Waking up, I could definitely tell it was going to be a great day! I even put on my favorite eye-makeup. Afterwards, I receive a text from my man saying "Morning, Bek." From the start, I knew something was up... I said morning back, and then he started expressing his feelings with me basically stating that he didn't really feel loved because of how I was acting the previous day, which was in reality, just a really bad day for me and I couldn't smile that much.. and I wasn't too talkative either. I could sense something was wrong the day before too because on the way to our Algebra class, he wouldn't walk with me, he'd walk with everyone else and talk to everyone else. As he lead on, I began to tear up, and I quickly removed my eye makeup and grabbed a fresh tissue box and proceeded to pull out all of it's contents, and run outside to watch for the bus. He had told me that Krista suggested that me and him take a break, and that he was going to consider it depending on how I acted that day. Laying on the ground, I cried and even gagged on my tears and nearly choked myself on them. I even coughed up some blood! After seeing all of that, I started to become very frightened and I didn't know what to do.
It was all happening again. Just like all the previous times, and all the other times he proceeded to let me down... Going through my phone, I started looking at all the sweet texts he sent me, and I came across one that said that he promises never to wake up and decide not to love me... I forwarded that message to him to remind him about the promise he had made to me, and to remind him more of the good times we had. Seeing the bus, I stood up and tried to get my act together... at least for the whole time I was in front. Going back, I sat in my seat, pulled down my hood and looked through the window, as people would try to talk to me, I'd pull it down farther to hide my teary face... I thought about all the what-if's about today. What if he slaps me for trying to kiss him today? What if he pushes me away when I try to share my side? What if... I lose him forever? It was all too terrifying. As Kiley comes down the bus aisle, she sits by my side ready to comfort and aide me in my weary state. I told her all about it, except for the bloody part and laying on the ground. I showed her the text message he sent, and how devastated I feel. We continued to hug, and she, being a good friend, asked what I needed, and gave her own opinion on the situation. Getting on the other bus, we started to laugh about just random things as we went along to the high school. Thinking to myself, I realized that I needed to do whatever it took to get him to stay with me.
Waiting outside for a matter of 5 to 7 minutes in the snow, I see him, and I stretch out my arms awaiting a hug and a kiss. He gives me all of that, and as we walk to the school, I try in my head to be as perfect as can be and not to screw it up... Don't screw it up, Bek. Don't screw it up, this could cost you the love of your life. I lost hold. Overwhelmed, I stumbled over to the building with Dawson as my guide, pulling my hood down farther and farther. Everyone was looking, I could tell just by the silence around me. He pulls me aside, and promises not to leave me as I continue to cry and cry and cry. He pats me on the back, and says that he's sorry and he stays with me, and looks at me with comfort and protection in his eyes. Relieved, but overwhelmed, I cling to him, tighter and tighter with every moment that we're together. I wanted to go home, but the only reason I was going to stay is to be with him, and try to actually make it okay for him too. After all, if I went home bawling without him making anything better besides staying with me, I'm sure he'd feel terrible. I stayed... just for him.
As the day went on, the voices in my head, an echo of those that say we won't last repeat and repeat, I tried to keep sane, but I kept getting panic attacks and burying my head in my desk trying to just hide from the world... I wanted to text my mother about it all, but I knew I couldn't because we were at school, and phones weren't allowed. At lunch, Dawson attempted to soothe my fears, and honestly, it worked for a bit. I'd still panic...on and on. I knew I couldn't ride the bus for that reason, and so I stayed after so that my stepfather could pick me up.
I get home, and my mother made me cookies to soothe my emotional wounds, and so I took about 10 of them into my room and stuffed them into my face until he contacted me.... He asks if I wanted to play Minecraft, and I practically jump at the thought. I get on my computer, and call him up, and try to fake it until I make it. Acting silly together usually heals Drawkah up anyways! As time went on, me and Dawson grew closer and closer. Something as simple as that is mending us back together, and showing me that he cares and that it's going to be okay. If we continue to just... be ourselves with each other, things will get better.
I just feel like right now Dawson is the balance between me and Chaos.
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