The Difference

Just trying to recover from Penny's death this week, we went to Hastings and got some magazines that just so happened to have one of our dogs in it. Flipping through all the pages I found a page with all the horoscopes on it. Reading the Gemini portion, it told me that I had been thinking about my decision for some time now and that I needed to make my decision on the 18th. Freaked out, I decided I needed to look at what other sources said. This particular one (see picture) told me that I had been thinking about this choice for a while now and that it was time to make my choice. I was totally freaked out at that point. What the heck could it mean? Did it really mean I had to choose whether or not to be single or in a relationship... now? I still felt like I couldn't get it all straight within my mind. But, taking a leap of faith, I decided to try asking Hirschi to be my boyfriend. It was really embarrassing considering I stayed after school just to see him, and yet I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. He could somehow read my mind, and asked if I was trying to ask him to date me. Nervous as all else, I admitted defeat, and then he told me to wait until he asks me, which will probably be sometime next week. So I guess this means-- I'm single for now. But am I okay with getting back into a relationship after just three months? Is three months really enough time to stay single and be on the verge of jumping into something that's becoming serious?

At first, I really just wanted to date around and stay single for a while. Even my friends keep asking "Oh no, Hirschi's blowing me off! He doesn't want to talk to me! Ugh!" I'm not sure if it would be the right thing to jump in if quality time is something that I need in a good relationship. I told him about it, so I think he gets my point. He had no idea that I was mad at him the other day. I don't want to struggle in a relationship with him because honestly, I really like this kid. I get super nervous around him too I trip over my words constantly. During the Summer it didn't effect me as much, but I think that might just be because the information wasn't getting processed that I actually was on a date with the kid. I'm scared now. Would it be okay for me to just fall in love again? But with somebody else?
me if I'm 'still single.' It's probably because they think me and Hirschi should be together. But, there's things that I see that I know I might not be able to deal with. The other day he needed time alone, but I took it as

It honestly didn't help that I was trying to overcome emotions with my poor princess Penny being gone and the constant reminders at school that Dawson has moved on. I'm sick of the death glares from both of them. I feel like they want me dead. It doesn't make sense when Dawson texts me because I feel like he actually wants to be my friend, but then at school he's so different and it's like he doesn't even want to acknowledge my existence. I'll try to socialize with him, but he gives me the glare and talks to me with the voice of "Why are you even talking to me, Bek? I don't even like you." I genuinely don't understand. It's almost as bad as telling somebody-- "Everything you know is wrong." It hurts so much when somebody you thought was your best friend treats you like crap the way he did...
at he's had the nerve to compare me to his new girlfriend, Linsey. It's honestly the most demeaning thing a person can say besides

I feel like everytime he compares us, he's telling me that I was a terrible girlfriend but she's the best that he could ever ask for. It's okay for him to tell somebody that Linsey's the best girlfriend for him, but it's super rude to bring up something that I did that irritated him in the past, and compare it to how Linsey doesn't do it. It hurts, but it shouldn't. Everybody tells me to just stop talking to him, and not be friends with him anymore. But it hurts me so much to even try doing that. When you get so close to somebody like I did with him, it's hard to just drop him. I can't let go, but I continue to try. But the thing is-- I really want to be his friend. But how can I be friends with somebody that everybody knows treats me like I'm nothing? Even Tyler told me: "Delete that scrawny little bit** from your life, he's hurting you, making you feel awful... you don't need that, no one does" In a way, I really do agree with all my friends in that doing that would probably be the right thing to do. But I feel like if I do that, I'd be breaking a promise.

It totally doesn't help that today is Drawkah's would-be 2 year anniversary and that he's trying to text me as I type, but it's so hard for me to just drop him. The Dawson that's comparing me to Linsey right now, is not the one I know, as I said previously in earlier posts Post-Drawkah. How can I just-- betray Dawson like that? It wouldn't be keeping my word-- even after 2 years. My mother always told me that I'm super loyal, and that that's the reason why it's getting so hard for me to just let him go. Me and Daws promised we'd be best friends forever. But, right now it feels like I'm his enemy.

All these horoscopes/fortune cookies keep coming up with all these weird things. Saying things that I need to be emotionally strong, that I need to make a decision that will effect me long-term. But what could the decision be? Will I choose the right one? Will I mess things up? Will it be okay?

Everything Is So Different Now.

But Am I Ready For Difference?

My Little Princess

Turning around the car to pick up an overflowing box to take to Deseret Industries (D.I.), me and my mom discover that my dog, Penny, isn't looking too hot. We say "Penny, you okay, sis?" No response. Panicking, and assuming the worst, I start to pick up Penny... She was so cold... and limp. I panicked, even when I felt her breathing against my chest as I held her close. "We need to go RIGHT now." I say, panicked. Handing her to my mother to feel her, my mom says faintly "I think she's dying." In a complete rush, we went to our car, and drove down to our local vet in Rigby right next to the high-school.

As tears filled my eyes, I texted Jay... the only one who I knew I could count on. He understands completely what Penny means to me. He knows our story together. He knows that this was going to be super hard on me. I panicked, and told him to pray, as I closed my eyes praying for myself latching on tighter to Penny, I repeated my prayer again and again... I knew I could count on Jay. He knew how much she means to me. He was there for me, he was praying with me.
. I prayed for help for her, and if he couldn't save her... for me to be able to cope with losing her.

She's my little princess. She can't go. Bursting into the vet's office, we were served instantaneously even though they were closed, they waited for us to come. In a complete panic, I continued updating Jay. I was so scared. He told me that he'd hug me if he was there. Because I completely trust him, I told him where I was and told him that I needed him because of his complete understanding of how much she means to me. Stuck in the moment, I stayed by Penny's side... giving her what I thought to be her last belly rubs. Me and my mother grew very emotional, considering she's eight years old, half of my age. I couldn't let her go now... I didn't think I was ready to lose my constant companion.

Finding out he was actually coming, I went out and waited for James' comfort. As he pulled up, I walked over to his camo-colored truck, and threw my arms around him and hugged him tight as tears fell down from my eyes. He pulled me closer to comfort me. I kept thanking him, constantly for being there for me. It reminded me of old times, when we would quote what we thought to be our song. "Count on Me" by Bruno Mars, and how it still all rings true. In reality, I didn't actually think he would come because he used to say that he would, and he never ended up being able to... but now that he's actually able to make some of his own decisions... I can see that he really does care. It goes to show how very real our friendship really is. I'm proud to call Jay my best friend, best bro, and my inspiration. I look up to him so much, and even more so considering he dropped everything just to come comfort me.

We went into the vet to go see Penny. Turns out, she even sat up. She was doing so much better, she was breathing okay, and her temperature was finally going up. The vet told my mom he was going to keep her for a while to see what he could do to make her better. Knowing that Cameron was in a drive for Driver's Ed, (right next door) me and Jay decided to wait around for him to show up while my mom went to my grandma's. Jay kept me company, and even stuck around to hang out with me and Cam before he left. You know... because older brothers need to be there for their little sisters, even if we aren't actually related. We talked about random time periods of what happened when, referring to his past relationships like Jat, and Jamlia, and things.

It was nice having Jay and Cam around to help me when I was feeling like crap, even if my dog was doing just fine and in the vet recovering. Jay kept giving me the look like "You and Cam are totes adorbs." It was adorable, honestly. I was actually cheering up, and stopped worrying so much about my poor little princess. Jay eventually left, and me and Cam walked to his apartment talking about our current relationship, me being single, and him wanting me to be his girlfriend still.

Around six, my mom got a call from the vet, while we were on our way to Hastings. Mid-call, she turns to me and says "Penny passed..." Tears filled my eyes, and I started to call Jay. He was in total shock, "Are you seers?" "Yes..." I replied, faintly. After a while of telling him what had actually happened as my mom told me what to say, he told me I didn't seem too torn up about it, and that I sounded fine... and I replied that it was going to hit me in like two seconds. Pulling into the parking lot, I told him that I had to go, and he told me that I could count on him, and we said goodbye.

In Hastings, I tried so hard not to let the emotions get to me, I got my "+" album from Ed Sheeran, we bought some weird Rainbow Dash soda, and two magazines that had one of our poodles that we sold to a band member of the Wanted. (which is totally awesome, btw.) After getting in the car, and listening to the second track on +, entitled "Drunk" I burst out into tears. 

All by myself 

I'm here again 

All by myself 

You know I'll never change 

All by myself 

All by myself

I texted Jay, knowing that he'd understand how I was feeling... He comforted me just by knowing that somebody cared more than anybody else did about me. At that very moment too. Everybody else said stuff like "I'm sorry." and "Oh that's too bad." But Jay dropped everything for me. Isn't that what you'd call a true friend in that situation? He cared. He cared just like she did. I remember sitting at home crying for whatever reason, and Penny would come up to me and lay on her back and expect me to rub her tummy. It always did cheer me up because I knew that she knew that I needed some company. Is it bad to compare someone to your dog? I don't think so...if it's because they feel like family to you. Thank you, Jay. It means the world to me that you helped me when I was in desperate need of somebody who cared and understood as much as you did.

You can count on me like 1 2 3 

I'll be there And I know when I need it 

I can count on you like 4 3 2 

And you'll be there 

Cause that's what friends are supposed to do, oh yeah

Schedules and Self-Reliance

Alright, so since I've gone through my first three days of school now, I thought I'd speak my thoughts about what it's like to be a Junior or just be back in school again.

Being a junior has been super interesting so far. Interesting because I find myself feeling a lot more independent than I was last year. I mean... last year, I felt like I couldn't go ANYWHERE without a friend or a guy of some sort walking me around. This year, I've just done whatever I want to do. At first, I knew I had to figure out what friends were there at what lunch, and what class and what route I had to take to meet whoever I wanted to meet. But, as these past three days have rolled on, I find myself taking a random route, and hanging out with multiple different friends at the high school, and not relying on really any friend to make me happy!


Now... The real question is... Am I happy? Heck to the Yeah! I don't feel "stuck-in-a-rut" like last year, and the year before that, and the year before that. I feel free to do whatever I want, and be myself even when I may be around people that I may dislike. When I'm uncomfortable, I change that. I'm learning how to be more self-reliant. Maybe it doesn't seem like I'm any more self-reliant to those around me, but I'm discovering it more in myself.

Classes... Isn't that what being in school is all about? The pounding questions that you always find asking yourself. Is it going to be hard? Will I have or make any friends? Will I like the teacher? Oh boy, oh boy, that was exactly what was going through my head  as I marched along to each of my classes.

Trigonometry, a classroom that I've actually had before... with a teacher I've had before... but was I going to have any friends? The answer to that lovely question is heck to the yes! As I suspected, I had plenty of-- wait...  no I didn't. I had literally TWO people that were my friends in that class. Anyways.. at least I had somebody! Maddie and Braxton. But Maddie was clear across the room! Oh well.. I always find myself being me in Muir's classroom because she's not afraid to be herself and tease us all! So that class isn't much of a problem. Besides the overwhelming amount of homework.

Advisory, a class that I hoped never came back but came back anyways. I never really saw the point of this class considering that I've always been on top of my school work and been able to keep myself out of trouble. I don't see why the only way we can get kids to stop misbehaving is to reward them for doing what they're supposed to be doing. I mean, I think it's a good idea for the bad kids, but apparently we're going to have assignments in Advisory now... Which I think is totally lame because isn't advisory supposed to be about catching up in your other studies? But no, they give us more school work, and not just school work but BUSY WORK.

Chemistry, a classroom that I had to ask about, and a teacher that I hadn't heard anything about. Naturally, I was nervous as to what I would act like in that class considering my ex and his girlfriend were in that class too. Not knowing if I would have any other friends in that class, I sat behind Dawson considering we were friends, but you know... I got ignored, and felt totally unwelcome. Dane, entering the room, sits by all of us, and is shortly followed by Jared Antis. We check out books and so forth, and by the second day, I knew where to sit because I felt so unwelcomed by the group of people, I sat in the back and Jared came and sat next to me, which he didn't mind because we were sitting next to his other friend, Daniel. Dane, Linsey, and Dawson made their group of three their lab group. Because I had sat by Jared, and his other friend, Daniel, I was included in their lab group too. Trying to be friendly, I'd shoot smiles at anybody who happened to be glancing at me to show that I meant no harm, and that I was just at school to have some fun and further my knowledge.

Chambers, the main class I was worried about because I loved Burrows, and I wasn't sure how Rasmussen would control the class in general. Meanwhile, I had kinda sorta forgotten that Dawson just happened to be in that class too, and that he was wanting to switch out because he's 'not interested in choir anymore.' Worried that that was going to happen, I constantly kept trying to see how he was taking it all in, and digesting that he was in choir, and all of us were having fun. I was trying to make sure that he was in spite of not wanting to lose a member... but I'm not completely sure it worked. I eventually gave up on him by the third day, considering he'd glare at me... But... I made myself happy! Even if it meant that I had to be a little cocky, but hey! Fake it till you make it! I had tons of fun with James, Krista, Madi Dunn, Maddie, and Janae, and everyone else in choir! I had tons and tons of fun in Chambers. Mr Ras is actually a pretty amazing teacher! He still makes choir fun! Even if he doesn't have Burrows' same charm. #StillLovinChoir

US History, another class that I was kind of worried about, but not teacher-wise... grade-wise. I kind of convinced myself that I'm not all that good in History in general, so going into this class I was nervous. Of course, I walk in and I see my friends! We've got Keely, Dakota, Braxton, and Jared! Thank gosh! Finally a class where I can be myself... especially since we've got Keely! Oh man, but my confidence turned to worry quickly. We took a pre-test and I swear, that thing was difficult. I wouldn't be surprised if I got almost every answer wrong. The only question I was super sure of in the entire pre-test was the one that asked when Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue.. 1492! Duh! Anyways, after that pre-test, we ended up getting a seating chart-- a completely RANDOM seating chart. We drew cards! And the cards were randomly distributed across the classroom and your card had to match your desk. So lo and behold, I was separated by pretty much all of my friends. Jared was still on the same side as me, but a while over to where I probably wouldn't be able to catch his attention. Braxton was in the opposite corner trying to get my attention and trying to make me get on my phone and text him. Keely was across from me, but she was 3rd in her row, and I was second. Dakota, was a couple rows over from me but he was in the front, so it was easy to try to communicate with him. As class went on, it was easy to get bored and more bored of all that was happening. Hopefully, I can find a way to make that class more fun for me.

English, a class that I wasn't too worried about considering I love to blog, and blogging is tied in with writing. However, I knew that the teacher was gonna be pretty cool due to the fact that James and Mrs. Cheret are like... best buddies. Friends? Oh heck yes! I knew Linsey, I knew Courtney, and my buddies were Ryan, Tyler, and Kenzyl. Sweet! I actually have some friends in this class. Even after the seating chart, me and Tyler were still right next to each other so I wasn't worried at all! Except for the fact that... I knew that Cheret was not going to like our class. We had jocks that wouldn't shut their faces, and I even let her know that in the letter she had us write to her. I told her that that was my only concern considering they take all the attention off of the subject of English. I've never really gotten along with football players considering they always think they're all that and that everybody loves them and that the class is all about them screwing around and messing with the teacher. Anyways, she tried to separate them as best as she could, but you know... Football players, or at least the ones that are in my class attract attention no matter where they sit and disrupt the class just the same when they're not sitting by each other. Anyways, other than the dumb popular kids, Cheret's class is kind of fun.

Keeping My Friends Close

I honestly love my friends with all my heart. Within the past two weeks, I've had a really awesome party, two awesome sleepovers and time with my chicas. I'd be so lost without them. My friends are the ones who keep my sanity in check. I have to hand it to them for putting up with me through all the crap that I've put them through. But what are friends for? Sure, I put up with their crazy crap, but they're there to put up with mine, But if friends can't handle me at my worst, they don't deserve me at my best. #LoveMyChicas #ThankYouKiley #ThankYouMary #ThankYouGabby #ThankYouSienna #ThankYouTyler #ThankYouKrista

My love life is pretty much complicated. I have to laugh at myself for it though. Me and Sienna always joke about me having the love life of a nun, because lately I just haven't really talked about it with anybody besides James. It's been so weird lately. I mean... I get Cameron asking me to be his girlfriend and yet here I am saying no, and I find myself pushing myself away. Then I get Coleman on my mind and find a way to tell myself whatever... he's so over me anyways. But... there is somebody that's actually interested, but I keep telling myself that he's getting over me too. I'm not sure why though... I mean... it's pretty obvious that he likes me.

I get so insecure when things like this happen. He'll send me a one liner and sometimes I just end up not even responding because I find myself thinking he doesn't even want to talk to me. But hey, it's just a text message. It's not like he actually says it in the tone of voice that I think that he's saying it in. I was sick of it... so I decided to text him last night about it.

Bek: You don't say much...
Cameron: Thats not true
Bek: I mean like... Text-wise
Cameron: Ok that's a little bit true.
Bek: Yeah no offense, but its hard having a conversation with you when I feel like you don't wanna talk to me with some of your responses. 
Cameron: I'm sorry if it's like that. But I do want to talk to you I like talking to you it's just I don't know how to respond.
Bek: Just be yourself =P The one liners are getting to me. 

*At this point, I totally fell asleep and woke up to these texts*

Cameron: I am being myself its just I really like you and sometimes don't know what to say.
Cameron: Hun you still up?
Cameron: Since you're not I want to say good night and I miss you. You've given me a chance with you when I thought I would never get another one. Thank you.

Not knowing what to reply with, I just kind of... smiled at the fact that he still likes me but at the same time, I'm so confused as to what to feel about this thing. I mean... I want to be single right now. I'm so not looking for a relationship, but I find myself stumbling upon someone that might actually be worth keeping around. I know I kind of like him and stuff, but so far it's only been sort of a crush. I'm honestly scared. I don't want to fall for someone right now. Especially since I just got out of a super long relationship. In a way, I feel like I'd be betraying Drawkah... which in a way, I am... but Drawkah is over. I just wish I could accept that it's okay to be with somebody else.

The nightmares are getting to me. I keep dreaming that I'm getting picked on by everybody because I'm not with Dawson anymore. It's so embarrassing waking up to myself wiping tears away. The words echo in my head, random strangers coming up to me saying "I'm soooo glad you're not with Dawson anymore." as they push me to the ground. Hoping to get these dreams out of my head, I started trying to hang out with my friends more. I've been super clingy with them too. Any chance I'm given I've tried to hang out with them. I know that they won't make fun of me Post-Drawkah.

The nightmares aren't just about Drawkah though. I've had nightmares about Cameron too. About him getting super attached and me not knowing how I feel and just everything being so different than it is now. I shouldn't be scared of what I might have with him, I mean... the whole reason I like Cameron is because I feel totally comfortable around him. I hope that isn't changing at all, but if it is, I can't really help that I'm dreaming about that sort of thing.

I'm totally scared going into this new school year. I'm freaked out about what to expect. Am I gonna get totally dissed? I hope I can keep my friends around, and close at that. I don't want to turn into an emotional wreck at school. That's the last thing I need.