Recovering My Recovery

Since that last accident, I have become more prone to damaging my self-image. I seem to have forgotten all of that "I am Diamonds" stuff from "Turn Around, Bright Eyes" last year. Instead of urging myself on to recovery, I've been looking at how I haven't recovered yet after months of being injured from these car accidents.

I miss my life before those car accidents. Quite honestly, I took it all for granted. One second you can live your life the way you want it, and the next you're having to go to the chiropractor three times a week. Amidst all of this chaos, I've forgotten what drives me. The Law of Attraction.

If I believe I can recover, I will recover. However, if I concentrate on how I'm not making progress recovering, it will stay that way. I haven't been myself at all for the past month. I stopped caring so much about school, so every class I went to was really boring. I made up excuses as to why I couldn't go to church, mutual, or even hang out with friends. All because I felt like crap and wasn't recovering.

I haven't been getting any better, and that has tricked my mind into thinking that I'm not recovering. If I believe that I am, I will. I guess it's kind of like a fake it until you make it kind of thing. But since I haven't been able to recover, I had been damaging my self-image by believing that I am weak and incapable and inadequate.

Tuesday, it got out of hand. I went outside while it was raining for some peace and quiet so I could kneel down and pray about how I felt. I asked Heavenly Father to help me not feel so inadequate. Anything would do at that point. Getting up off of my knees, I went inside and laid down on my bed. While laying there, I remembered my friend Tyler.

Earlier that day, Tyler had noticed that I looked upset and so we went to Broulim's and bought a bunch of candy and sat in my driveway and talked about what was bothering me. She cared, and that meant a lot. Then, I remembered that Rachel was going to come pick me up for mutual. She cared enough that she wanted me to come. I wasn't too inadequate to be friends with these wonderful girls.

I got off my bed and went upstairs, ready to greet Rachel, for whenever she showed up at my house. I got in the car and we all laughed and had a great time at mutual. Afterwards, Rachel came over to my house and we watched Corpse Bride. It meant a lot that she actually wanted to spend time with me, even at my worst.

After Rachel left, I went downstairs to read my scriptures, and throughout my scripture study I was reminded that God always cares about us, no matter the circumstance. We are not inadequate. Not to God. With that knowledge, God is on my side and there's nothing that I can't recover from with his help.

Multi-Mode

As many of my regular readers know, this second car accident was very hard on me, emotionally as well as physically. In my previous post, I mentioned how I lost all of my senses and wasn't really feeling anything. Lately, it's been kind of the same, but at the same time not at all similar.

Being with my best friend, Jared, makes me happier than ever. Whenever I'm talking to him, or even near him, I'm as happy as can be. Everything he says and does with me is always so kind, so it's kind of impossible to be upset with him. The same goes for a lot of my other close friends that are usually upbeat and happy. On the other hand, I often get a little bit of short-tempered with some of my other friends or people I know when they do little things that bother me. I bring this up because it's been happening more frequently since this recent accident.

I hate to blame things on my car accidents, but quite frankly, I've been more closed off emotionally since then. It's harder to share things with my friends because I don't know if they actually care or not. It's hard for me to trust people in my life when so many have been liars and hypocrites. I end up even questioning the most loyal of friends that wouldn't mean to do a thing to hurt me. I'm scared that I'll let my guard down and get hurt again. I should be able to trust my own judgment in choosing the right friends and hoping that we can maintain healthy friendships. I don't know what I'd do without my close friend's concern and help.

Sometimes, I don't know how I feel. I often find myself sitting around, emotionless. I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm just here. Right now, I need to be able to confide in my closest friends and open up to them so that they can help me move on with my life. I understand that some of my readers couldn't care less about this problem. It probably doesn't even make sense to the lot of you, and that's okay. If there's one thing I want you all to take from this entry, it's that people don't have just one mode.

I hate to say it, but people are two-faced. Everyone has all sorts of different sides and modes. People have a sad mode, a happy mode, a mode that they show to their boyfriend or girlfriend, a mode that they show with their family, and a lot more. Going through this recovery process has revealed to me that I have a lot of modes, too. Right now, I am very closed-off.

There are some things that I want to share with people, but I just don't know how to put my feelings into words. This sounds silly because this is a blog post about how I feel, but there are just some things that I can't talk about on here or rather things that would be best if I didn't bring them up. Some things I just need to talk to a person about. And that's what friends are for. I don't expect all of my friends to come running up to me to ask me what's wrong. I expect just that my friends treat me as they always have, with respect and kindness. I need nothing more than what they already give me, love.