I honestly love my friends with all my heart. Within the past two weeks, I've had a really awesome party, two awesome sleepovers and time with my chicas. I'd be so lost without them. My friends are the ones who keep my sanity in check. I have to hand it to them for putting up with me through all the crap that I've put them through. But what are friends for? Sure, I put up with their crazy crap, but they're there to put up with mine, But if friends can't handle me at my worst, they don't deserve me at my best. #LoveMyChicas #ThankYouKiley #ThankYouMary #ThankYouGabby #ThankYouSienna #ThankYouTyler #ThankYouKrista
My love life is pretty much complicated. I have to laugh at myself for it though. Me and Sienna always joke about me having the love life of a nun, because lately I just haven't really talked about it with anybody besides James. It's been so weird lately. I mean... I get Cameron asking me to be his girlfriend and yet here I am saying no, and I find myself pushing myself away. Then I get Coleman on my mind and find a way to tell myself whatever... he's so over me anyways. But... there is somebody that's actually interested, but I keep telling myself that he's getting over me too. I'm not sure why though... I mean... it's pretty obvious that he likes me.
I get so insecure when things like this happen. He'll send me a one liner and sometimes I just end up not even responding because I find myself thinking he doesn't even want to talk to me. But hey, it's just a text message. It's not like he actually says it in the tone of voice that I think that he's saying it in. I was sick of it... so I decided to text him last night about it.
Bek: You don't say much...
Cameron: Thats not true
Bek: I mean like... Text-wise
Cameron: Ok that's a little bit true.
Bek: Yeah no offense, but its hard having a conversation with you when I feel like you don't wanna talk to me with some of your responses.
Cameron: I'm sorry if it's like that. But I do want to talk to you I like talking to you it's just I don't know how to respond.
Bek: Just be yourself =P The one liners are getting to me.
*At this point, I totally fell asleep and woke up to these texts*
Cameron: I am being myself its just I really like you and sometimes don't know what to say.
Cameron: Hun you still up?
Cameron: Since you're not I want to say good night and I miss you. You've given me a chance with you when I thought I would never get another one. Thank you.
Not knowing what to reply with, I just kind of... smiled at the fact that he still likes me but at the same time, I'm so confused as to what to feel about this thing. I mean... I want to be single right now. I'm so not looking for a relationship, but I find myself stumbling upon someone that might actually be worth keeping around. I know I kind of like him and stuff, but so far it's only been sort of a crush. I'm honestly scared. I don't want to fall for someone right now. Especially since I just got out of a super long relationship. In a way, I feel like I'd be betraying Drawkah... which in a way, I am... but Drawkah is over. I just wish I could accept that it's okay to be with somebody else.
The nightmares are getting to me. I keep dreaming that I'm getting picked on by everybody because I'm not with Dawson anymore. It's so embarrassing waking up to myself wiping tears away. The words echo in my head, random strangers coming up to me saying "I'm soooo glad you're not with Dawson anymore." as they push me to the ground. Hoping to get these dreams out of my head, I started trying to hang out with my friends more. I've been super clingy with them too. Any chance I'm given I've tried to hang out with them. I know that they won't make fun of me Post-Drawkah.
The nightmares aren't just about Drawkah though. I've had nightmares about Cameron too. About him getting super attached and me not knowing how I feel and just everything being so different than it is now. I shouldn't be scared of what I might have with him, I mean... the whole reason I like Cameron is because I feel totally comfortable around him. I hope that isn't changing at all, but if it is, I can't really help that I'm dreaming about that sort of thing.
I'm totally scared going into this new school year. I'm freaked out about what to expect. Am I gonna get totally dissed? I hope I can keep my friends around, and close at that. I don't want to turn into an emotional wreck at school. That's the last thing I need.
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