the reason why it's getting so hard for me to just let him go. Me and Daws promised we'd be best friends forever. But, right now it feels like I'm his enemy.

All these horoscopes/fortune cookies keep coming up with all these weird things. Saying things that I need to be emotionally strong, that I need to make a decision that will effect me long-term. But what could the decision be? Will I choose the right one? Will I mess things up? Will it be okay?

Everything Is So Different Now.

But Am I Ready For Difference?