It was getting hard, and that's when I realized, it was now July 1st, I smiled and thought to myself, calm down...it's a new day. Maybe he might call...just maybe. I layed down, leaving my window that was now foggy because I had been breathing on it with the tears in my eyes. With the playlist still blasting in my ears, the song "Vanilla Twilight" pops up, and I start to sing along faintly. The playlist goes by another 2 times, and 2 hours pass, when I finally fall asleep. I wake up, and I'm still listening to the playlist. I cry a little bit more, and then I get up, and do the other things that I need to do.
Later, I started to talk to James on my Skype. He was sad, and it was obvious with the little things he'd add in his messages. It was about Jamlia, James and Julia, the couple that needed a little help. I told James that he's not obsessed, he's dedicated, and that it's amazing to be dedicated. We somehow got deeper into the subject, and talked a little bit about marriage. It was something that we both kind of regretted talking about back in the day, but it was one of those things that I knew was going to be brought up once again. Right then he said things like "I know that sure, it seems awkward to talk about it, now that we're both with someone else...and now that we're both so dedicated to those that we are with. And the fact that we both love our boyfriend/girlfriends to death." But then I replied with "James. Sometimes...Sometimes I don't want to love him, and I beat myself up for it. I wonder why I stay sometimes. He's great and all, but he's hurt me so much." He understood, and told me that it reminded him of his relationship and how Julia wonders why James stays. He said he got down the the point, along with a conclusion that he wasn't worthy of her. Then I say to him: "Questrion is-- Is she worthy of you? Can you look at her, and say that she's everything you've ever wanted in a girl? What you need to do, is take traits of the things you like in a girl, from past experience, and put it all in one. The girl with the most of those qualities combined, is the girl of your dreams." His jaw drops in awe of my excellent explanation of his situation and what to think and do. He said that she is a combination of those qualities that he likes, and so I told him to stay.
James and I continue skyping, and change the subject a little as we go along. The next thing we talked about was understanding. He had said that he understands why he had to go through some of the trials that he did, and I had told him this: "I finally understand why we went through that long Summer of no communication, I understand now the importance of my sister's cancer, and my parent's divorce.
I understand what I can try to pull out of the Mandi situation. I can understand Drawkah's problems...some of them. Right now, I deserve all the pain and heart break, because he's going to be that guy that's super sweet and head over heels for, but also the guy that was a dirtbag. We all need that pain because if we don't endure that pain, we won't come to a conclusion of what love is to us. We won't find what we like, and dislike. It's all so important, even though we may not like it... Everything has a reason." Going back a little to our Jamlia conversation, I tell James: "James, I know that you're dedicated enough to the point where you feel like you want to marry her... but there's a ton of girls out there. I'm not saying that you need to dump her, but what I'm trying to say right now is that your heart hasn't been beaten enough to where you know you've found pure happiness, and the definition of love. Stay...go through all of those trials, and endure what you can, because you're also making or breaking the image that she has of you right now. You're seeing how dedicated you are, you're seeing if this is it for you, and you've found where you belong. Right now, we say that we love someone because our hearts haven't been completely beaten enough to form the heart that could become our love. Right now, our hearts are being shaped, and broken, and fixed, and shaping into something that can love with even more power than what we started with. However, there comes a time when a person has to let go...but that should only occur when you know that person isn't the one for you. Going through a breakup, you should also thank your former partner because they helped shape your heart, and they can take the traits they liked and disliked, and put it into their vision of the perfect partner. Please think over my words, Jay."
Shortly after, when I was helping Nikecia clean our house, I hear "Boyfriend" by BTR go off on my phone. I stand there for a little bit, look at my phone and whisper. It's Dawson. I give everyone the look of oh my gosh what do I do? Then I realize if I didn't pick up soon enough, it would take Dawson to voicemail. I pick up with a simple "Hi." I realized I was sweating really bad, and pacing, and I tried to say things, but I just couldn't figure out how. Dawson told me the information I really needed to hear: All he's been doing is drawing ponies. Just kidding, that's not the information I really needed to hear. The information that Dawson gave me was that he's been reading my blog whenever he can. Freaking out, I stay kind of silent because I still couldn't manage any words. Around 7 or 8 minutes of talking, Dawson and I try to make subtle plans for hanging out on Independence Day, which I'm super excited for because I might run into Dawson. Of course there's still hope for Drawkah. It's just...I'm still shattered after all that has happened to me because of simple mistakes that Drawkah has made. It's hard, but I'm ready for a new start.
"Lil" Shout-Out of the Day:
James: Remember what I told you, and act on it. Write it down if you have to because I guarantee in the long run it's going to help. When you're broken down in tears, you can look at it. I hope that it gives you both comfort and knowledge. Love you, Jay.
"Epic" Song of the Day: Vanilla Twilight by Owl City
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