I Need Thee Every Hour

There I was. Standing tall and singing "I Need Thee Every Hour" in front of our entire congregation while my mom recorded me to send it to my brother. I wasn't as confident as I could have been, and I admit that for me, I made tons of mistakes. To me, this performance was humiliating until I re-watched the recording, realizing that it's actually decent.

I felt the pain that I had been feeling towards not only my Savior, but towards my friends. To my friends, I would love to tell you that I need you all. It's painful when you're not there. During this song, I felt both happy and scared, not because of the crowd, but because I'm not sure how to feel about most of my friends. In the past few days, the friends that have made most of the difference are Krista, Sienna, and Dawson. The only ones I'm completely positive on that actually care.

The other ones have just fallen out of my grasp. Not that they've gone down a different path or that I "hate" them now... but only because they've established something else bigger than me, and when I try to fit myself into the equation, I'm pushed back out because I have no idea what any of them are talking about.

Inside Jokes. They're supposed to be what keeps friends close... right? The problem with inside jokes is that when you use them around people who don't know about the joke, they feel left out. That's how life is right now for me. Getting pushed out of conversations unintentionally just because of my own cluelessness.

Awkward Silences. We normally hate these right? I've found that people who are trying to include themselves back into big groups of friends use these awkward silences to their advantage to sneak in more about what they've been doing lately if nobody's been asking. So, in ways, it can be healthy for many friendships. In my situation, nobody asks, so I'm just waiting for the perfect moment to add myself in.

The two things we all thought were necessary and unnecessary have just been
replaced all along due to the fallout of friendships.
I know see their utter importance.
More than ever.

Every day, I feel alone. If it weren't for Krista, Sienna, and Dawson, I might as well not even come to school anymore, and just drop out. I feel now more than ever that I'm not wanted or needed at all. I don't know what to do anymore, and feel as if nobody cares. What am I supposed to do if they won't let me come back? Just let it happen? 

Then it seems as if I'm losing nearly everybody.