Move Along

So I've started actually packing today. I discovered that the only days I would have to pack to leave the house are the days leading up to my Coldplay concert on the 31st, so until then, I'll be packing up my room to leave this place. It's really weird. I've only had to pack up and move a handful of times before this.

The first was when I had to move to my dad's apartment in Rexburg. I didn't take very many of my things because I wasn't given any time at all. Instead, we shopped at D.I. for the clothes I needed. I was only in 3rd grade, so it wasn't too much of a big deal to get up and leave like that. However, this was my first time moving out, so I was very homesick and missed my first home.

The second time was when me and my brother went up to live with my mom for the Summer in Utah. We didn't know it would just be for a Summer, but my mom bought a house and we stayed up there with her over the Summer. I remember bringing two or three boxes with me to Utah. In that house, me and my brother never really had actual mattresses. We slept on inflatable mattresses that we had to blow up every night because my mom didn't want them out during the day.When we lived there, my sister was still really sick and that's part of the reason why we had to move back to Idaho. She was having some serious mental issues.

The third time we moved was when me and my brother went back to my dad's, I brought only a handful of things with me and left some of my stuff with my mother because I figured I would continue to live there off and on. At this time, my dad had started to date other women and found somebody he liked. He then married her, and we had to move out into an actual house.

The fourth time we moved was to this big pink house, it was one of my favorite places to live just because downstairs there was a little door that me and my little kid friends would go into to play. I kept all my stuffed animals and books down there. It was truly my happy place, and where I would go to get away. My barbies were the only toys I kept upstairs in my room. I had a big doll house in there along with all my hand-me-down barbie dolls. That was definitely one of my favorite toys back then.

The fifth time we moved was out of my mother's house in Utah and into an even bigger home, still in Utah. This house is the biggest home I have ever lived in, and yet I enjoyed it the least. I was starting to get sick in this house. My mom would never pay attention to me because she was off dating guys on motorcycles and such, so me and my siblings would stay home. I got an ear infection, and even though I'd cry about it almost non-stop because of the pain I was in, I kept getting ignored. I was miserable. I just wanted to go to the doctor. Desperately. Finally my mom noticed how much pain I was in and took me to the doctor to clean out my ear infection. Things started to look up from there. I started to enjoy the house a lot more. The coolest thing about that house was the basement because I got my own room, there was an X-Men arcade game, and a GIANT flat-screen TV. It was so big that it took up the entire wall. Me and my brother would stay up late and watch it until we fell asleep on the couch.

The sixth time we moved out was when my dad got a divorce with his 2nd wife, and we moved into a new complex. I briefly lived here, considering I usually would house-jump during school time so I could go to Rigby. I would jump from my grandma's house to my cousin's, and back to my neighbor's house. I was very welcome at each home, but it never felt the same as my little home in Grant. I remember feeling very very homesick in this apartment.

Finally, I was able to move back to my real home in Grant. I missed this house so much, and I haven't left it for years. To move out is very bittersweet. I'll be leaving behind a great home. One that I've spent most of my life loving and missing. To move out will be a new adventure, and will mark my ninth time moving, but this time I won't be moving in with family. I'll move in with strangers. I'll still have all of my family nearby, but this is a big step for me. Especially considering how much I love to live here in Grant with my mom. I'll be coming back to this house eventually, so it's not like I'm leaving it forever. I won't even be gone for a year. Just a couple semesters, and I'll be back home, but never permanently.

Play By Faith

So I'm going through some boxes, thinking of what to bring with me and what not to bring with me. In reality, it probably doesn't matter much what I bring since my parents only live 30 minutes away and my brother even less. Jordan and his wife said that they're thinking of making me a spare key so that I can come over and chill with them whenever I'd like. I'm so glad to be a part of the family. It's a big deal to me when they invite me to spend time with them, and they always make me feel welcome. And without realizing it, I do the same for them.

Not only do they accept me for who I am, but they love my significant other as well. What I thought was going to be a sibling night with my brother and his wife turned into me, my brother, his wife, Jared, my step-sister, and her boyfriend. They make Jared into more than a boyfriend, they make him a part of our family too. Jordan and Christen are honestly relationship goals.

In my head I try to form the perks to moving out, and quite honestly, living at home sounds a little more appealing, considering I'm more introverted than extroverted. Moving out and getting to live with 5 strangers is kind of a big step out of my comfort zone. However, if I never try, I'll never know what it's like to live on my own out here. If I absolutely can't stand it, then I'll move back to Rigby and drive up to campus when I need. I think that it'll be a change that I think I can get used to.

At Institute last night we were playing volleyball, and when our team made the comment that we couldn't see well because the sun was in our eyes, one of our teammates said to "play by faith." That comment really resonated with me. It's weird, but after he said that, all of us started getting better. I know that he was probably being silly when he said it, but in life that's kind of what we need to do. As long as we "play by faith," everything will be okay and will start getting better than it did without it.

Lesson Learned: Everything is well played when played by faith.

Self-Evaluation Time! I need to be better at playing by faith, and trusting that everything will work itself out. I'm the person who thinks everything needs to planned to death so that we can get it right, but now I find myself with a bit of a lack of faith when it comes to planning these events and them working out. I worry, worry, worry and worry more that something will go wrong and I won't be prepared for something, but as long as I play by faith, everything will work out. No more worrying about adjusting to college life. I've got God on my side. For me, that's enough for me to play it by faith.

See You In Three?

So I finally got a job. It's kind of, sort of related to the blog, so I might as well mention it. I'm officially a website designer! I get paid $150-200 depending on complexity. If it's a complex project then I charge $20 and hour. Here are some of my projects:

idahojewelspoodles.com
redcarpetdoodles.com
sterlingbrookdoodles.com

Finally, something that I like to do added with actually getting paid and being able to pay for my own education. I already know I'm going to be a starving college student up on campus. Hopefully I'll get some help from my mother. Hopefully I get enough customers to help me through my first year of college.

In other news, my makeshift closet collapsed/broke and I have nowhere to put my clothes. That makes me kind of excited to move out because I'll have a real closet! I'm just hoping that I end up with a real closet here at my mom's before it's time for me to move out.

Adulting is hard so far. You kids who are going back to school this month are kind of lucky. Maybe I'll like it more when I start getting the hang of it. Schoolwise, I may be more lucky. I have classes from around 8 to 2 every day and then I get to spend the rest of the day how I'd like. Probably doing laundry or something, but the difference is: I have to pay for everything.

On the bright side, I have a free class in Rigby every Thursday night. I'll still be coming to Rigby for Institute. I'll carpool with my friends. Maybe I can set up some other day where I can come home to spend time with my mom and switch out some of my clothes on some other day of the week. I should probably set up some times to hang out with my boyfriend before he leaves on his mission, too.

Rachel moved last week, which was pretty sad for me. She gave Jared and I some feathers because she's a hunter, but man. She hasn't been gone very long and I miss her a ton. We keep telling each other, 3 years maximum until we're all together again because of her and Jared's missions. I'll probably go visit Rachel during an off-semester up in Tennessee when she's off her mission, and I'll help her move back up to Idaho when it's time for her to go back to college.

College is going to be tough. I'm going up there with hardly any friends. The friends I do have won't even be roommates or sharing a major with me or even having the same semester-track. Hopefully I'll be good at making friends up there.

Lately I've been having some self-esteem problems. In the back of my head, I feel like somebody started a rumor or something about me because I went to go see one of my choir friends open up their mission call, and everybody there except for that friend, ignored me and wouldn't talk to me at all. I thought that these choir people were my friends. But now that we're graduated, it doesn't seem to matter. I don't seem to matter to them. I don't know what's going on, all I can do is try to stay positive, despite the fallen friendships I may have. All I can say is that I know where some of my friends' loyalties lie.

Disowned, But Accepted By Other Family

All things considered, the past few days have kind of been a downer overall. To sum it up, my sister pretty much disowned me. Long story short, she hates that I'm still a Mormon and that I refuse to back down from my religion. I'm just lucky that my brother went through the same thing a few months ago so that I've got somebody that I can relate to.

I went to go hang out with Kiley the other day, and boy did we have fun. We hit up the mall and bought all sorts of stuff from Hot Topic and Bath and Body Works and I got myself a few things that I had been looking for-- in both college and fandoms. We talked a couple of things out considering what I had been through and that was nice. I needed that girl-shopping time.

After hanging out with Kiley, I went to pick up Jared and we went to my last From The Heart choir meeting. We recorded all of our songs and Jared was in the back sleeping through it, or at least trying to. Overall From The Heart choir was pretty great, and I'd do it again, so long as I'm not doing it on my off-semester because it consists of 30 minute drives to and from Rexburg every Thursday and every Sunday. I won't be going to it this Fall, but I might consider joining it again, come Winter semester.

When we were finally done recording, I shoved Jared awake and we went over to my brother's house to talk about what had happened. We were going to go see a movie together as kind of a double-date, but this quickly became more important to all of us. I showed my brother my phone and he and his wife read the conversation, giving commentary about the flaws of it all. They were also clearly frustrated that she had said these things to me. Again, very personal so I won't get too much into it.

After talking about feelings about our lost sister who believes differently than we do, we made waffle-sticks and just talking and joking about different things to take our minds off of what had happened a day previous. I love hanging out with the "Phillips" family (Jordan and Christen) because they make me feel so included and loved and not looked down on-- at all! Even Jared had tons of fun with us, and he's not even a real part of our family yet. Just a close boyfriend/best friend.

The next few days were pretty hard. I wanted to be completely alone, but at the same time I was lonely and needed a couple of my friends that doubled as family. As a result, I ended up hunting Pokemon with Rachel Lau (We're Team Instinct) and hanging out with Jared a ton. By a ton, I mean four nights in a row. He even bought me food a couple of times.

Family, to me, has brought on a whole new meaning. To me, family means never abandoning each other and loving each other unconditionally. My ideal family member would always be available to talk to no matter the problem. You can tell family anything. You are able to share your hopes and dreams without their judgmental opinions. To me, family may tease you but they'll always have your back and will always be proud of you and your accomplishments.

Some friends are just family because that's just how it is. I may say that Jared isn't a real part of our family yet, but he really is. He fits all the qualifications except for relation, and he can become family if we ever get married. As for Rachel Lau, she fits a lot of the qualifications. Even though she teases Jared and I a lot, we know that she loves us and is proud of our accomplishments. These two are so close to me that they're family.

Overall, everyone on Earth is related somehow. But we can determine for ourselves whether or not we want to be a family together. That's where agency comes in. My sister, Rachel Trueman who "loves me dearly" decided she didn't want to be my sister anymore. I, in return, have decided that Rachel Lau and Jared Antis are close enough to be considered family, along with many of my other close friends. In all truthfulness, I know that the best family I can rely on right now is my Heavenly Father because he's the one that will be with me through it all, so long as I keep faith in him and acknowledge his works in our lives.

Family accepts me for who I am. And for that, I am grateful.

What Counts?

Hey friends!

I've signed up for all of my classes and I've got a car all to myself that I inherited from my dad's side of the family. It's our old family car that we've had since I was five years old. It's pretty cool that I get to drive it nowadays. Also, my keyboard showed up for my surface. So far, it's working pretty well and I love the color. It's bright blue and I couldn't be more pleased with it. I'm thinking about getting a wireless mouse for it when I head up to college. It might be easier that way rather than having a mouse pad.

My recent concern has been-- what friends am I taking with me into these college years? Recently, one of my guy friends reached out to me and said that he was going to BYU-I this fall! I referred him to my building of course because he was still apartment hunting, and it sounds like we may or may not be hanging out more come this fall, if we're in the same building and all. Of course the main point of moving out on your own is to make new friends. Especially as a brand new incoming freshman.

Another problem has been the Dress Code for this school. I'm finding more and more that I don't have the proper wardrobe going into college. I've gone to Walmart, Plato's Closet, and Runway to find a couple new outfits for college because what I have won't suffice for what's up ahead. Apparently I'm not allowed to wear T-shirts up on Campus. So that's kind of a problem seeing as T-Shirts are basically the only thing I own. So I bought a bunch of long-skirts and a couple of dressy/button-up shirts and I need some longer dresses for college, too. The biggest temptation has been all these cool T-shirts I've found while shopping for clothes that match my dress code. Or finding good dressy shirts that aren't exactly modest. Thank goodness for shrugs and undershirts and other modest adaptations to what would otherwise be qualified as immodest.

My friend Rachel, who's moving in a couple weeks (SAD!), told me that I should invest in buying a ring so that I don't get hit on as much in college, so I might just get a cheap little ring to put on one of my fingers to reduce the amount of potential flirts who are faulty ring-checkers. It'd be preferred to get a silver band with a green emerald as the stone. Dating will be a trial up on campus. Especially with a boyfriend leaving on a mission soon. Up until he leaves, I can't accept anybody who asks me out. Not that I'd be remotely interested with him still being here anyways. Any dating opportunities I want to give to first and primarily Jared. He works a ton, so he's hardly free, so my Saturdays, (if and when I'm free) we'll have to hang out.

Institute, on the other hand, has been very nice despite not having Jared there with us. I've continued to stay close to my friends from RHS, and been able to keep that Seminary-esque atmosphere. For anybody thinking about Institute, there is no question. Institute is amazing. If there's anything that will anchor you in this wonderful LDS church and build you up to be a spiritual giant, it's this class. With rotating instructors, we learn more and get multiple testimonies with each and every meeting. It's not just about all the things you've learned about in Sunday School. This class builds on prior knowledge and helps you to learn a million more new things! I completely recommend this class for anybody who wants to get more out of their Wednesday nights.

On another note, road trips have also been a thing. I drove my dad to Hailey, Idaho the other day for a business trip and also drove to Ogden, Utah with my mom yesterday. I've come to really like road trips because they help you to really get to know the person you're traveling with. So it's been a blessing to drive with both of my parents on these trips. I got to open up to them and talk and listen to all sorts of music. Thanks mom and dad.

Speaking of family, my brother, his wife, and I have gotten pretty good at going to the temple on a regular basis. We go multiple times a month! I really love the way that building makes me feel inside. I forget myself when I'm in the temple and it becomes about whoever I'm doing baptisms for. I really feel their presence and the veil becomes thin in the temple. It truly is a house of learning and realization. I always leave the temple feeling happy and peaceful. I look forward to the day when I get to be sealed to my eternal companion there.

With all of these experiences, it's easy to lose sight of what's really counts but I've found that as long as you're continually centering yourself in what's really important, you're sure to win. Sunday, I was the only one who got up in time to go to church. So I went by myself. Normally, I would just go back to bed after seeing that nobody else was up, or if I really felt like I needed the sacrament that day, I'd text a friend and ask if they could come pick me up. But no. I came just by myself. It was a little lonely at first, but as soon as the meetings started I felt the presence of the spirit with me because that's what counts. 

What really counts in your life? For me, it's been this gospel, family, my education, temple visits and quality relationships.

Who is She?

The lack of a keyboard for my new laptop shouldn't stop me from at least posting once this month. I'm sorry for the lack of posting in May, but there was so much going on.

I'm finally an adult and I have wanted to get some things off of my chest. Especially seeing as this is my public-diary. I try not to hide things from you guys. I make sure that it's never intentional if I do.

I was never the cool girl in school. I was never popular or most likely to succeed or anything like that. In fact, I think I was more of a girl to sit back and be forgotten. I wouldn't be surprised how many people saw me walk across the stage at graduation and thought to themselves "who is she?"

Do we often find ourselves asking that? Have you thought to look at somebody else and imagine what they could possibly be going through? Do we even care at the very thought? Well, my future profession requires that I care about each and every persons feelings. I should be considering their back stories and how they came to where they are in life now.

Did I do my job in highschool? To an extent. I tried my best to reach out to those I felt needed my help. I learned so much and hurt myself in the process of that learning. That's why I'm going to college. I need to learn how to actually apply past to present behavior and how to help these people better. I want to be a therapist when I grow up. And if I can't do that, then I want to be one heck of a mother that can apply that degree to that job in life just as well. I want to be taken more seriously and I think that this degree that I'm walking towards is a big step towards that.

Now, thinking in the present, I feel like I haven't prepared enough for college. Like I don't feel ready at all. But in hindsight, I've already prepared quite a lot. I signed on an apartment in Rexburg, signed up for English 101 and Math 108, and got a car to call my own.

I'm still without a job. I haven't had much luck. I tried to get a job at this animal shelter, but it's been weeks since I've been in and they still haven't contacted me. However, I do have an on and off job as a house keeper. I worked just yesterday $10 an hour for 3 hours on this one house in Rigby with 3 of my family members. It was exhausting work to sanitize their home but it got me money to my name!

Summer has been exhausting so far. Emotionally, I feel like I'm losing friend after friend. However I feel like some friendships are remaining just as pure as before. This transition has been kind of hard on me so far, but I still feel like I have a few people I can go to for help or just to help brighten my day. Thanks for sticking around. You're real pals.

Physically, I feel exhausted this Summer as well. As stated earlier I worked on sanitizing a house yesterday and it was exhausting. We bleached nearly the entire home and afterward I just wanted to shove an entire pizza in my body. But the thing is... I'm on a diet. I'm on the diet mostly because I'm trying to support my mom in losing weight, but I could lose a few pounds myself too. It's really hard to just eat the same meals for lunch and dinner for 23 days straight.

Anyways. My love life. (Even though I try not to talk on it on here anymore.) It got a little rough around Prom. But we worked things out and prayed and talked with our bishops again and everything seemed to be alright. Since then we've just been growing closer and closer emotionally. We keep talking about the future of our relationship and where it may take us. And to be perfectly honest, I'm so excited. And more than anything, I'm proud to be with such an amazing guy. Seeing him grow has been such a great experience and I hope that I will be able to mature enough to be the kind of woman he wants in his life for time and all eternity.

With all of that said I think we're caught up on the basics of the past two months. Hopefully there will be more regularly posted soon.

Keep reaching out and inspire your inspirations.

Diving, Trusting, Strengthening

I knew it would be hard. This adulthood thing. That's why I decided to take my first dive into the pool of my future. I told my mom about two weeks ago that I wanted to go into the DMV to take my written test. I had been studying for it for months... years, even. I knew that I could do it, I just was scared of what might come from it, getting a little wet. Being expected to take the entire plunge.

The next thing I knew, I had dipped my toe in the water by taking the written test and getting 100% of the questions I was given correct. I wanted to take my driving test immediately after that, so I aimed for the next day at 7 pm. Once I passed that, I wanted to come in and pick up my license the very next day. That same day, I went up to Rexburg with my brother to audition for a choir up on campus called "From the Heart." Little did I know, that this would house some of the most spiritual learning experiences I've endured in a choral experience.

I made it into "From the Heart," as an Alto II. It was a little odd jumping all the way down from Soprano I/0 in Troylairs and Chamber Singers to From the Heart Choir, but I think I'm starting to like where I am as a musician. Callbacks on Saturday were interesting, as I beat out multiple college students who were looking to find their place in the choir, as our rehearsal was that Sunday. I didn't expect to make it into this choir full of college students. I don't know if it was just because I didn't feel like I measured up, or if it was because of my age, but I made it regardless of any of the doubts I had about myself.

I've learned a lot about myself this past week. Some of it I already knew because of my friends, family, and church leaders telling me that I could do, but I can do anything, so much as I dip my toes into the water and wade into adulthood, in a way that I'll be comfortable to dive in deeper. Leaving my childhood behind isn't easy. I've had to put away a lot of my old habits, and start doing more things that'll make me a better person all together. We should never stop improving though, so I guess that's a really good thing, regardless.

There's always going to be the things and the people that I'll love unconditionally. I won't get into what trials I've been enduring lately, but I will say that I love my gospel, and I would never forsake my God just to please somebody else who loves me very much. He is my Heavenly Father, and I trust in him to direct my paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6) I trust that he has given me the abilities that I need to use in this life, and has provided a way for me to attain the other abilities I will need. It's all thanks to my Heavenly Father that I've made it as far as I have.

For those who ask why I'm so happy all the time, it's because I try not to acknowledge the devils and demons that are hanging on my back every single day of my life. Believe me, I have things going on. I choose to ignore the temptations and the bad things that they whisper in my ear. Sometimes, they weaken me when I have my guard let down, but that's what my friends and church leaders here on Earth are for. We're all here to help strengthen each other. Whether I have little or a lot of Satan's force on me, I know that I can rely on my gospel to help me not to stoop to his level, with the help of my friends and family of course.

So far, my understanding of adulthood has been this: things don't get easier. In fact they get harder and harder, but the point of life is to be happy and let your trials strengthen you, rather than ruin you. You've been given lemons, are you going to make lemonade, or are you going to let life squirt you in the face with lemon juice?

You've Always Got The Memories

I thought I knew and learned a bunch walking into third trimester, about myself, of course. But wow. I'm learning so much and it's just the first week. I've learned tons about myself and what it takes to have faith and take that big step of finding my own power in a world of give and take. Life in it of itself is super challenging and it's not going to get any easier for me, or anybody else for that matter. I'll meet people along the way that will make the journey more bearable, but I know that Satan will never stop trying to make me fail.

It's hard seeing old friends slip away from you, especially when they've been there with you all along. You end up growing out of each other or parting ways in general. It gets a little too much. But it'll be all okay because there is one who will have your back at all times and in all places. Heavenly Father has our back. You don't have to be afraid when he's the one who's in control of what's happening, aside from other's free agency. I've learned a ton this week about that. 

Looking back it's really hard seeing who I've lost, who I've forgotten, and who I'm going to have to say goodbye to. However, I know that God will be there to hold my hand as long as I'm willing to take that first step forward. I've got those friends that promise to be there for a lifetime, and I promise to do the same for them, too. But in an eternal perspective, it's more important to be with him. I've had so many friends who have promised to be there always, even when times get tough, but time and time again our friendship has broken apart. 

People may say that I've just got trust issues when it comes to that, but I've learned a thing or two about losing people and I've got the blog posts to testify of that. Looking at my parents is also a pretty good example of showing that we won't have the same friends as we grow older. There's a few that stick around if you're lucky, but it's never the same once you get out of high school and especially when you get out of college and start settling down. 

Whether it be in your memories, your friendship, or your companionship, hold onto me. Hold onto the lessons we've learned together. Hold onto the good times we've shared. Hold onto everything we had then and now. These are the times we'll look back on and think about how if we did the slightest thing different, we could've ended up in a different place. Please remember, you're not alone. You've always got your memories.

Change. It's Inevitable.

Wow. 2nd Trimester is finally coming to a close. Do you know what that means? That was officially my last full high school trimester since us Seniors leave a little bit earlier than everybody else. I officially, as of today, have 90 days until I graduate. This school year has actually been kind of difficult emotionally, but I swear I wouldn't have been able to get through it if it wasn't for my true friends who stuck it through with me and let me help them out when they needed support. There were several times that I felt that I couldn't come to anybody for the help I needed, but a hand full of my friends were there for when I just needed to talk to somebody about something.

I know that on this blog I talk about friendships a lot, but it's one of those things that everybody can relate to unless they've been stabbed in the back multiple times by their "best friend." Well, I have news for you all. It gets better from where you are. Even though me and the rest of Class of 2016 are graduating and leaving each other, we're about to find new people, strengthen the friendships we already have, and figure out what life is really about. We think we have a general idea of what it might be like, but I guess you never really know until you jump in and do it.

Life is about to get super difficult. A lot of my friends will leave on their missions and I'll be attending BYU-Idaho with a couple of my friends that I have now. I'll be writing my missionaries, fulfilling whatever callings I end up with, and trying to get along with my roommates up on BYU-Idaho's campus. Everything's going to change, and that's inevitable. The best thing to do in this situation is look forward to it rather than try to push it away like I've been doing. While I've been pushing my future away in my mind, I've been making it so hard to adjust and become comfortable with the very idea of leaving home... or even getting my driver's license. (Yeah... I've had my permit for 3 years.)

As I transition from high school to college I need to strengthen the bonds that are most important. Namely, I need to strengthen my bonds with my Heavenly Father, my family, my missionaries, those that I consider my best friends, and my supporters. As I transition, this blog will too. I've grown up so much since I first started this blog back when I was a Freshman. Now, I'm a lot older and I know a lot more about life and what's important. As I go through that transition, I'll definitely have to look back and consider all of the lessons I've learned throughout high school about what's really important. I'll be relearning a lot of lessons, I'm sure. However, this blog will turn from a dinky little high school blog to a coping college student's blog.

Thank you all for reading and sticking with me throughout this blog's lifespan. I know that it may be in a lot of your interests to stop reading, but I urge you to continue learning with me and my mistakes that I've made in the past. If you haven't gotten anything out of reading my blog over the years, I'm sorry for wasting your time. If you have gotten something, then I've achieved my goal. I hope that you've felt inspired to read on.

Hotline Bek

Right when life is seemingly perfect, Satan knocks everybody down while they're caught off guard. Luckily, I've been able to recover quite well after having those car accidents. Satan's made it abundantly clear that he wants me and my friends away from each other and more importantly, the church. As much as he's pulling and pulling, I won't let him take me away. I've seen what letting go does to people and I won't let that happen to me.

If this post offends anyone, I'm truly sorry but I just feel the need to convey my feelings on how worried I really am for those around me. It's sad when I'm feeling cheerful and everyone else around me is miserable because they've got Satan on their backs begging them to be sad. I don't know what else I can do to help my friends. It's like I offer my sincere help but it just gets refused. I'm not sure what else I can do.

In the past, this has been the Lord's way of telling me to break off friendships before I get pulled down a wrong path. However, this is nearly all of my closest friends. The friends that I've gotten to really know and understand and love amidst their trials and hardships. As I said in the post just before this, friends are there for it all. But if they won't let you be there for them, there's no way to even help them.

There's a fine line between complaining about how much your life sucks to somebody and asking for help. If I can help in any way, I'd love to. Everybody seems to be going through rough times. Everybody seems to be losing sleep over their own stress. The most I can say to all my readers is to lose yourself in serving others and forgetting your own problems.

Once Upon A Time, They Were Best Friends

My mom has been giving me the same bit of relationship advice ever since she got engaged to my step-dad: "Marry your best friend."

Now I'm not saying that I'm getting married right now, but yeah. I'm looking forward to that future. Everybody needs a friend though and who better to marry once all the young-adult hormones have gone away? A best friend is the ideal person to grow older with because if you can never get tired of each other and you can continue to make each other laugh, it sounds like a great relationship to be in.

You always see stuff like this in the movies too. Usually the best guy friend that's always there for the girl in the movie, ends up getting her by the end of the film by this same idea: marry your best friend.

Many times throughout the lifespan of this blog, I've defined what a best friend is. Well, I'm about to do it again. A best friend is somebody that you won't tire of (at least not easily) and is somebody that you can make up with easily and joke around with. Best friends should be there through it all rather than just talking about themselves and nothing else.

I'm not trying to make this post a show-off of me and my boyfriend and how we fell in love when we were originally just friends, but we're actually a pretty good example of this concept. We've rarely had problems for the 4 months that we've been together and out of those problems, we can't remember any and if we've been hurt, we make it a point to fix it immediately so that we don't have to see our best friend suffer. It's fun being in a relationship like this because you can mess with each other, hang out, and talk about things that boyfriend and girlfriend don't typically talk about.

Basically, I love the relationship that I'm in and I'm excited for the future that may come as a result of the choices we've made now. We'll see what happens when all's said and done. Typically, my best-friendships don't last forever but I'm hoping this guy sticks around regardless of if we stay in a relationship or not. So much so that we've agreed to always be there for each other even if things don't work out the way that we expect. I intend to keep that promise because that's what best friends do.

Temporary Benefits Don't Last Forever

Sometimes it's easy to push our friends aside for goals that we're trying to accomplish. But most of the times the people that want to help you accomplish the goals that are really that important to you are the ones that you're pushing aside. I'm sad to say that I've been one to push other people aside when something is going on in my life that I need to accomplish when those who are trying to help are getting pushed away. Anyway, you shouldn't do that.

Even though we're in the stage where we'll all moving on with our lives, it's still important to keep some close friends around through this transition. You don't exactly have to be going in the same directions, but it's always important to feel like somebody's got your back. Have you ever been unfairly pushed away by somebody that was in a transition phase with their own life? How many times have those people come back to talk to you later in life? Not very often right? It's very easy to lose touch after high school from what I've heard.

Keeping your friends around may increase your stress levels because now you're not only carrying your decisions on your shoulders, but you're also trying to comfort your friends in their decision making. Maybe it's just me that has this problem, but I've felt that at times it might be easier to just sit back and not deal with anybody. But then again... it's nice to keep those friends around because real friends help and support you. If you're not supporting anybody, who'll support you? In the long run, it's great to keep your friends around because having friends decreases your stress levels.

Long story short, it's never okay to abandon a friend unless you're both going to be better off with each other and that's a mutual agreement. It may benefit you right now to do that, but it won't be any good for your future. Friends care. If you don't care, then you're not a friend.

Get A Grip, Future Girl

It's that time. It's the time that I need to move on. To grow up. To spread my wings and fly flat on my face!

As you can probably guess from the picture on this post, I recently got accepted to Brigham Young University-Idaho. A few months ago, I also got accepted to Idaho State University. Now's the time that I need to buckle down and choose. Where do I want to spend my college life? BYU-I or ISU?

In the end, it doesn't really matter where I get my degree. As long as I get a degree, that's all that actually matters. However, I'm spending years at whatever college I go to. This decision should count for something. And it will.

But wow. My life will be flipped upside down once May comes around and I graduate. I'll be spending life somewhere other than here in little Rigby. Growing up is hard, but I know that I'll get a grip on it sometime an come to terms with my inevitable future.

The important part of this all is that the people who actually care will stick with me through all of these transitions and hardships. The people who don't care will eventually fade out, like they always do.

Life is a constant cycle of people coming in and out of your life. Nobody is guaranteed to stay inside your life. The tide of fate could pull them away at any point. Life could pull them in a different direction than they thought they were going. For example, I have this really good friend: Krista. She thought she was going to go to BYU-I and then become a nurse. You want to know what she's going to do now? She's a future sailor for the US Navy! Her field? Electronics... See? Complete opposite direction. Unexpected, too.

Even though now we may say that we love something dearly and that we'll never let go, have we in the past? Think back five years. Where did you think that you'd be now back in 2011? Are those same people that you said you wouldn't let go of still around? For me, those people are gone. It was all a part of life though. I chose the direction my waves would roll, and those people around me that I thought were so important have been washed out of my life. Others are still there, but just not as close as they were five years ago.

Nothing is permanent. It's really hard to determine where you'll be five years from now. Especially when you're out of school. You're basically thinking through all of the possible decisions that you're making within the next five years and predicting the outcome. That's easily over a million decisions. A lot of those decisions could affect you greatly on where you'll end up.

So think... Where do you really see yourself in five years? Will your friends that you have now continue to be there by your side or can you see them fading away? What can you do to be better now so that your life in five years is even better?

Let Down Your Anchor

It's another new year. And with that, everything's going to change again. I'll lose more people. A lot more people, now that I'll be graduating this Spring. It's amazing seeing myself grow up though. It's especially easy to see through this blog. I'm so glad that I got inspired to start this thing up because it's helped me to see my growth and to grow even more than I have. Not only does it help me, I've heard that it's helped out some of my friends and they've heard something that they've needed to because of my blog.

2016 is going to be the biggest turning point in this blog's lifespan. The transition from high school to college will be recorded right here. It could be hard. It could be exciting. We'll see. But there are certain things and people in my life that I can rely on to be consistent through it all. If I anchor my life in those areas, I'm sure that I can't go wrong and that this can be another good year full of growth and accomplishments.

So what's happening this year in my life? Well, I'm going to participate in the Mixed All-State Choir this February, my brother's getting married this April, I'm graduating from high school, and my best friend (boyfriend) leaves on his mission. I'm super excited and well.. scared for it all, but I'm sure that everything will turn out fantastically this year and that I'll be going in the direction that the Lord want's me to.

My New Year's Resolutions: 

Scripture Study Every Day: to keep me anchored in the gospel to keep me steady through these transitions.
Talk to a Family Member Every Day: to keep me anchored in my family and keep me steady and involved with the people who care through these transitions.
Be More Considerate: to my friends, family, and fellow students because sometimes you don't know what somebody might be going through.
Come to Terms With Growing Up: to basically be okay with moving out and going to college and getting a job and other adult-stuff.

Distracted? More Like Emotional Interference.

The worst possible feeling is being sad and not being able to tell anybody why or what they can do to help you be happier overall.  For all I know, they're probably going through the same thing. Maybe a lot of my friends are sad and aren't telling people. The main thing that you can't expect your friends to be on top of is your own happiness.

I wish I could tell people, but I just can't. It's tragic and most of all, private. The most I can do is distract myself from whatever it is. Even though the topic keeps coming up in everyday conversation. Or at least factors that effect the issue. Few people have even noticed that I'm growing more and more depressed. I plaster on that fake-smile and it's gone. As easy as that. Or else I just act as if nothing's the matter.

They tell you to fake it until you make it, but sometimes that can get exhausting. Usually, when I get home, I distract myself  by sitting alone with Facebook, video games, and homework. Whatever can get me not to think about what's on my mind, I'll do it.

Serenaded

Wow. Just wow. I've had my doubts and frustrations about Jared and I's love story, but now I can see that it was all worth it looking back on it. I'm just so glad that we both love each other the same now. So much so that he wrote me a song explaining our entire love story and how we got together and sang it to me as he held both of my hands and stared deep into my eyes.

Could I ever find a man so loving and adoring as Jared? I don't think I've ever been loved this much before. If only I could show you guys how happy we were in that moment. Jared was nervous out of my mind, but I was just falling more and more in love with him as he continued to sing to me. I was shocked. Completely. Ask Krista. She was there. I wish she would've recorded it all.

Later, in fourth hour, I find myself sitting there humming the tune in my head remembering all the different parts of the song, and spacing out and forgetting the equations and formulas that I needed for the test I was taking. I was just so happy because I felt loved and cared for and it gave me hope for the future.

Maybe he could be the last boyfriend I ever have, ya know? I guess it depends on the future's events and how things work out and whether or not I screw things up. I really want this to last though, but I'm willing to suffer a little bit for my future happiness.

Living in Thankfulness

Sometimes we tend to take for granted the blessings that we have in our day to day lives. This past week was Thanksgiving and helped me reflect a little more on that. On the 25th (the day before Thanksgiving,) I invited Tyler over to watch this documentary with me. It's called "Living on One Dollar." These boys go to live in Guatemala for around 8 months and live on one dollar a day. It's interesting trying to get a perspective on what these people living in poverty have to go through every day of their lives.

Everyday, we've taken for granted wonderful blessings such as: health, food, water, shelter, and where has that gotten us? Instead of being thankful for what we have, we end up complaining for what we don't have. Yet the people in poverty have all of the right to be sad and depressed and complaining, but since they have little, they expect little. But since we have much, we expect much.

Going into this Christmas season, I challenge you all not to take what you learned from Thanksgiving and forget it, but actually apply it to your lives. What are you truly thankful for in your life? If it's somebody you know, tell them! If it's an item, try to live a day without it like the boys in Guatemala did.

Trials Turn Into Blessings

Hey guys! I can't believe I've had this blog up and running for 3 years now! My anniversary of my first post will be on the 9th, but I felt inspired to give this special post a little early.

Life is hard no matter what you do. We all go through trials, regardless of whether or not we are doing the right things. Even good people get punished. However, trials can turn into blessings later in life. I've learned this lesson time and time again in my life and want to pass on this message.

Bad things happen to good people, but that doesn't mean that God loves you any less. If anything these trials that turn out to be blessings are a way of God keeping you on the right path.

If it weren't for these trials, I would be a lot less grateful for the life that I've been given.
I've come so far and there's no way that I'd be willing to stop now based on the trials and lessons I've learned because of them. I'm grateful for the trials that I've overcome and wouldn't give them up for anything.

I challenge you all to make a list of all the trials that you've overcome that turned out to be blessings for your future.

Here's mine in Trial --> Blessing Form

Parent's Divorce --> Closer Relationship with Dad
Sister's Cancer --> Quality Time with Dad and Brother with Scriptures, Testimony
Loss of Best Friends --> They Don't Drag Me Down a Wrong Path
Dumped --> Room For A Better And New Man In My Life
Car Accidents --> Greater Appreciation For Life

Recovering My Recovery

Since that last accident, I have become more prone to damaging my self-image. I seem to have forgotten all of that "I am Diamonds" stuff from "Turn Around, Bright Eyes" last year. Instead of urging myself on to recovery, I've been looking at how I haven't recovered yet after months of being injured from these car accidents.

I miss my life before those car accidents. Quite honestly, I took it all for granted. One second you can live your life the way you want it, and the next you're having to go to the chiropractor three times a week. Amidst all of this chaos, I've forgotten what drives me. The Law of Attraction.

If I believe I can recover, I will recover. However, if I concentrate on how I'm not making progress recovering, it will stay that way. I haven't been myself at all for the past month. I stopped caring so much about school, so every class I went to was really boring. I made up excuses as to why I couldn't go to church, mutual, or even hang out with friends. All because I felt like crap and wasn't recovering.

I haven't been getting any better, and that has tricked my mind into thinking that I'm not recovering. If I believe that I am, I will. I guess it's kind of like a fake it until you make it kind of thing. But since I haven't been able to recover, I had been damaging my self-image by believing that I am weak and incapable and inadequate.

Tuesday, it got out of hand. I went outside while it was raining for some peace and quiet so I could kneel down and pray about how I felt. I asked Heavenly Father to help me not feel so inadequate. Anything would do at that point. Getting up off of my knees, I went inside and laid down on my bed. While laying there, I remembered my friend Tyler.

Earlier that day, Tyler had noticed that I looked upset and so we went to Broulim's and bought a bunch of candy and sat in my driveway and talked about what was bothering me. She cared, and that meant a lot. Then, I remembered that Rachel was going to come pick me up for mutual. She cared enough that she wanted me to come. I wasn't too inadequate to be friends with these wonderful girls.

I got off my bed and went upstairs, ready to greet Rachel, for whenever she showed up at my house. I got in the car and we all laughed and had a great time at mutual. Afterwards, Rachel came over to my house and we watched Corpse Bride. It meant a lot that she actually wanted to spend time with me, even at my worst.

After Rachel left, I went downstairs to read my scriptures, and throughout my scripture study I was reminded that God always cares about us, no matter the circumstance. We are not inadequate. Not to God. With that knowledge, God is on my side and there's nothing that I can't recover from with his help.

Multi-Mode

As many of my regular readers know, this second car accident was very hard on me, emotionally as well as physically. In my previous post, I mentioned how I lost all of my senses and wasn't really feeling anything. Lately, it's been kind of the same, but at the same time not at all similar.

Being with my best friend, Jared, makes me happier than ever. Whenever I'm talking to him, or even near him, I'm as happy as can be. Everything he says and does with me is always so kind, so it's kind of impossible to be upset with him. The same goes for a lot of my other close friends that are usually upbeat and happy. On the other hand, I often get a little bit of short-tempered with some of my other friends or people I know when they do little things that bother me. I bring this up because it's been happening more frequently since this recent accident.

I hate to blame things on my car accidents, but quite frankly, I've been more closed off emotionally since then. It's harder to share things with my friends because I don't know if they actually care or not. It's hard for me to trust people in my life when so many have been liars and hypocrites. I end up even questioning the most loyal of friends that wouldn't mean to do a thing to hurt me. I'm scared that I'll let my guard down and get hurt again. I should be able to trust my own judgment in choosing the right friends and hoping that we can maintain healthy friendships. I don't know what I'd do without my close friend's concern and help.

Sometimes, I don't know how I feel. I often find myself sitting around, emotionless. I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm just here. Right now, I need to be able to confide in my closest friends and open up to them so that they can help me move on with my life. I understand that some of my readers couldn't care less about this problem. It probably doesn't even make sense to the lot of you, and that's okay. If there's one thing I want you all to take from this entry, it's that people don't have just one mode.

I hate to say it, but people are two-faced. Everyone has all sorts of different sides and modes. People have a sad mode, a happy mode, a mode that they show to their boyfriend or girlfriend, a mode that they show with their family, and a lot more. Going through this recovery process has revealed to me that I have a lot of modes, too. Right now, I am very closed-off.

There are some things that I want to share with people, but I just don't know how to put my feelings into words. This sounds silly because this is a blog post about how I feel, but there are just some things that I can't talk about on here or rather things that would be best if I didn't bring them up. Some things I just need to talk to a person about. And that's what friends are for. I don't expect all of my friends to come running up to me to ask me what's wrong. I expect just that my friends treat me as they always have, with respect and kindness. I need nothing more than what they already give me, love.