Day One: Withdrawal

All I know about his whereabouts is that... he had a nightmare last night at 2 a.m. When I woke up around 3 a.m, and checked my phone i asked him to tell me about it, and I haven't gotten a reply ever since... and it's 3:26 p.m.! At times like these, I question myself. Is he at his home just being tired? Or is he at his home just being tired of me?

Of course this is an obvious question, no! Sure he might be asleep right now, but most likely he's either gotten his phone (and all other tech) taken... (again) or he just needs to be left alone. Even though the answer is simple, I find myself wanting to scream out in rampage and wonder why! I mean... I already miss him even though it's just the first day of Summer vacation... but I just wish... i just wish somebody would tell me what's going on. Of course, I don't mean to be that controlling girlfriend wondering where he is at all times, and what's going on in his life, but all I ask from him right now is an answer to let me know that he's alright.

I doubt I'm going to get this 'answer' anytime soon... but hey! For all I know, he could be driving somewhere, or at work (because he never tells me when he's at work), or who knows what! This might even be a good thing! I know I can go a long time without talking to him, but gosh dang this sucks! Why does this all have to be so hard?

For The Summer

Goodbye highschool, goodbye drama... Goodbye Mr. Burrows, Goodbye my fellow students, and goodbye to my most wonderful group of friends. I look forward so much to hanging out with all of them later this Summer, but it still sucks that I won't be able to see them every single day like I do at school. It's amazing what we all can take for granted as we're at school. With deep though I've been able to realize that all those assignments that help us work our way up to the final help us, all our teachers do care whether we pass or not, and our true friends will be there for us no matter what.

Through random things this month like my birthday, and my first two dates, I've had my ups and downs throughout it all... The thing that I'll miss the most? Having somebody to look up to. I know that to some, I may be the inspiration, but... now I've lost all the students/teachers that I look up to the most. Mr. Burrows is gone, Cade Davie, Mariah Harper, Jacee Wright, and all of my other fantabulous seniors are all gone. But on the bright side, I still have those wonderful beautiful people that I can look to that are there right by my side... like Sienna Wareham and Dawson Hammond. Those two really care, and a lot more care about me as well. Those two care about me 24/7, whether or not they think I'm dead from laughing to hard, or from a broken heart.

I have a feeling that this Summer is going to be simply fantastic! I'm very very excited for getting to go swimming, and hanging out with my friends, and seeing some of the new movies that are coming out that look good. Even tonight I'm going out to hang with my friends Tyler Anderson and Sienna Wareham. =D Aren't they just the best? They're taking me out to fast food, and we're gonna go watch a film at Paramount. (we don't know which one yet) I'm so excited! Tonight's gonna be so much fun!

For the Summer, life will come to a screeching halt. But at the same time, we will still be moving.. just very slow because we'll be having too much fun to grow up like we ought to. Isn't Summer amazing? Isn't Summer exciting? <3 Have an amazing Summer, my little inspirations <3 Do What You Desire!

Who's To Say What Love Is?

Throughout life, we always hit lows and highs. Since I've probably hit one of my all time lows, I've been very sad, depressed, and even suicidal at times. But you know who's been there through all of it? Dawson. He's constantly here for me, he's supporting every decision for me that leads me down the right path, and makes it so that I may have a brighter future ahead. He makes me smile, giggle, and overall, he makes me happy. 

Lately, people have been trying to tear us apart because it's not right to have a boyfriend at 16, and so I'm supposed to drop him and date other guys. My personal problem with this is-- I don't want anybody else. I'm not even interested in trying, so what's the point? Why drag me away from my happiness? If anything, I need him more than ever right now. I know that they are just trying to tease me about all of this, but Dawson is much much more than just a boyfriend to me. Dawson is my best-friend, and even my soul-mate. I, personally, have never been as happy as I am when I'm with him.

Why should I try the other flavors of ice-cream when my favorite flavor is right in front of me, and just looking at the other flavors makes me sick, and uninterested. In two days, Dawson and I will have hit our 20th month anniversary. 4 months away from our 2 year anniversary. Can I just say that time flies when you're in love?

Adults constantly laugh at me, and tell me that I don't know what love is. Who's to say what it is anyways? To me, this is the highest form of happiness. Isn't that all that matters? Isn't that what love is? Putting others before you put yourself? Through everything, he supports me, and helps me through everything. He's always concerned, and I know for a fact that I return that favor. I've never cared so much about somebody who isn't family. 

Love is all about giving high frequencies of happiness to other people, so that it may bless their lives and make them happy, and make you happy overall, as those blessings will travel from person to person and eventually come back to you. And the best part, it starts with you. Not what that other person. I leave you with this... Give love. Sure, at times it is a challenge, but when you give love, you will receive love.

Losing My Mind

Every day I come home and wonder how I'm doing, and how I can improve myself for the day to come... Lately, I've come home and have been, overall, confused about my own emotions, about whether I'm depressed or overjoyed. So much has been going on that it's hard to tell the two apart sometimes. I may be crying about how incredibly blessed I am, or else I may be crying about how hard life is.

I can't keep carrying the weight of this heavy world on my shoulders. It's time to take a chill pill. But what must I do to just... relax? I've taken Dawson out of my life after school, but yet... it's just made things worse, which basically leads me to believe that everybody's still wrong about him. Dawson's the sweetest guy I've ever come across, he's my soul-mate. As a teenager, adults constantly tell me about how we shouldn't be stressing about anything, and that they wish high-school would just last longer. But for me, right now, I personally can say that I'm having a rough time coping with everyday life.

The Savior and my Heavenly Father have definitely been helping, but honestly, it doesn't help when friends and family all are having a hard time, and also are needing my help, when I, myself, am having a hard time lifting myself up, and motivating myself. What more can I do other than to serve them and pray that things may get better? Life for nearly everyone it seems has gotten significantly worse. And what am I doing?  I'm crying about myself and how I don't know what to do for friends who are also feeling down in the dumps.

It's time to calm down, and it's time to sit down and just vent. That's what this blog is for, right? Life has been so overwhelming lately with almost all the aspects of what makes teens stress. From time management to social life and family to grades I've had it to my limit, and am losing my mind. What do I even want to do in my life? The only goal I have set for my life right now is to finish up high school, go to BYU-I and then marry my high school sweetheart, but... can I even survive the task at hand?

Being an inspiration to me, means that I need to be able to be there for others when they need me most. In the past, I've been able to say that with pride, but right now I'm not even sure. All of my inspirations have been getting more and more different, and I can honestly say that I've lost respect for many. Being an inspiration is standing up for what you believe in and love the most, and I feel like I've fallen back into my old shy ways, and mainly just going with whatever comes.

I miss the old me, and I've been trying to get the old Bek back. Is that so wrong? Improving oneself is harder than it looks or feels, and I almost feel like I need to just... restart. What can you do when you've tried almost everything to cheer yourself up and get your eustress back instead of your distress? The answer is sincere prayer to our Heavenly Father. With sincere prayer to our Heavenly Father, many of our problems seem to simply disappear, especially when we thank him for all of the blessings that he has given us. But sometimes that isn't enough... Sometimes, all we need is a friend.