I'm Sorry

So, I woke up early this morning, even though we have no school... I decided to stay up and think... just think about whatever what was said the day before, and the behavior I've had to somebody lately. I feel so stupid now. I thought about what it'd be like if Dawson and I weren't together, and if he were with her... It'd hurt, I know that for sure. It's sad because I say I don't trust her. Truth is, I'm just protective over him. It's just like my first friend I had. He didn't want me being friends with anybody else, but him. I even thought that was over controlling back then... So now I'm realizing I'm being pretty controlling with Dawson too. Now, I'm not saying that Dawson is free to do whatever with girls that he wants...because that's not true. Of course there'll be a limit, but it's not like he'd ever exceed the limit. I know that he loves me more than any other girl...so why am I worrying? I shouldn't.

So here it goes, I'm really sorry to... everyone, really. I want him to myself. I'm sorry to those who I've just ignored what you said, and walked away with Dawson. I'm sorry to those who I've been jealous of, when I've had his heart all along. I'm sorry to those who try to talk to him, but I drag him away. I'm not being fair to you guys. For some reason, I have this odd idea in my head that I need to be the only one he cares about, but that shouldn't be the case for him. He should care about his friends too, and he does. I think my problem is that I'm around a bunch of girls everyday, and I hear people talk about how cute he is and how much they want to get with him, and I'm sitting there like a nobody. So sorry, guys.

I've been an emotional wreck lately. I've been majorly unstable. I think I know what it is now... It's not Dawson, like I thought it was. It's what's happening at home combined with stress from Driver's Ed. I came home bawling yesterday because I had failed my city drive in a clutch car. Of course, I hate clutch because it's so hard for me to drive. Knowing that I've only driven it twice, I'm going to end up driving it two or more times in the future. Due to the fact that you need 4-5 times in a clutch car. Now that I think about it, It's not what's happening at home.. It's more of what's not happening. My mom never has any time for me now. She's always on the phone with a group of women talking about being positive, or she's on the phone with a bunch of customers. Anyways, I've been really lonely lately. I need a friend.

So, not only am I losing quality time at home, I'm losing quality time with my friends as well. You guys... I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong...but a lot of your are just leaving my life. I don't know why... but there's only eight friends that have stuck around... Eight out of all of my friends. Eight out of tons. I failed the friendship test, I guess. Those eight... Dawson, Sienna, Braxton, Keely, James, Julia, and Gabby and Krista usually talk to me and care about how I'm doing, not only when I'm crying, but even if I'm the happiest person at that time. They laugh with me, they cry with me, they share with me. They inspire me...They show what it's like to be there for a friend even when their world is crashing down in front of them, instead of letting somebody else do the work. Thank you, you eight. You help dry my tears, knowing that you all care for me.

Friends come and go...but it's hard watching a friend go through something that's just a life lesson, in general. I have a friend right now, and she's not really acting herself anymore. She's a different person around these 3 other people, and everyone is so surprised at how much she's changed over the summer. Thing is, I totally agree with them. She has changed. I almost never hear from her anymore... I guess she's too busy trying to hang with her other friends, like those three. Of course, I can't assume, but honestly a bunch of her friends are hurt because of how much she "changed" over the summer, and how she's just not the same as before.

Lil Song of the Day: True Rarity by Fauxsnyder

Epic Shout-Outs of the Day:
Linsey Ketchum: I've been thinking about you. About how we were friends back in sixth grade, and our friendship faded after I went to online school for a year. My point is, I wasn't sure if you had changed or not. I've known a lot of  nice girls, and girls that I've been friends with... but I have trust issues. As I said up there, none of this is you, it's all in my head. Please don't feel so awkward when you're with me and him. I want to be your friend again, I hope that's not too much to ask. I'm sorry for getting jealous over nothing.
-Bek
Dawson: Yeah, you obviously know what's going on, due to the shout-out above. I'm sorry for being jealous over nothing. Also, I'm sure you'll see this post. Would you mind doing me a favor, and sending her to this post and asking her to read the first and second paragraph, along with her shout-out? Please and Thank you.
-Bek