Who is She?

The lack of a keyboard for my new laptop shouldn't stop me from at least posting once this month. I'm sorry for the lack of posting in May, but there was so much going on.

I'm finally an adult and I have wanted to get some things off of my chest. Especially seeing as this is my public-diary. I try not to hide things from you guys. I make sure that it's never intentional if I do.

I was never the cool girl in school. I was never popular or most likely to succeed or anything like that. In fact, I think I was more of a girl to sit back and be forgotten. I wouldn't be surprised how many people saw me walk across the stage at graduation and thought to themselves "who is she?"

Do we often find ourselves asking that? Have you thought to look at somebody else and imagine what they could possibly be going through? Do we even care at the very thought? Well, my future profession requires that I care about each and every persons feelings. I should be considering their back stories and how they came to where they are in life now.

Did I do my job in highschool? To an extent. I tried my best to reach out to those I felt needed my help. I learned so much and hurt myself in the process of that learning. That's why I'm going to college. I need to learn how to actually apply past to present behavior and how to help these people better. I want to be a therapist when I grow up. And if I can't do that, then I want to be one heck of a mother that can apply that degree to that job in life just as well. I want to be taken more seriously and I think that this degree that I'm walking towards is a big step towards that.

Now, thinking in the present, I feel like I haven't prepared enough for college. Like I don't feel ready at all. But in hindsight, I've already prepared quite a lot. I signed on an apartment in Rexburg, signed up for English 101 and Math 108, and got a car to call my own.

I'm still without a job. I haven't had much luck. I tried to get a job at this animal shelter, but it's been weeks since I've been in and they still haven't contacted me. However, I do have an on and off job as a house keeper. I worked just yesterday $10 an hour for 3 hours on this one house in Rigby with 3 of my family members. It was exhausting work to sanitize their home but it got me money to my name!

Summer has been exhausting so far. Emotionally, I feel like I'm losing friend after friend. However I feel like some friendships are remaining just as pure as before. This transition has been kind of hard on me so far, but I still feel like I have a few people I can go to for help or just to help brighten my day. Thanks for sticking around. You're real pals.

Physically, I feel exhausted this Summer as well. As stated earlier I worked on sanitizing a house yesterday and it was exhausting. We bleached nearly the entire home and afterward I just wanted to shove an entire pizza in my body. But the thing is... I'm on a diet. I'm on the diet mostly because I'm trying to support my mom in losing weight, but I could lose a few pounds myself too. It's really hard to just eat the same meals for lunch and dinner for 23 days straight.

Anyways. My love life. (Even though I try not to talk on it on here anymore.) It got a little rough around Prom. But we worked things out and prayed and talked with our bishops again and everything seemed to be alright. Since then we've just been growing closer and closer emotionally. We keep talking about the future of our relationship and where it may take us. And to be perfectly honest, I'm so excited. And more than anything, I'm proud to be with such an amazing guy. Seeing him grow has been such a great experience and I hope that I will be able to mature enough to be the kind of woman he wants in his life for time and all eternity.

With all of that said I think we're caught up on the basics of the past two months. Hopefully there will be more regularly posted soon.

Keep reaching out and inspire your inspirations.

Diving, Trusting, Strengthening

I knew it would be hard. This adulthood thing. That's why I decided to take my first dive into the pool of my future. I told my mom about two weeks ago that I wanted to go into the DMV to take my written test. I had been studying for it for months... years, even. I knew that I could do it, I just was scared of what might come from it, getting a little wet. Being expected to take the entire plunge.

The next thing I knew, I had dipped my toe in the water by taking the written test and getting 100% of the questions I was given correct. I wanted to take my driving test immediately after that, so I aimed for the next day at 7 pm. Once I passed that, I wanted to come in and pick up my license the very next day. That same day, I went up to Rexburg with my brother to audition for a choir up on campus called "From the Heart." Little did I know, that this would house some of the most spiritual learning experiences I've endured in a choral experience.

I made it into "From the Heart," as an Alto II. It was a little odd jumping all the way down from Soprano I/0 in Troylairs and Chamber Singers to From the Heart Choir, but I think I'm starting to like where I am as a musician. Callbacks on Saturday were interesting, as I beat out multiple college students who were looking to find their place in the choir, as our rehearsal was that Sunday. I didn't expect to make it into this choir full of college students. I don't know if it was just because I didn't feel like I measured up, or if it was because of my age, but I made it regardless of any of the doubts I had about myself.

I've learned a lot about myself this past week. Some of it I already knew because of my friends, family, and church leaders telling me that I could do, but I can do anything, so much as I dip my toes into the water and wade into adulthood, in a way that I'll be comfortable to dive in deeper. Leaving my childhood behind isn't easy. I've had to put away a lot of my old habits, and start doing more things that'll make me a better person all together. We should never stop improving though, so I guess that's a really good thing, regardless.

There's always going to be the things and the people that I'll love unconditionally. I won't get into what trials I've been enduring lately, but I will say that I love my gospel, and I would never forsake my God just to please somebody else who loves me very much. He is my Heavenly Father, and I trust in him to direct my paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6) I trust that he has given me the abilities that I need to use in this life, and has provided a way for me to attain the other abilities I will need. It's all thanks to my Heavenly Father that I've made it as far as I have.

For those who ask why I'm so happy all the time, it's because I try not to acknowledge the devils and demons that are hanging on my back every single day of my life. Believe me, I have things going on. I choose to ignore the temptations and the bad things that they whisper in my ear. Sometimes, they weaken me when I have my guard let down, but that's what my friends and church leaders here on Earth are for. We're all here to help strengthen each other. Whether I have little or a lot of Satan's force on me, I know that I can rely on my gospel to help me not to stoop to his level, with the help of my friends and family of course.

So far, my understanding of adulthood has been this: things don't get easier. In fact they get harder and harder, but the point of life is to be happy and let your trials strengthen you, rather than ruin you. You've been given lemons, are you going to make lemonade, or are you going to let life squirt you in the face with lemon juice?

You've Always Got The Memories

I thought I knew and learned a bunch walking into third trimester, about myself, of course. But wow. I'm learning so much and it's just the first week. I've learned tons about myself and what it takes to have faith and take that big step of finding my own power in a world of give and take. Life in it of itself is super challenging and it's not going to get any easier for me, or anybody else for that matter. I'll meet people along the way that will make the journey more bearable, but I know that Satan will never stop trying to make me fail.

It's hard seeing old friends slip away from you, especially when they've been there with you all along. You end up growing out of each other or parting ways in general. It gets a little too much. But it'll be all okay because there is one who will have your back at all times and in all places. Heavenly Father has our back. You don't have to be afraid when he's the one who's in control of what's happening, aside from other's free agency. I've learned a ton this week about that. 

Looking back it's really hard seeing who I've lost, who I've forgotten, and who I'm going to have to say goodbye to. However, I know that God will be there to hold my hand as long as I'm willing to take that first step forward. I've got those friends that promise to be there for a lifetime, and I promise to do the same for them, too. But in an eternal perspective, it's more important to be with him. I've had so many friends who have promised to be there always, even when times get tough, but time and time again our friendship has broken apart. 

People may say that I've just got trust issues when it comes to that, but I've learned a thing or two about losing people and I've got the blog posts to testify of that. Looking at my parents is also a pretty good example of showing that we won't have the same friends as we grow older. There's a few that stick around if you're lucky, but it's never the same once you get out of high school and especially when you get out of college and start settling down. 

Whether it be in your memories, your friendship, or your companionship, hold onto me. Hold onto the lessons we've learned together. Hold onto the good times we've shared. Hold onto everything we had then and now. These are the times we'll look back on and think about how if we did the slightest thing different, we could've ended up in a different place. Please remember, you're not alone. You've always got your memories.

Change. It's Inevitable.

Wow. 2nd Trimester is finally coming to a close. Do you know what that means? That was officially my last full high school trimester since us Seniors leave a little bit earlier than everybody else. I officially, as of today, have 90 days until I graduate. This school year has actually been kind of difficult emotionally, but I swear I wouldn't have been able to get through it if it wasn't for my true friends who stuck it through with me and let me help them out when they needed support. There were several times that I felt that I couldn't come to anybody for the help I needed, but a hand full of my friends were there for when I just needed to talk to somebody about something.

I know that on this blog I talk about friendships a lot, but it's one of those things that everybody can relate to unless they've been stabbed in the back multiple times by their "best friend." Well, I have news for you all. It gets better from where you are. Even though me and the rest of Class of 2016 are graduating and leaving each other, we're about to find new people, strengthen the friendships we already have, and figure out what life is really about. We think we have a general idea of what it might be like, but I guess you never really know until you jump in and do it.

Life is about to get super difficult. A lot of my friends will leave on their missions and I'll be attending BYU-Idaho with a couple of my friends that I have now. I'll be writing my missionaries, fulfilling whatever callings I end up with, and trying to get along with my roommates up on BYU-Idaho's campus. Everything's going to change, and that's inevitable. The best thing to do in this situation is look forward to it rather than try to push it away like I've been doing. While I've been pushing my future away in my mind, I've been making it so hard to adjust and become comfortable with the very idea of leaving home... or even getting my driver's license. (Yeah... I've had my permit for 3 years.)

As I transition from high school to college I need to strengthen the bonds that are most important. Namely, I need to strengthen my bonds with my Heavenly Father, my family, my missionaries, those that I consider my best friends, and my supporters. As I transition, this blog will too. I've grown up so much since I first started this blog back when I was a Freshman. Now, I'm a lot older and I know a lot more about life and what's important. As I go through that transition, I'll definitely have to look back and consider all of the lessons I've learned throughout high school about what's really important. I'll be relearning a lot of lessons, I'm sure. However, this blog will turn from a dinky little high school blog to a coping college student's blog.

Thank you all for reading and sticking with me throughout this blog's lifespan. I know that it may be in a lot of your interests to stop reading, but I urge you to continue learning with me and my mistakes that I've made in the past. If you haven't gotten anything out of reading my blog over the years, I'm sorry for wasting your time. If you have gotten something, then I've achieved my goal. I hope that you've felt inspired to read on.

Hotline Bek

Right when life is seemingly perfect, Satan knocks everybody down while they're caught off guard. Luckily, I've been able to recover quite well after having those car accidents. Satan's made it abundantly clear that he wants me and my friends away from each other and more importantly, the church. As much as he's pulling and pulling, I won't let him take me away. I've seen what letting go does to people and I won't let that happen to me.

If this post offends anyone, I'm truly sorry but I just feel the need to convey my feelings on how worried I really am for those around me. It's sad when I'm feeling cheerful and everyone else around me is miserable because they've got Satan on their backs begging them to be sad. I don't know what else I can do to help my friends. It's like I offer my sincere help but it just gets refused. I'm not sure what else I can do.

In the past, this has been the Lord's way of telling me to break off friendships before I get pulled down a wrong path. However, this is nearly all of my closest friends. The friends that I've gotten to really know and understand and love amidst their trials and hardships. As I said in the post just before this, friends are there for it all. But if they won't let you be there for them, there's no way to even help them.

There's a fine line between complaining about how much your life sucks to somebody and asking for help. If I can help in any way, I'd love to. Everybody seems to be going through rough times. Everybody seems to be losing sleep over their own stress. The most I can say to all my readers is to lose yourself in serving others and forgetting your own problems.

Once Upon A Time, They Were Best Friends

My mom has been giving me the same bit of relationship advice ever since she got engaged to my step-dad: "Marry your best friend."

Now I'm not saying that I'm getting married right now, but yeah. I'm looking forward to that future. Everybody needs a friend though and who better to marry once all the young-adult hormones have gone away? A best friend is the ideal person to grow older with because if you can never get tired of each other and you can continue to make each other laugh, it sounds like a great relationship to be in.

You always see stuff like this in the movies too. Usually the best guy friend that's always there for the girl in the movie, ends up getting her by the end of the film by this same idea: marry your best friend.

Many times throughout the lifespan of this blog, I've defined what a best friend is. Well, I'm about to do it again. A best friend is somebody that you won't tire of (at least not easily) and is somebody that you can make up with easily and joke around with. Best friends should be there through it all rather than just talking about themselves and nothing else.

I'm not trying to make this post a show-off of me and my boyfriend and how we fell in love when we were originally just friends, but we're actually a pretty good example of this concept. We've rarely had problems for the 4 months that we've been together and out of those problems, we can't remember any and if we've been hurt, we make it a point to fix it immediately so that we don't have to see our best friend suffer. It's fun being in a relationship like this because you can mess with each other, hang out, and talk about things that boyfriend and girlfriend don't typically talk about.

Basically, I love the relationship that I'm in and I'm excited for the future that may come as a result of the choices we've made now. We'll see what happens when all's said and done. Typically, my best-friendships don't last forever but I'm hoping this guy sticks around regardless of if we stay in a relationship or not. So much so that we've agreed to always be there for each other even if things don't work out the way that we expect. I intend to keep that promise because that's what best friends do.

Temporary Benefits Don't Last Forever

Sometimes it's easy to push our friends aside for goals that we're trying to accomplish. But most of the times the people that want to help you accomplish the goals that are really that important to you are the ones that you're pushing aside. I'm sad to say that I've been one to push other people aside when something is going on in my life that I need to accomplish when those who are trying to help are getting pushed away. Anyway, you shouldn't do that.

Even though we're in the stage where we'll all moving on with our lives, it's still important to keep some close friends around through this transition. You don't exactly have to be going in the same directions, but it's always important to feel like somebody's got your back. Have you ever been unfairly pushed away by somebody that was in a transition phase with their own life? How many times have those people come back to talk to you later in life? Not very often right? It's very easy to lose touch after high school from what I've heard.

Keeping your friends around may increase your stress levels because now you're not only carrying your decisions on your shoulders, but you're also trying to comfort your friends in their decision making. Maybe it's just me that has this problem, but I've felt that at times it might be easier to just sit back and not deal with anybody. But then again... it's nice to keep those friends around because real friends help and support you. If you're not supporting anybody, who'll support you? In the long run, it's great to keep your friends around because having friends decreases your stress levels.

Long story short, it's never okay to abandon a friend unless you're both going to be better off with each other and that's a mutual agreement. It may benefit you right now to do that, but it won't be any good for your future. Friends care. If you don't care, then you're not a friend.

Get A Grip, Future Girl

It's that time. It's the time that I need to move on. To grow up. To spread my wings and fly flat on my face!

As you can probably guess from the picture on this post, I recently got accepted to Brigham Young University-Idaho. A few months ago, I also got accepted to Idaho State University. Now's the time that I need to buckle down and choose. Where do I want to spend my college life? BYU-I or ISU?

In the end, it doesn't really matter where I get my degree. As long as I get a degree, that's all that actually matters. However, I'm spending years at whatever college I go to. This decision should count for something. And it will.

But wow. My life will be flipped upside down once May comes around and I graduate. I'll be spending life somewhere other than here in little Rigby. Growing up is hard, but I know that I'll get a grip on it sometime an come to terms with my inevitable future.

The important part of this all is that the people who actually care will stick with me through all of these transitions and hardships. The people who don't care will eventually fade out, like they always do.

Life is a constant cycle of people coming in and out of your life. Nobody is guaranteed to stay inside your life. The tide of fate could pull them away at any point. Life could pull them in a different direction than they thought they were going. For example, I have this really good friend: Krista. She thought she was going to go to BYU-I and then become a nurse. You want to know what she's going to do now? She's a future sailor for the US Navy! Her field? Electronics... See? Complete opposite direction. Unexpected, too.

Even though now we may say that we love something dearly and that we'll never let go, have we in the past? Think back five years. Where did you think that you'd be now back in 2011? Are those same people that you said you wouldn't let go of still around? For me, those people are gone. It was all a part of life though. I chose the direction my waves would roll, and those people around me that I thought were so important have been washed out of my life. Others are still there, but just not as close as they were five years ago.

Nothing is permanent. It's really hard to determine where you'll be five years from now. Especially when you're out of school. You're basically thinking through all of the possible decisions that you're making within the next five years and predicting the outcome. That's easily over a million decisions. A lot of those decisions could affect you greatly on where you'll end up.

So think... Where do you really see yourself in five years? Will your friends that you have now continue to be there by your side or can you see them fading away? What can you do to be better now so that your life in five years is even better?

Let Down Your Anchor

It's another new year. And with that, everything's going to change again. I'll lose more people. A lot more people, now that I'll be graduating this Spring. It's amazing seeing myself grow up though. It's especially easy to see through this blog. I'm so glad that I got inspired to start this thing up because it's helped me to see my growth and to grow even more than I have. Not only does it help me, I've heard that it's helped out some of my friends and they've heard something that they've needed to because of my blog.

2016 is going to be the biggest turning point in this blog's lifespan. The transition from high school to college will be recorded right here. It could be hard. It could be exciting. We'll see. But there are certain things and people in my life that I can rely on to be consistent through it all. If I anchor my life in those areas, I'm sure that I can't go wrong and that this can be another good year full of growth and accomplishments.

So what's happening this year in my life? Well, I'm going to participate in the Mixed All-State Choir this February, my brother's getting married this April, I'm graduating from high school, and my best friend (boyfriend) leaves on his mission. I'm super excited and well.. scared for it all, but I'm sure that everything will turn out fantastically this year and that I'll be going in the direction that the Lord want's me to.

My New Year's Resolutions: 

Scripture Study Every Day: to keep me anchored in the gospel to keep me steady through these transitions.
Talk to a Family Member Every Day: to keep me anchored in my family and keep me steady and involved with the people who care through these transitions.
Be More Considerate: to my friends, family, and fellow students because sometimes you don't know what somebody might be going through.
Come to Terms With Growing Up: to basically be okay with moving out and going to college and getting a job and other adult-stuff.

Distracted? More Like Emotional Interference.

The worst possible feeling is being sad and not being able to tell anybody why or what they can do to help you be happier overall.  For all I know, they're probably going through the same thing. Maybe a lot of my friends are sad and aren't telling people. The main thing that you can't expect your friends to be on top of is your own happiness.

I wish I could tell people, but I just can't. It's tragic and most of all, private. The most I can do is distract myself from whatever it is. Even though the topic keeps coming up in everyday conversation. Or at least factors that effect the issue. Few people have even noticed that I'm growing more and more depressed. I plaster on that fake-smile and it's gone. As easy as that. Or else I just act as if nothing's the matter.

They tell you to fake it until you make it, but sometimes that can get exhausting. Usually, when I get home, I distract myself  by sitting alone with Facebook, video games, and homework. Whatever can get me not to think about what's on my mind, I'll do it.

Serenaded

Wow. Just wow. I've had my doubts and frustrations about Jared and I's love story, but now I can see that it was all worth it looking back on it. I'm just so glad that we both love each other the same now. So much so that he wrote me a song explaining our entire love story and how we got together and sang it to me as he held both of my hands and stared deep into my eyes.

Could I ever find a man so loving and adoring as Jared? I don't think I've ever been loved this much before. If only I could show you guys how happy we were in that moment. Jared was nervous out of my mind, but I was just falling more and more in love with him as he continued to sing to me. I was shocked. Completely. Ask Krista. She was there. I wish she would've recorded it all.

Later, in fourth hour, I find myself sitting there humming the tune in my head remembering all the different parts of the song, and spacing out and forgetting the equations and formulas that I needed for the test I was taking. I was just so happy because I felt loved and cared for and it gave me hope for the future.

Maybe he could be the last boyfriend I ever have, ya know? I guess it depends on the future's events and how things work out and whether or not I screw things up. I really want this to last though, but I'm willing to suffer a little bit for my future happiness.

Living in Thankfulness

Sometimes we tend to take for granted the blessings that we have in our day to day lives. This past week was Thanksgiving and helped me reflect a little more on that. On the 25th (the day before Thanksgiving,) I invited Tyler over to watch this documentary with me. It's called "Living on One Dollar." These boys go to live in Guatemala for around 8 months and live on one dollar a day. It's interesting trying to get a perspective on what these people living in poverty have to go through every day of their lives.

Everyday, we've taken for granted wonderful blessings such as: health, food, water, shelter, and where has that gotten us? Instead of being thankful for what we have, we end up complaining for what we don't have. Yet the people in poverty have all of the right to be sad and depressed and complaining, but since they have little, they expect little. But since we have much, we expect much.

Going into this Christmas season, I challenge you all not to take what you learned from Thanksgiving and forget it, but actually apply it to your lives. What are you truly thankful for in your life? If it's somebody you know, tell them! If it's an item, try to live a day without it like the boys in Guatemala did.

Trials Turn Into Blessings

Hey guys! I can't believe I've had this blog up and running for 3 years now! My anniversary of my first post will be on the 9th, but I felt inspired to give this special post a little early.

Life is hard no matter what you do. We all go through trials, regardless of whether or not we are doing the right things. Even good people get punished. However, trials can turn into blessings later in life. I've learned this lesson time and time again in my life and want to pass on this message.

Bad things happen to good people, but that doesn't mean that God loves you any less. If anything these trials that turn out to be blessings are a way of God keeping you on the right path.

If it weren't for these trials, I would be a lot less grateful for the life that I've been given.
I've come so far and there's no way that I'd be willing to stop now based on the trials and lessons I've learned because of them. I'm grateful for the trials that I've overcome and wouldn't give them up for anything.

I challenge you all to make a list of all the trials that you've overcome that turned out to be blessings for your future.

Here's mine in Trial --> Blessing Form

Parent's Divorce --> Closer Relationship with Dad
Sister's Cancer --> Quality Time with Dad and Brother with Scriptures, Testimony
Loss of Best Friends --> They Don't Drag Me Down a Wrong Path
Dumped --> Room For A Better And New Man In My Life
Car Accidents --> Greater Appreciation For Life

Recovering My Recovery

Since that last accident, I have become more prone to damaging my self-image. I seem to have forgotten all of that "I am Diamonds" stuff from "Turn Around, Bright Eyes" last year. Instead of urging myself on to recovery, I've been looking at how I haven't recovered yet after months of being injured from these car accidents.

I miss my life before those car accidents. Quite honestly, I took it all for granted. One second you can live your life the way you want it, and the next you're having to go to the chiropractor three times a week. Amidst all of this chaos, I've forgotten what drives me. The Law of Attraction.

If I believe I can recover, I will recover. However, if I concentrate on how I'm not making progress recovering, it will stay that way. I haven't been myself at all for the past month. I stopped caring so much about school, so every class I went to was really boring. I made up excuses as to why I couldn't go to church, mutual, or even hang out with friends. All because I felt like crap and wasn't recovering.

I haven't been getting any better, and that has tricked my mind into thinking that I'm not recovering. If I believe that I am, I will. I guess it's kind of like a fake it until you make it kind of thing. But since I haven't been able to recover, I had been damaging my self-image by believing that I am weak and incapable and inadequate.

Tuesday, it got out of hand. I went outside while it was raining for some peace and quiet so I could kneel down and pray about how I felt. I asked Heavenly Father to help me not feel so inadequate. Anything would do at that point. Getting up off of my knees, I went inside and laid down on my bed. While laying there, I remembered my friend Tyler.

Earlier that day, Tyler had noticed that I looked upset and so we went to Broulim's and bought a bunch of candy and sat in my driveway and talked about what was bothering me. She cared, and that meant a lot. Then, I remembered that Rachel was going to come pick me up for mutual. She cared enough that she wanted me to come. I wasn't too inadequate to be friends with these wonderful girls.

I got off my bed and went upstairs, ready to greet Rachel, for whenever she showed up at my house. I got in the car and we all laughed and had a great time at mutual. Afterwards, Rachel came over to my house and we watched Corpse Bride. It meant a lot that she actually wanted to spend time with me, even at my worst.

After Rachel left, I went downstairs to read my scriptures, and throughout my scripture study I was reminded that God always cares about us, no matter the circumstance. We are not inadequate. Not to God. With that knowledge, God is on my side and there's nothing that I can't recover from with his help.

Multi-Mode

As many of my regular readers know, this second car accident was very hard on me, emotionally as well as physically. In my previous post, I mentioned how I lost all of my senses and wasn't really feeling anything. Lately, it's been kind of the same, but at the same time not at all similar.

Being with my best friend, Jared, makes me happier than ever. Whenever I'm talking to him, or even near him, I'm as happy as can be. Everything he says and does with me is always so kind, so it's kind of impossible to be upset with him. The same goes for a lot of my other close friends that are usually upbeat and happy. On the other hand, I often get a little bit of short-tempered with some of my other friends or people I know when they do little things that bother me. I bring this up because it's been happening more frequently since this recent accident.

I hate to blame things on my car accidents, but quite frankly, I've been more closed off emotionally since then. It's harder to share things with my friends because I don't know if they actually care or not. It's hard for me to trust people in my life when so many have been liars and hypocrites. I end up even questioning the most loyal of friends that wouldn't mean to do a thing to hurt me. I'm scared that I'll let my guard down and get hurt again. I should be able to trust my own judgment in choosing the right friends and hoping that we can maintain healthy friendships. I don't know what I'd do without my close friend's concern and help.

Sometimes, I don't know how I feel. I often find myself sitting around, emotionless. I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm just here. Right now, I need to be able to confide in my closest friends and open up to them so that they can help me move on with my life. I understand that some of my readers couldn't care less about this problem. It probably doesn't even make sense to the lot of you, and that's okay. If there's one thing I want you all to take from this entry, it's that people don't have just one mode.

I hate to say it, but people are two-faced. Everyone has all sorts of different sides and modes. People have a sad mode, a happy mode, a mode that they show to their boyfriend or girlfriend, a mode that they show with their family, and a lot more. Going through this recovery process has revealed to me that I have a lot of modes, too. Right now, I am very closed-off.

There are some things that I want to share with people, but I just don't know how to put my feelings into words. This sounds silly because this is a blog post about how I feel, but there are just some things that I can't talk about on here or rather things that would be best if I didn't bring them up. Some things I just need to talk to a person about. And that's what friends are for. I don't expect all of my friends to come running up to me to ask me what's wrong. I expect just that my friends treat me as they always have, with respect and kindness. I need nothing more than what they already give me, love.

Collapsing and Rising

How does one put feelings into words when they don't know what they feel? During the accident, I stopped feeling. I stopped sensing. I wasn't scared, sad, mad, or even relieved. Instead, I was just nothing. I don't remember smelling anything. I lost the ability to see, hear, and even keep myself balanced. I lost total control and collapsed.

From then on, I've looked back and had some thoughts. I'm using my little experience here as an analogy, so bear with me. Sometimes, when we get ourselves into a traumatic experience we lose ourselves. We lose sight of what's around us. We can't hear people calling out for change or cheering us on. We can't smell the smokey atmosphere, signaling that something's wrong and your emotions aren't what they used to be. When it's all said and done, you can lose yourself so much that you lose control and finally collapse.

As a community, I think that it's best that we help each other to rise up and improve with every little thing that we do. Sometimes we can get so far down the wrong path or just get knocked out on our way down the right one. This inconsistency can help us lose sight of our predetermined goal, whatever that may be. When life gets you down, it's okay to rely a little bit on others to help pick you up and dust you off and clean your wounds. However, we should always be willing to help pick others up when they need it too.

After both car accidents, I felt that I needed a lot of help doing my day-to-day tasks. I still do. I have to go to the chiropractor three times a week because of both car accidents. Sometimes I've even used the elevator, rather than using the stairs, at my school because of my stapled knee. I've had to ask neighbors for band-aids, comfort, and overall help.

I will never forget the kindness that some of my closest friends have shown me. I've had friends come by and visit me to see if I'm doing alright and bring me multiple gifts as a "get well soon" present. I can't think of a time where I have felt more love, outside of the church of course. I am so grateful for the charity my peers have shown to me. The help they have given me has inspired me even more to rise up and be happy and help others despite the challenges I have within my life. I have discovered even more so, through this experience, that there is a handful of friends ready to aide me whenever I need them. Sometimes it's just a matter of asking for that help or even being the first to help them with what they need.

We're Alive, We're Loved

So, there is some things I haven't been telling you. I have a boyfriend now! I've had a boyfriend for about... two weeks now. You can probably guess who it is, too. Jared and I ended up kissing on Labor Day and now we're happily in a relationship as of September 8th. Jared and I have already had our moments together. We've been able to cry on each other's shoulders, and well... even endure yet another car accident.

Today, around 2:55 pm, Jared was taking me home and when we went past an intersection on the highway (with no lights) a car pulled out in front of us and we T-boned it and hit the driver's side of the vehicle. I remember vaguely seeing the car pull out in front of us and shouting "Jared, stop the car!" Jared remembers that I screamed right before we hit. I remember Jared freaking out and saying that he couldn't breathe and asking in panic if I was okay. I was. It felt the same as the last time I had gotten in an accident, just a month previous. He told me he was sorry as he was having trouble breathing. I was incredibly calm during this this moment. Scarily calm, in fact.

Immediately, people rushed over to help us. They helped us out of the car and got us off the road. They asked us to describe what happened and since my boyfriend looked like he was in shock, I started to answer them to tell them that we T-boned the other car. I noticed that as I was speaking, I could hardly hear myself. I didn't know how loud I was talking, but it was almost as if someone was plugging my ears. I could hardly hear anything and I started to get really dizzy. My knees started to give out and my vision went completely blurry, I could only seen some colors and vague little shapes. Collapsing, Jared and the person next to me, caught me. I felt like I had just blacked out a little.

I remember sitting on the ground and trying to stand up again, but they told me to stay down. Jared, being the awesome boyfriend that he is, sat by me and made sure that I was okay. We discovered that there were a couple scars on my arm, a few bruises on my legs, and a giant gash in my knee cap, caused by the lack of a glove compartment in Jared's car. I literally bent the metal with my knee. I also ended up getting this really bad seat belt rash/bruise from the top of my shoulder to the middle of my chest and an even worse bruise underneath my breast. This bruise is so bad that I cannot show you the entire thing because of it's awkward placement on my body. However, I will show you a tiny section of this painful spot on my body. Along with this major bruise, I have a possibility of being bruised internally. I have a lot of little minor bruises all over my body and it makes it hard not to be sore all over.

Once my parents arrived, we walked over to my car and I hugged Jared for a long time and cried in his shoulder just because of the adrenaline and the shock and how happy I was that he was safe. We waited there until Jared's mom came to pick him up and take him over to the doctor. I felt really bad about the other driver. Apparently she got a concussion, and they spent a good amount of time prying her out of the car. Luckily, everyone was okay.

Overall, this is just more proof that Heavenly Father loves me and tries his hardest to keep his children safe. It's truly another miracle that me and my boyfriend walked out without any major injuries. Well, aside from the 3 staples I got in my knee and my further back problems and battle wounds. I'm just glad that all the X-Rays and EKGs turned out alright and that I'm okay. I'm especially glad that my boyfriend isn't in any major pain, other than his knee, which I heard is kinda swelled up. What matters now is that we're alive and that we're loved.

That Butterfly Dagger Feeling

Okay, I'm not going to lie. There's some big decisions that need to be made in my life. These decisions may not seem all that big to other people my age, but they're those kinds of decisions that will determine where I'm going and what I'm going to be doing in my future. I won't go into detail about what these decisions are. After all, they're my decisions and I want to keep them to myself. The truth is, I'm scared about what the next chapter holds.

For all I know, I could wind up not going to the college of my choice. I could wind up losing all of my friends as they go off to do great things. I could wind up doing what I'm doing now, sitting in my parent's basement. Right now, I just wish I could stop time. I want to live in this moment. Right here, right now. I want to sleep. I want to hang out with my loved ones. I want to binge-watch a Netflix series. I feel so unready.

At the same time, I've never felt more ready to take a leap into what I've been both excited and scared about. Do you know that feeling? That feeling of butterflies in your stomach? It feels good at first because of the adrenaline you get, but then those butterfly wings turn into little tiny daggers as you think of life without taking the leap. Sometimes you just have to take the leap. Those who never jumped into the air, never took flight.

Alright, We Can Handle This

So far, the new school year has already been both up and down. Though there have already been quite a few ups of Senior year, there's been many downs of it too. The best part has been reconnecting with a bunch of my old friends. However, in order for that to happen, I'm getting less and less time with my current friends. See? An up and a down. Every day has had it's upside and downside. I guess the best you can do is look on the upside, but lightly consider the downside.

My biggest problem with school this year is that I feel like I'm not in control of anything that I'm doing with my life right now. It's been hard, with my recently diagnosed concussion, to catch everything being thrown at me. Through requirement changes in my education to my social life, I'm feeling pulled in several different directions.

Gordon B. Hinckley, one of the LDS church's many prophets once said, "Don't get discouraged. Things will work out." I think that these words are probably the most important to remember amidst all of this orderly chaos. Also, God gives us the trials that he knows that we can handle. Whether you're struggling with immorality, an addiction, or getting over someone, God knows we can win as long as we're looking in the right direction. Concentrating on Satan, and his power, will get you nowhere. Compared to all of God's glory, Satan is nothing. With the knowledge of God's power over Satan, it is much easier to live righteously.

Still, it's hard not to glance too long at the downside of things. Your ups could even end up being someone else's downs. It's hard not to get jealous when one of your friends gets something you've been wanting for a long time. It's hard not to get jealous when someone else gets to go out with someone you've been meaning to ask out. It's good for one side, but bad for the other. The important part is that things will work out in the end so that everyone gets their happy endings.

Anything, Big or Small!

A lot of the time, you don't notice something before you realize you could lose it at any time. August 17, 2015 at 9:30 pm, me and my mother hit 3 calves on the way home from one of my friend's houses. In sheer panic, we hit the brakes and then it was too late. Two calves were killed on impact, one broke three of it's legs and was shot to be put out of it's misery. Me and my mom felt fine after the airbags deployed. Our legs weren't sore and there were no visible wounds. Plus, we had two dogs in the car who also left the accident uninjured. The only problem we had was breathing because of the chemicals released from the air bags. We were totally fine.

The neighbors rushed over to help us, to see if we were doing okay. Quickly, my mother picked up her phone to call 911. Surprisingly, the two of us were relatively calm. However, the adrenaline soon picked up when the police arrived and we started filling out paperwork. Me and my mother were cold and the adrenaline was finally getting to us. Some of the people there gave us blankets and a car to sit in while we filled out everything.

You know how people say that their life flashed before their eyes? Well, mine didn't. In fact, I even started to think later that night that I would've been okay with dying at that very moment. But when I sat down in our van to go home, I started to call the people that were very dear to me to tell them about what happened and see if it helped calm me down. Life should not be taken for granted. I told these friends that I loved them very much and that me and my mother could've died, but walked away without a scratch. Despite our near-death experience, my mother and I are feeling very blessed to still be here with our friends and family.

The lesson to be learned here is not that Kia produces incredibly safe cars, even though that's very unbelievably true. The real lesson is that anything, big or small, can pop up and take away what you love dear. In the end, the only thing you can do is react, call for someone, and start the healing process.