Other than that, when Dawson finally came to just spend time with me because he saw that I was hurt, the rest of the night was brilliant. There were a lot of things that I'd rather not talk about just because they are things that hurt my feelings unintentionally.
The look he gave me when I felt hurt was priceless. The look that I hadn't seen since My Heart's Raging Chaos. The look of comfort and protection that he always gives me when he's most concerned about how I'm doing instead of everyone else. I never mean to be selfish when it comes to these things, so I just kept my mouth shut and walked out of the room and sat down next to the office, just to have him just asking repeatedly, and just wondering what he might be able to do to fix me. When I'm silent and I storm off like that it's obvious that I'm holding back tears, and honestly I think he knew. I wanted to cry. Just like all the other times my feelings get hurt. I explain to him what happened and why I'm upset, as he simply just reassures me by just being the best boyfriend in the world. He just stayed by my side the rest of the night there on after until the hypnotist show ended at around 4:30 a.m.
He's that person that you can simply rely on once you are able to spill out your feelings. He makes you smile, and he gives you comfort and warmth that you can't find anywhere else. All he needed to hear was what was going through my head, and how he could help. All he needed to know was what was going on.
Earlier that day, me and Dawson got in a little fight, and he started avoiding me in 4th hour and the end of lunch. I could tell he was mad at me. After writing several hate notes to well.. myself, I began to feel myself about to break into tears.
I thought about all the things I told myself, and wondering about all the what if's I wrote:
Have you ever just wanted to sit down and kill yourself just to get the pain of life out of the way?
Have you ever wanted to just see what would happen if you had gone away?
What would life be like for those around me...without me?
Would it be better? Would it be worse?
What will I do if everyone's just better off?
What's my purpose? What's the reason for me even being here?
My boyfriend can't even explain why he loves me. Heck, he'd rather hang out with all of these other girls than he would me.
Kill me, get it all over with. Get rid of all of this pain. Get rid of my suffering. Give me a sign that somebody wants me.
I thought non-stop about my note, and it got to the point where I ended up moving to the back of the classroom in hopes nobody would notice if I did start crying. After class, I thought he would comfort me, right away and see that I was about to break down, but no... to my surprise, he wouldn't even reach for my hand or look at me. I felt like I was walking next to him, and not with him. I felt like he was about to leave me. Out of control, I saw Krista and hugged her and started to cry in her shoulder. Since my makeup was all messed up, I went into the bathroom to wipe it all off, and then when I came out, to my surprise, there he was standing there waiting to aide me in my need.
The bell was about to ring, so I ran to my next class... where I knew I had NO friends...whatsoever. Not even one who cared the slightest about me. I sat there finishing up crying, and wiping off my smudgy eyeliner. To my astonishment, nobody even really noticed. Nobody even bothered to ask. Not even the teacher. I sat there in tears, trying to keep myself together. I knew I had been lying to myself. I tried to get myself on a happy side... it wasn't working. At all. I sat there in class nearly in tears with every moment that passed by, wiping my eyes with the paper towel I had grabbed.. it was still really wet with my tears and the water I had poured on it to help get off the makeup. I felt terrible. I couldn't believe I had just broken down, and nothing really dramatic had even happened.
The bell rang, and I walked to my boyfriend who came to see me after class before I left with Sienna and Tyler to King's. I hugged him, and hugged him and hugged him as he tried to reassure me that everything was going to be okay and that he doesn't hate me or anything... I felt his warmth more and more, I wanted to sit and stay with him in his arms. But I realized my own problem. Attachment. Ready to face the issue, I ran down the stairs to go walk with them after saying goodbye to him.
Sienna, Tyler, and I had tons of fun walking to King's talking about random crap having to do with the new club we're trying to form called the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) to how Tyler met our mothers. It was a lot of fun. It was also refreshing to know that I didn't always have to hang out with him, and that there's others that care about me.
On my way home, I started to once again doubt myself and wonder who really even cared. Thinking to myself, Give me a sign that somebody wants me. I was scared. Nobody seemed to care except for when I simply just write up a blog post like this. All my breakdowns happen when nearly nobody knows, and when I need them most, they never speak. But what am I supposed to expect? Their full and direct attention to me? No! I don't want them all asking me what's wrong because I honestly don't know. What I need right now more than ever is a friend to just sit down and laugh with.
"You're all I want. You're all I need. You're everything. Everything."
-from "Everything" by Lifehouse
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