Wednesday, March 26, 2014

I Need Thee Every Hour

There I was. Standing tall and singing "I Need Thee Every Hour" in front of our entire congregation while my mom recorded me to send it to my brother. I wasn't as confident as I could have been, and I admit that for me, I made tons of mistakes. To me, this performance was humiliating until I re-watched the recording, realizing that it's actually decent.
I felt the pain that I had been feeling towards not only my Savior, but towards my friends. To my friends, I would love to tell you that I need you all. It's painful when you're not there. During this song, I felt both happy and scared, not because of the crowd, but because I'm not sure how to feel about most of my friends. In the past few days, the friends that have made most of the difference are Krista, Sienna, and Dawson. The only ones I'm completely positive on that actually care.

The other ones have just fallen out of my grasp. Not that they've gone down a different path or that I "hate" them now... but only because they've established something else bigger than me, and when I try to fit myself into the equation, I'm pushed back out because I have no idea what any of them are talking about.

Inside Jokes. They're supposed to be what keeps friends close... right? The problem with inside jokes is that when you use them around people who don't know about the joke, they feel left out. That's how life is right now for me. Getting pushed out of conversations unintentionally just because of my own cluelessness.

Awkward Silences. We normally hate these right? I've found that people who are trying to include themselves back into big groups of friends use these awkward silences to their advantage to sneak in more about what they've been doing lately if nobody's been asking. So, in ways, it can be healthy for many friendships. In my situation, nobody asks, so I'm just waiting for the perfect moment to add myself in.

The two things we all thought were necessary and unnecessary have just been
replaced all along due to the fallout of friendships.
I know see their utter importance.
More than ever.

Every day, I feel alone. If it weren't for Krista, Sienna, and Dawson, I might as well not even come to school anymore, and just drop out. I feel now more than ever that I'm not wanted or needed at all. I don't know what to do anymore, and feel as if nobody cares. What am I supposed to do if they won't let me come back? Just let it happen? 

Then it seems as if I'm losing nearly everybody.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

The Opposite

There I am... sitting by myself alone in my room when I check my Facebook and see that.. nobody really cares enough to make it to my performance tomorrow morning. I'm going to sing I Need Thee Every Hour tomorrow morning at my church, and so I invited the people that I thought would love to come... They all ended up rejecting me in a way, and none of them even came to my party... What have I become?

I thought Friendship was Magic... But it all seems to be just a big joke. I understand that inconveniences may have come up, but none of my friends accepted my request... Shows you how much they actually care. It makes me scared, terrified in fact. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm writing this if I have no friends to actually read it. "inspiring my inspirations?" more like... disappointing my inspirations.

How do I get out of this tight spot? All I can do is think about how lonely I am... I try to make new friendships, but of course they're busy with their own friend-circles. The ones I used to have, have faded off and probably don't even care about me anymore.

I'm a joke. There I was last year, friends with nearly everyone I met... but here I am now... with nobody but my boyfriend. He doesn't even know how much I cry every day... nobody knows. I used to be so happy, but I don't know what happened besides realization setting in.

What do you do when all your friends leave you like that? It's a slap in the face that nobody ever expects. I look up to my "Hope" poster me and Sienna made in June and all I can think of is how nobody ever comes over anymore, and how nobody really cares... I am that girl. That girl that you talk to when nobody else is there to talk to. The embarrassment. The humiliation. The agony of being her.

If only there were some way of leaping out of my pit of despair... Some way I could just stop, but I feel like I'm trapped. Everywhere I go there's constant reminders of how I've failed somebody, and how they've walked out of my life.


Friday, March 21, 2014

Dissed

The good news, I made it into chamber singers! The bad news, I have nobody to share my overwhelming happiness with. As I sit alone in this corner, where the two of us usually sit, I find myself pondering why... he's the only one that hangs with me., or even bothers to try. I get that I have some friends that are happy with me, but it's just not the same. There's always this barrier of awkward, as they tend to bring up inside jokes that I dont know  about. It doesn't seem fair... my ex hangs out with his ex, my friend Julia,  and it just confuses me so much because he looks at her the way he used to look at me. It seems they have a secret love, and jamlia is back intact. To me, none of this makes sense. Whatever happened to them in the past, neither one seems to even phase it.

As I write all of this, I get more and more upset because... He's laughing at me. He was the one that told me to never be afraid and that he would always protect me, and here he is stabbing me in my heart, and also the little pieces that had been pieced back on. He was going to stay in my heart forever, just because he was my first boyfriend... Now I just want to make myself forget, and just pretend Dawson, who's sweet and treats me like a princess, was my first boyfriend. What left is there to do when your ex and your friend diss you like that. I'm not sure what to do anymore...

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

My Heart's Raging Chaos

Waking up, I could definitely tell it was going to be a great day! I even put on my favorite eye-makeup. Afterwards, I receive a text from my man saying "Morning, Bek." From the start, I knew something was up... I said morning back, and then he started expressing his feelings with me basically stating that he didn't really feel loved because of how I was acting the previous day, which was in reality, just a really bad day for me and I couldn't smile that much.. and I wasn't too talkative either. I could sense something was wrong the day before too because on the way to our Algebra class, he wouldn't walk with me, he'd walk with everyone else and talk to everyone else. As he lead on, I began to tear up, and I quickly removed my eye makeup and grabbed a fresh tissue box and proceeded to pull out all of it's contents, and run outside to watch for the bus.  He had told me that Krista suggested that me and him take a break, and that he was going to consider it depending on how I acted that day. Laying on the ground, I cried and even gagged on my tears and nearly choked myself on them. I even coughed up some blood! After seeing all of that, I started to become very frightened and I didn't know what to do.

It was all happening again. Just like all the previous times, and all the other times he proceeded to let me down... Going through my phone, I started looking at all the sweet texts he sent me, and I came across one that said that he promises never to wake up and decide not to love me... I forwarded that message to him to remind him about the promise he had made to me, and to remind him more of the good times we had. Seeing the bus, I stood up and tried to get my act together... at least for the whole time I was in front. Going back, I sat in my seat, pulled down my hood and looked through the window, as people would try to talk to me, I'd pull it down farther to hide my teary face... I thought about all the what-if's about today. What if he slaps me for trying to kiss him today? What if he pushes me away when I try to share my side? What if... I lose him forever? It was all too terrifying. As Kiley comes down the bus aisle, she sits by my side ready to comfort and aide me in my weary state. I told her all about it, except for the bloody part and laying on the ground. I showed her the text message he sent, and how devastated I feel. We continued to hug, and she, being a good friend, asked what I needed, and gave her own opinion on the situation. Getting on the other bus, we started to laugh about just random things as we went along to the high school. Thinking to myself, I realized that I needed to do whatever it took to get him to stay with me.

Waiting outside for a matter of 5 to 7 minutes in the snow, I see him, and I stretch out my arms awaiting a hug and a kiss. He gives me all of that, and as we walk to the school, I try in my head to be as perfect as can be and not to screw it up... Don't screw it up, Bek. Don't screw it up, this could cost you the love of your life. I lost hold. Overwhelmed, I stumbled over to the building with Dawson as my guide, pulling my hood down farther and farther. Everyone was looking, I could tell just by the silence around me. He pulls me aside, and promises not to leave me as I continue to cry and cry and cry. He pats me on the back, and says that he's sorry and he stays with me, and looks at me with comfort and protection in his eyes. Relieved, but overwhelmed, I cling to him, tighter and tighter with every moment that we're together. I wanted to go home, but the only reason I was going to stay is to be with him, and try to actually make it okay for him too. After all, if I went home bawling without him making anything better besides staying with me, I'm sure he'd feel terrible. I stayed... just for him.

As the day went on, the voices in my head, an echo of those that say we won't last repeat and repeat, I tried to keep sane, but I kept getting panic attacks and burying my head in my desk trying to just hide from the world... I wanted to text my mother about it all, but I knew I couldn't because we were at school, and phones weren't allowed. At lunch, Dawson attempted to soothe my fears, and honestly, it worked for a bit. I'd still panic...on and on. I knew I couldn't ride the bus for that reason, and so I stayed after so that my stepfather could pick me up.

I get home, and my mother made me cookies to soothe my emotional wounds, and so I took about 10 of them into my room and stuffed them into my face until he contacted me.... He asks if I wanted to play Minecraft, and I practically jump at the thought. I get on my computer, and call him up, and try to fake it until I make it. Acting silly together usually heals Drawkah up anyways! As time went on, me and Dawson grew closer and closer. Something as simple as that is mending us back together, and showing me that he cares and that it's going to be okay. If we continue to just... be ourselves with each other, things will get better.

I just feel like right now Dawson is the balance between me and Chaos.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Top 3 Band Picks

Alright, I know this post is late, but it's time for February's special blog post! We had ONE voter, so give props to Sienna Wareham for giving us the special blogpost's topic.

Top 3 Bands That I Adore

1. Maroon 5: The Kings of Music, Your Argument is Invalid
I know that all of you saw this coming, but here it goes. Maroon 5 is the best band there ever was and ever will be. From songs like She Will Be Loved and Back at Your Door to songs like Misery and Love Somebody, Maroon 5 is a total classic hit, and those who hate them probably don't know that they're the artists that did those popular songs.

2. Coldplay: Phenomenal, Emotional, and Inspirational
Coldplay has always been one of my favorite bands from the moment I started liking music. When my sister, Rachel, was going through cancer, me and my brother came together through Coldplay. Their inspirational lyrics and critical lesson in each song was just perfection in it of itself. My favorite song by Coldplay would have to be Viva la Vida just because of it's sentimentality, and the one that's gotten me through the toughest of times is Us Against the World. It reminds me of the special message that the world can be cruel, but even with true love, you can defeat it without even worrying about the troubles that surround us. 

3. The Lighthouse and The Whaler: Soothing and Relaxing
 The Lighthouse and The Whaler, a band that's loved by few, is one of the only artists that I can enjoy while doing my homework. Listening to this band has improved my life a ton as it has many songs with long instrumental breaks that are just filled with time to think about what's actually happening in the song. It's beautiful how well they plane things out in the songs without always having to sing it out to the recipient.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

To All That Say We Won't Last

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without him. But then I realize... I've already gone through that. Honestly, I can never see myself going back to that life. During that life, I was stuck in some sort of fake happiness as I thought I knew what love was with another man. After meeting Dawson, I knew we had some sort of special connection. People sometimes ask me: Are you willing to settle for less than your true partner? simply because they choose to believe that Dawson and I are most likely going to break up in the future, and that nothing lasts forever. They believe that someday I really will meet someone that will be a greater and a bigger love than him. To this, I say, You simply don't know him like I do.

I've taken time to talk to my parents about what they felt like in love. My mother and step-father are what I would call best friends. As I've observed their relationship, I've learned many things that having a temporary boyfriend probably wouldn't be able to teach me, along with the relationship my mother and my own father had. Seeing my father and my mother go through all sorts of relationships, I made my own list about what qualities were going to be perfect for me. My mother would always tell me all the amazing and the somewhat embarrassing things that would happen when she dated around looking for her second marriage, and I always learned from her mistakes when it came down to it. Dawson is my best friend, just like my mother and my step-father. I can rely on Dawson and tell him anything, and he will always be there to help cheer me up in any circumstance.

To all that say that I don't have enough experience, I say that yes, I have experienced heartbreak, something very crucial in picking ones' true love. Lacking experience is the least of my problems. Watching each of my parents go dating several more times as I tag along on some of the dates, my mother and father taught me the ins and outs of dating, aka what to do and what not to do. Even though I'm not even 16, I've seen what guys are like on dates, and I've taken what I like and dislike in mind.

To all that say you're too young to feel true love, I ask a question in return, so I'm not to love? I love my parents, I love my friends, and I love quite a lot of things. Saying that I'm too young is like saying a child is not to say I love you mommy, until the "proper" age. Think about it, we all have crushes, don't we? If I were to tell you, in return, that you're too young to feel true love, it would make you want to feel true love sooner than not, right? As a somewhat rebellious teenager, I would agree with that statement of wanting things right now, but you simply don't know him like I do.

To all that said: Never date a non-member, what about the missionaries? My religion preaches about our responsibility on this Earth to spread the gospel to everyone, no matter what their circumstances. I prefer not to judge someone based on their religious practices, but I was able to help this wonderful man grab hold of the gospel in his life once again after being inactive for a few years. Today, he goes to church just like everyone else, but his family stays at home. He wants to get married in the temple someday, and he longs to see his father once again, as his parents got sealed in the temple right before his father's death. He knows that heavenly father will prepare a way for him to see his father once again, and me helping and guiding him back to the gospel has helped him through the darkness that was cloaked around him. If I never dated Dawson, he might have not been reached out to, and would've remained shrouded in darkness and depression. In a way, we're all missionaries, aren't we? We should all spread the gospel that we know and love to those who need it in their lives. We should all share our testimonies and not be afraid of what others think of our religion because it's what we believe individually and as a group that will save us. You never know, you just might be inspiring those around you by standing up for what you believe in.

To all that say: You marry who you date, I see that to be the truth, but here's the thing. I honestly do want to marry Dawson, so why would that in any way stop me from dating him, if I cannot find anything wrong with him? Even though many may say that I don't have enough experience, that i'm too young to feel true love, to never date a non-member, and that I ultimately marry who I date, I'm totally fine with him, and there's no reason to break up with him. If you have a problem with our relationship, To all that say, Dawson and Bek need to break up, I say in reply, you don't know us that well then.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Stress Has Caught Up

Spoiler Alert: I want to give up.

All this homework, all these finals... ALL THIS STRESS. It gets to me, and I never thought High School could be so hard. I know that during the trimester, all that's really going through my head is oh my gosh, this is so easy! But when the end of the trimester comes, I scream for help and nobody comes to my aid. Oodles and Oodles of homework is shoved into my face, and then I lose my weekend. This weekend flew past like it was nothing, the entirety of the weekend I was working on homework, and right now I wouldn't even know if I'm done with it all because well... I give up! That's as good as it's going to get, because I'd love to see the teacher's reaction when they see me falling asleep in their class. "But she's such a good kid." They'll say. Exactly. I'd love to get revenge on every teacher in our school, but the problem is... I just... I...can't. Striving to get a perfect grade in High School...is too much for me. The only class I don't have an A in right now is Algebra (i've got an A-), and I'm sure that it won't get better, even though I would love it to. Going into Finals week is honestly hard. Mostly because I know that the next trimester's got much harder things in store. Goodbye, Life. Hello, Stress. I'm not even sure I have time to myself anymore... I'm so backed up with my relaxation time that I don't know what I'll do...

I won't give up on this blog, and I will say this... there won't be a giant blast of posts soon, but there will be more than there has been in February because I'm just stressed because of Testing and big assignments...like a research paper and a certain choir concert and a biology test to study for.

Have some happiness though. (AKA MARCH'S COVER)