Stages of My Single Journey

It's hard to believe that I was dumped exactly seven months ago! It feels like much longer than seven months... But it hasn't been! So, here's a recap on my single status and the processes I've gone through.

Depressed Beyond Belief
Initially, I told myself I'd never talk about how sad I was during this time period and that I'd try to stay positive for all of my followers. But you know what? Let's get real. Once I got dumped, I felt like I was just existing without a purpose or reason. July 16-July 26 were my days of complete and utter misery. ("Lies" and "Turn Around, Bright Eyes") But that started to change during that last blog post. With the belief that I am Diamonds, I was able to take the next step of recovery.

Hopeful Dating With Resentment From The Past
I started to flirt with multiple guys in hopes that they'd all get my mind completely off of my ex. My hopeful stage lasted from July 26- September 27. I had fun getting hit on and went on 3 dates, but eventually this stage had to stop to make room for a better future.

Inspired By Change
From September 28- December 28, I was completely inspired by the idea of turning my life completely around by getting rid of the negative and making myself way better than I already was. During this stage I went on like... one date because I was completely focused on bettering myself more than ever. However, I was stuck in my little bubble and refused to pop my head out and see what in my life was already perfect.

There's A Reason to Love
This stage brings us to the realization that I have some pretty amazing friends in the world. Kiley and James are pretty much my world right now. Even just seeing them happy in their relationships, shows me that I have a reason to love again and that I can be as happy as I was again. They've showed me that being single doesn't mean that I have to be alone. I know that I never have to feel lonely because they're here to listen to me and support me through my trials. They've opened my eyes to the world that I'm living in and have also showed me that love is more than a tragic catastrophe waiting to happen. They've brought those feelings, that I tried to throw away forever, back up and I'm so thankful that they've stood by my side through all of this. I know that whatever I go through, my friends will always love me.
("Call it True" and "To The One Who's Always There") I'm still in this wonderful stage and it's all thanks to my friends.

Call It True.

Okay. So there's this girl, and she's probably the strongest woman I've ever met in my entire life. I never thought that I'd end up caring about her so much when I first met her... but then she came back when I was at my worst. We lifted each other out of our depressions and supported each other through all of our hardships. Miss Emma Kiley, right now, is the biggest inspiration in my life. I couldn't be more proud of this amazing girl. She's gone through so much with and without me that it'd be close to impossible for me to hate her.

Ever since I got dumped six and a half months ago, a part of me kept telling me that I was all alone and because everyone else had their pair already I'd continue to be alone. I lost my best friend. I lost everything. But... She lost everything too. When she came back into my life, something clicked. Something within the both of us told us that we needed to be best friends and support each other because parts of us knew nobody else would support or love us the same way we accepted each other.

Time went on, and Kiley and I grew closer and closer. Our bond grew through the nights we'd stay up and talk about the challenges we had to go through as we'd eat ice cream and various other junk foods. I felt more and more like I could tell her everything. She actually cared about me, and shared a lot of the same views as me. Sure, we don't agree on absolutely everything, but we accept each other's views and values all the more, and appreciate our differences.

As we laid next to each other last night thinking of things to talk about and I realized that I seriously love this girl! She knows pretty much everything about a lot of my family members, and about how her kids will know my mom as "Grandma." Heck, we've even come up with a plan just in case neither of us end up getting married. We'll totally get an apartment and live together. This girl is truly my little sister, but I look up to her more than

She picks me up when I fall down, she listens to my little rants, it seems like she cares about all of my problems, and she's the first person I've been completely comfortable with in a long time. She's my best friend for sure and I hope that it stays that way for a long time.

To The One Who's Always There

Thank you...

Whenever I seem to be going through my biggest trials in life, you've always stood by me to lift me up and support me in every way possible.

I love you, James. You're one of the best guy friends I could ever ask for. And whether or not you LIKE being my brother doesn't matter because you're not going to get rid of me anytime soon.

You're amazing. Knowing you these past 4 years has been the greatest story I'll ever tell. Thank you for the journey, kid. :)

Hello, 2015

New Years Resolutions... This year, I feel that it may be time to grow up, drop things, and fix things.

2015. As the future approaches me I find myself realizing that my teenagerhood is coming to a close whislt Adulthood is right around the corner. To think... a year and a half from now, I'll be graduated! Adulthood couldn't scare me more than it has in the past like it does right now.

I remember really wanting to turn 16 years old. But now that I am 16, I'm finding that I really don't want to grow up anymore. 18 sounds like a scary age to me. I'll be going to college 2 years from now. What a scary thought! I feel so unprepared... Well, I guess it's time to embrace it!

Looking back on my year in 2014, I realize that I was very naive and needed the experience of yet another break up to get me out of a serious relationship that had me running into problems constantly. I learned that when both people put in 100% into a relationship, their 100%s equate to 50% and together make that 100% possible. This year, I will take that lesson into my life and APPLY it like crazy!

Poison. There is so much poison in my life right now that cuts me short of my full potential. Poison... Long story short, People or things that are poison bring stress and unnecessary drama into other people's lives. These people/things bring pain to others just by asking for sympathy or even just the thought of them makes the recipient emotionally unstable.

I am so grateful for my friends. They were able to see that I was hurting and still had resentment without even realizing it myself! I may not be able to tell who's poison in my life, but I do know I can count on my true friends to help me sort it out.

Shout Out to Gabby and Sienna: Thank you so much. I am very grateful and appreciative of all of the help you have given me this past year.

GABBY: You were so sweet to make me those chocolates! I'll be really surprised if you didn't end up getting a restaurant or a bakery when you grow up... But until then, I can't wait until we room together at BYU-I. I'm so excited. Be my mommy while we're there, kay? :)

SIENNA: You could pretty much write a biography on me and not leave out a single detail. You know me so well! I think you know a little bit less than my mom... and you know I tell my mom everything! Long story short, I love you and I'm so glad that our 100%s equate to 50% to form a perfect 100% bond between us. You're amazing. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, you beautiful independent Chica!

A wise woman once told me, you can't be part of two if you cannot be one. In other words, don't get in a relationship or expect others to love you when you have things about yourself that need to change or things that you may not like about yourself.

For me, I feel as though I need to undergo more spiritual growth this year. As an emotional teenage girl, I love hearing when others talk about what they believe in. Because of this, I figured I might as well grow closer to my Heavenly Father by gaining a greater testimony of my Faith.

Going into 2015, I'm feeling pretty confident. I know that through my hardships I can always go to my Heavenly Father, my mom, and even my true friends because I know that they all care about me, as a person. I finally feel like I am doing things right now. I know that I am part of something that brings happiness to my life and the lives of others. I know that I'm loved. I know that 2015 is going to be amazing, as long as I make it that way.

Give A Little More

Eight days of vacation and all I've been doing is binge watching TV shows and movies on Netflix. Other people are out doing things and yet here I am just laying in bed with my step-sister, Sarah, watching Sword Art Online. As the days of my vacation pass by, my phone seems as if it hardly ever goes off. Here I am again... lonely. Sure, I've got a few people that would like to talk to me... but they're just the kind of people that I don't feel like conversating with because I'm always the one carrying our pointless conversations. As the hours of my nothing-filled day pass by, my phone seems to be filled with nothing as well.

There's always that one guy that we, as teenage girls, usually count on. For me, that person has ended up being James. I always feel like talking to him. He brightens my day and makes me feel wanted. He's the best guy friend I could possibly ask for. When we text and talk on the phone he makes me feel like I'm actually wanted. I always hope that when he talks to me he feels the same... but lately he's been busy with work and family so we haven't been able to talk that much, but that's okay because I always have Netflix and video games... but all I really want to do is hear from a hand full of people (no name dropping).

Loneliness. What else can you expect after getting out of a super long relationship? After being used to all of this constant "I love you" stuff, I've realized that I took it all for granted. There's always those days where I think the fact that I'm single is the best thing ever... but the opposite is true too. I think I say that for every single person on the planet when I say that. It's just human nature. 

I just hope that someday I'll actually have my love life figured out. Right now it's easy for me to say that I'm more confused than I've ever been about love. It's not that hard for me to decide what kind of guy is the guy I should marry in my future; It is hard to decide what I need to do to improve myself for him so that I can be the girl that he's looking for. With how little my dating experience has been, I still have a lot to learn about detailed qualities.

For example, it's easy for me to write down on my list that a guy has to be faithful, but it would be better if I were to write that he would stay true to the gospel and to me. Different qualities can be taken in many different ways, and as you go down the list of qualities you can easily settle for less...  which is something nobody should consider when searching for a future partner. Making a quality list may also help you figure out whether or not they're doing all the things on the list as well. If they fit your list perfectly and you want to marry them, you want the feeling to be mutual, right?

Fixing myself after I got dumped has definitely been one of the biggest-- if not the biggest challenge I have ever gone through. I remember how devastated and broken I was. I still had friends there to support me after all the drama like Gabby, Kiley, Sienna, and James and I'm thankful looking back to see how much they've gotten me through. They all taught me that it wasn't really the end of the world after 'Drawkah.' Turn Around, Bright Eyes. After all, if it weren't for them, I may have abandoned my blog or done something equally as drastic just because of how lonely I felt. I have to thank the Lord for this one because my friends helped keep me sane.

I am so grateful for all of the blessings that come from writing this blog. Some may not know what the good in having a blog is but I know that having a blog was good for me because:

• My friends are able to check up on me
• I am able to look back on how I've dealt with situations in the past
• Helps me relate my past situations to now
• Helps me remember what I've gone through
• It has helped me share my own beliefs
• It has given out inspirational thoughts and advice

As this year comes to an end, I look forward to seeing what 'epic' things may happen to me in the future and what advice I may give to some of you that may inspire us all to be better people. Give a little more than you take. Think before you speak. Comfort those in need. It'll all be worth it. Kindness circulates through the law of attraction, but so does negativity so be careful what you give to others.

To The Moon And Back

What makes somebody your best friend... or even your 'bestie?' For me, there's several contributing factors. Currently, I don't consider everyone I talk to as my best friend. There's a few select people that I'd pick out above the rest. However, I can't 'put all my eggs in one basket' like I used to because I know it'll hurt when the friendship comes to an end. What's with friendships anyways?

A best friendship is essential in everyone's life at some point or another because I don't think anyone should have to stand alone while going through their own personal challenges. It's always nice when you can talk to somebody about your problems and share experiences in hopes to make each other better in the end. However, not everybody's paths of life match up so you can't always expect these types of friendships to last.

A true friendship is a friendship that in my eyes will never have an actual point in ending, so it doesn't unless it "fades" away. Whenever this pair or group of friends fight, it always ends in apologies and ends because of how strong the friendship is on all sides. I, personally, have several true friendships in my life. For example, when me and Sienna fight, it may get extreme, but we always end up hugging it out because our friendship means the world to us. The reason this happens is because both sides of the friendship see no more point in fighting and decide to resolve it all. I always end up praying that these friendships will last forever because of the joy that they bring into my life.

When a friendship ends, sometimes you end up feeling like a fool for believing that the friendship was true. But don't worry, that's normal, I know that I feel like that every time that I lose someone that I considered close or even true. But believe me when I say that it will happen in your life. If not once, than you may be getting lied to.

Sometimes there comes a time in life where you have to accept and let go of a friendship or a best friendship because your friend decides that you are 'no longer needed' for whatever reason. I won't call these ex-friends jerks because there's a clear reason why they can't be your friend anymore. To put it simplest, your paths no longer match up and you have grown apart, or rather they ditched you to be in a relationship with someone that probably won't last anyways. The easiest way to accept this, in my own experience, is to rely upon your other friends. 

If you don't have any other friends, go out and make some. I can't tell you how many times random strangers and I have communicated and became friends. Heck, even ask Keely Keele. I remember getting onto the bus on September 20, 2012, a little bit before Dawson and I got together, during my Freshman year and sitting next to her and just starting a conversation with "You know what I hate? When people whisper across the classroom!" Making friends is easy, you just have to make sure you're open to it and that they are too. Heck, I made friends with Kiley and her brother over something as simple as a Tootsie Pop!

One of the biggest things that me and my close friends do together is give each other nicknames and tell each other that we love each other and even sleep in the same bed during sleepovers. But hey, that's totally normal, right? Sienna came over about two weeks ago and we laid in my bed and watched Peter Pan and at one point we posted a Snap Chat to her story of me "cuddling" with her. We ended up texting people that night and talking about drama and even changing the names in my contacts. Now, in my phone, Sienna is Pimp, Kiley is Bae, and Gabby is Sexy Latina Teacha. Even back in the eighth grade, me and my friend Mary were planning on having a fake wedding for our friendship family. 

Guess you can't have super close friendships with your friends

 without loving them to the moon and back.

Song of the Day: Always For You by The Lighthouse and The Whaler

Post Dedication: James

You are amazing, and are a very close and important friend to me. I know that at some point we will all have to go our separate paths, but I really hope that we will be able to keep in touch and keep our true friendship, you guessed it... true.

Dating in Highschool

Whilst talking to my stepbrother tonight and visiting with my friend Sienna last week, I realized that there is a huge controversial topic in our age group. The question being, when is dating appropriate?

Of course, the age old question is-- When are you old enough to date? As for my personal beliefs, sixteen is the age both because of my religion and statistics show that ages 16-18 is the range of age when teenagers can start feeling that 'love' for somebody else. 'Love' doctors have proved this! Now that I've gotten out of my earlier teenage years, I'm able to see that I really didn't know what love was back then, but the more I went about my life and closer to this more mature age, I was able to see it and grow and appreciate it more than I did the strong friendship that I mistook for love. If I were just a little bit younger than 16 when I started dating, I probably would've ended up in a dangerous situation where I would've been tempted or unprotected on the so-called 'date.'

I know that I speak for my age group when the term 'dating' means that you are exclusive with that person and that you are in your own little relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend. I've gone through that process twice now, and both times I've ended up telling myself "Pf, I don't need a boyfriend to be happy!" I know that I at least speak for myself when I say that people are attracted to confidence and happiness. When I see somebody that looks happy and confident with their life I'm definitely gravitated towards them.

Nowadays, I see the exclusiveness between couples my age and younger as a type of cluelessness about what else is actually out there. Through just dating people, there's no pressure of having to 'break-up' with one another. Through just dating people, there's still a chase and mystery factor of whether the other person might actually like you. Whereas couples straight up say "I love you." I think it's more exciting not knowing if they do or not, the chase is a wonderful thing, I know that the chase doesn't turn out to be as strong when you're in a relationship. Why stick with one flavor when you can sample all sorts of different ones? Sure, maybe your 'flavor of the month' might be chocolate, but you'll never know any better unless you go try some of that rocky road.

I know that for Mormons, it can be very difficult and stress-inducing to date before your mission. There's a big factor of teenage hormones that drive teens to like one another, but there's also a factor of that want of obedience and dedication towards God. I know a few men in my life that are in a relationship with some one else pre-mission. I know that I speak for a good amount of women when I say that waiting hurts.

My brother's love interest before he left on his mission wanted to wait for him and he had to debate on what to do and whether to stay in a relationship. He finally made the decision of telling her to just live her life without him for the next two years. About six months into his mission, his love interest got engaged to his best friend. Of course, my brother was very happy for the happiness of his two best friends, but was also going through a little bit of heart break at the same time. I know from this experience, that forming serious relationships before serving a full time mission may be toxic in the floating factor of possible heartbreak.

My advice on this matter is to stay single and date around. I at times regret going into the two relationships that I did, but I know that I wouldn't have had the experience to share and the advice to give if I didn't go into those two relationships. I'm glad that I have the chance to stay single and meet lots of other teens to discover more qualities of what I might seek in a future partner. Jumping into a relationship can be dangerous because you don't always know what you're getting into with the person. There could be a total deal breaker involved and you may feel super bad because you have to break up with them over it. Once again, through just dating people, you can sample all the different flavors.

First Tri Recap 2014

Finals week! I can't believe how much of a mess this week has been with all of the finals and trying to finish up tests and notes and last-minute assignments. At least it will give people the wake-up-realization that they need to be more organized for next trimester and have much better time management. However, for me, it was still stressful even though I had most of everything done. It was hard because throughout the entire trimester I was trying to balance my school work and my fun.

The bad thing about high school is that just about every teacher at our school likes to think that their class is the only class that you have... EVEN if it's advisory. It's not very convenient when you have made plans and then they get all messed up just because your teachers decide that your education requires pages upon pages of homework. Sure, they give you time in class. But maybe we should spend less time getting lectured on how bad we are, and more time learning about how to do what we need to do.

In English, the score I got on my Final wasn't any better OR any worse from my Pretest score. It makes me pretty disappointed in knowing that I didn't really improve all trimester. However, in Chemistry and Trigonometry I felt like I learned a lot and had a few aha moments in the class as well. Yet, in my History grade, I felt like I didn't learn anything after an entire trimester of sweat and hard work... even though I got an A. As for Chamber Singers, I feel like I improved a ton vocally and was able to express myself in more ways than just singing with everybody. With things such as group games and challenging warm-ups, I feel as if I've become a lot better than I was when it was just Burrows teaching us. Ras has definitely improved our choral program.

Even though for the most part I didn't have any fun classes, I was still able to make the best of each of my days at RHS this trimester. I strengthened and made friendships. Just in one trimester, I've been able to better realize the importance of friendship. Gosh, how is it that I had forgotten how awesome friendship was when I was too busy thinking about me and my own relationship? I feel disappointed in myself looking back on last year and how much I pushed people away from me, when I could have strengthened bonds even more with them while it lasted, instead I let my friends fade away. I couldn't feel any more sorry for the opportunity I lost sight of my Sophomore year.

Lil Miss Epic's 2 Year Anniversary Post: 20 Months Without My Brother

Life gets tough when you don't have that special someone next to you to depend on all the time, especially when they were the one that you sought approval from and were closest to in your time of need. For me, that special someone is Erik Jordan Phillips, my 21 year old brother. When he read out his mission call, I knew that I would miss him more than anything else but with him out in the field, I've had to face a lot of things out on my own. 

At first I knew it was going to be okay because my boyfriend at the time was able to comfort me and tell me that everything was going to be alright with him gone. As time progressed, I started forgetting about him and dealing with my own teenage activities like hanging out with friends and participating in choir. Every once in a while, I would stumble upon a little piece of him as I went about my daily life. I found items like photos, poems, songs, and even letters that he had written me. Those items gave me a quick little reminder that my hero was out serving the Lord on his LDS mission.

A lot of the letters from my brother happened to be apologies for "not spending enough time with his precious little sister." It humbled my heart in seeing that even he makes mistakes. Of course, it did hurt not being able to hang out with my very-busy-brother, but the apology he gave me made me forgive him and miss him even more than I already did.

It was scary being without him sometimes. There'd be spiders in my room, and I couldn't call for my brother to come smash it dead! But while he was gone on his LDS mission, I realized most of the qualities that I want in my future husband. As I tried to change things with my current boyfriend, things started failing in the relationship and I ended up getting my heart broken. It killed me not being able to talk about it with my big brother, face-to-face. Heck, I didn't even get a letter telling me to 'cheer up' from him. I was heart-broken, not just over getting dumped, but also over the friendships that seemed to be falling through as time went on.

I was depressed and life was darker than ever. I had gone on a couple of dates to try to cheer myself up, but it was then that I realized that I wasn't looking in the right places for what I want. I needed my friends back... but what could I do to get good friends? I started writing my brother again, and he sent me some adorable dating stories. I knew that I had to change so that I was attracting the right energy into my life, and be the right kind of girl for my future man and the right kind of friend to attract good friendships. After all, I did know what I wanted, it was just time to go after it.

Now, I find myself missing him so much with just four months left of his mission. I can't believe he'll be back in March. There's so much I've learned about him, learned from him, and learned without him while he's been gone. The real question is-- Has it been worth it? Absolutely. I wouldn't trade anything for the important life lessons I've learned and the eye-opening experiences I've experienced.

TWO YEARS

A lot can happen in two years.

A lot of fear, a lot of tears.

But what can you do to change?

What is there to rearrange?

Your heart is shattered.

Your brain, scattered.

Look to him in every way.

He will brighten up your day.

Before you know it, two years have passed.

Two years seemed as if they had a lot longer to last.

You could've been broken, but you were full of cheers.

Now I ask you, Would you have changed those years?

-Bek Phillips

HAPPY TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO MY BEAUTIFUL
LIL MISS EPIC BLOG PAGE!

It's been amazing working here on the blog. 

I've learned so much within these past two years.

I wouldn't change a thing if I were given the choice to. 

I love you all, thanks for reading.

Influential Inspiration

We all have those moments where we sit by ourselves and just want to lay around and cry because of how 'unblessed' we feel, even though we know in the back of our minds that our lives probably couldn't be any better than they are now. But the truth is-- we totally are blessed. Heck, when you think about it, we're way more blessed than we think we are.

How terrible it is of us to sit here and expect love from others when we aren't giving love to them. How do you expect somebody to treat you with respect, when you don't have the decency to treat them the same? How can we expect somebody to accept us for who we are, when we're always judging those around us for who they are? It's questions like these that make us step back and think about what we're doing to build or demolish the lives of the people around us. But why do we ask others and ourselves these seemingly pointless questions if we don't expect change out of ourselves?

Waiting for change to happen is like sitting in a dark room waiting for somebody to flip the switch. Why sit around and wait for it to happen, when you could get up off of your butt and make your life brighter. If you want the change, then make that change. However, if you(like me) have started to make that change and are loving all the blessings you receive because of it, keep at it! You can't expect the blessings to keep coming and coming if you stop working for it. Life isn't going to just do itself for you, you have to do life! If you want somebody to change-- it's their choice. Just know that we still have to be that example, that shining light, for those who we know can do so much better.

Have somebody you know that needs to fix their life and get back on the right track? Be that example for them, fix something that you need to fix, to help motivate and inspire them to fix their life. It really isn't all that hard to inspire those around you. Believe it or not, people younger than you are looking up to you to see what is normal or what they can do to contribute and become more responsible and self-reliant, or just learn from your bad example. Even those older than you may look up at you and tell themselves that they need to be better, or they could just complain about how kids have changed these days. Trust me when I say that your peers and people your own age look at you and think, (whether they realize it or not) "What can I do to be more like them?" or even "Wow, what they're doing is totally not right, I'm glad I'm not them." 

Your thoughts, your actions, even what you say can influence somebody around you so much in what they're doing in their own lives.

It's Not An Option

It's not an option, baby. I'm not letting go. It's not an option, baby. When you truly love somebody, it won't even be an option to leave. Any fights that you have with them will just be seen as pointless and you'll end up dropping it fairly quick.

Say something I'm giving up on you is not love... it's definitely meant to be that way, but honestly... if you love somebody, leaving them is not even an option.

Before you get in a fight with those you love, keep in mind the question,  "it really worth it?" Is this little fight really going to ruin your future together? If it really is, then get out.

Love is forgiveness and sincerity, not accusation and dishonesty. Are you giving love or are you giving hate? Remember the law of attraction... Whatever you give, you receive!

I understand that most of the advice that I give out is easier said than done, but maybe that's what we need in life... We need to quit over-complicating things, when we already know the simple answer.

Song of the Day: Squeaking Wheels and White Light by This Providence

Be That Change

The moment when you decide to stay the same, is the moment where your life will drastically drag you down. The moment when you decide to change yourself is the moment you will see the difference your life that you've been begging for. The moment when you decide to help somebody else change, is the moment you have come full circle.

Be the difference in the world, and inspire somebody else to change along with the want for you to become somebody better than you are now. We all can initiate the change in our life but we all, whether we admit it or not, need help in doing so. Why not help others when you know that you need help too? Maybe you are the person that'll change their life, or at least trigger their want for change.

I know that I have been able to change myself, and I've been working on helping others in their daily tasks. In fact, it's helped me with my own tasks because the same people will offer their help when I need somebody to lean on. Not only has initiating my change been beneficial on my religious side, but i's also been able to help me open up my social circle too.

I find myself more able to talk to people instead of being closed off like I used to. I'm meeting lots of new people by not just hanging out with the same people all the time, and changing up my regular schedule. I don't find myself alone very often-- unless I happen to be walking to the bus alone or staying after school when nobody else is there.

I know that initiating my change has been extremely beneficial to me and to my friends. I know that what I'm on the right track. My blog is here not only to notify each and every one of my readers about the things that are going on in my life, but also the things that I see all around me that make me inspired to uplift and motivate you all. I close by again saying, Be the difference in the world, and inspire somebody else to change along with the want for you to become somebody better than you are now.

Will You Be My Superman?

So, I decided to take a leap of faith and ask a certain somebody to girl's choice Harvest dance coming up the day before my blog's anniversary-- November 8th! We had talked in previous weeks about 'promposals' and creative ways to ask girls to a dance after I had been asked to Homecoming by Cameron. Because I thought the guy I asked was so good, and Clark Kent(played by Tom Welling) from Smallville, (an old TV series on the CW) is a good guy too, he made me think of Superman, who I've recently became more of a fan towards.

Anyways, I went out and bought some neon tennis shoes that I had been wanting, and planned away! I decided I wanted to buy some Supermanesque. duct tape. I ended up buying a nice dark blue shade and a nice dark red shade for my colors. I also found this awesome tape with the logo on it and everything! For the lid of the box, I taped it red. For the box itself, I taped it blue, and for the inside, I did the logo duct tape.

It was time to fill the box with whatever I thought would fit my superman theme. I knew exactly what to do! Again, I went off to Walmart to find a nice blue T-shirt. In all of my attempts, I couldn't find just a plain Superman shirt! Finally, I found this adorably awesome Superman shirt (that was EXACTLY what I was looking for, with a cape that could be attached with Velcro. One problem-- there was only one, and it was a size small, which I knew neither me or my crush would be able to fit into. In attempts to save the day, or "date" in my case, I called my mother to see what she could find out via the internet. Apparently in the Walmart I was at, that was the only shirt they had left in the store. But in the Walmart across town, I'd be able to find a ton of different sizes of that same shirt.

Let me tell ya, that other Walmart had a TON of Superman merch. I found myself oo-ing and ah-ing over nearly everything Superman related in the men's section. Varsity jackets, other cool shirts, and shirts that look like you're wearing a belt! Boy, was it super! I knew he would like what I was getting him, but I wasn't completely sure he even liked superman. Confident in my Harvest proposal, that was just missing this last piece, I decided to buy the two shirts that had the capes. I was super excited to give it to him the next day. On the lid of the box, I put "Jared, Harvest would be SUPER if you were my man." and on the bottom of the box underneath the T-shirt I put "Harvest? -Bek" Anyways, I got it to him on Tuesday the fourteenth and was really excited to find out his reaction when my friend Kiley gave him the box.

I was pretty happy and content after I had asked him considering I knew he'd taken a liking to the shirt as I had totally modeled it at my school that same Tuesday. Expecting a response the next day, or within the same week, I went about my day and went to mutual, and came home to lay in bed and text Tyler and James. When all of a sudden, I get a text from Jared asking,
"Do you put your dogs in at night?" and I responded with,
"Yeah, why?"
"Oh. I was wondering because they didn't bark..."
"What the heck? are you like.. at my house right now?!"
"Haha. Total stalker moment. Just go look just outside your gate."

I was totally surprised... he had been at my house... was he still here? I walked outside and all I could see was this golden balloon hovering above my yard. I went out to catch it, and since it looked like it was attached to the fence, or our tree, I went inside to get scissors and cut it loose, I pulled the balloon down and it read "I can't wait to "fly" you to harvest. -Jared" Oh you wouldn't believe how happy I was that he had say yes, especially since it was on the day of. Sure it was just an answer, but really-- it meant the world to me right then and there.

It was unbelievable. He totally made my day, and he told me ":) Thanks. And thank you for asking, it was creative and fun, and I totally didn't see it coming until I read the note. :)" Even just the thought that I had made his day, made me sleep easy because I knew that I might have turned his day around to make it better just by doing something as simple as asking him to a school dance. Maybe he was just being nice? Is that why he said yes?

The next morning, I was getting ready to go to Chick-Fil-A with my mom because she promised she would take me that Wednesday morning. My mom, letting out all the dogs into the front yard to go to the bathroom, wondered what was at the other end of the balloon string that I had cut loose the previous night. Turns out, it lead to a giant pile of candy and a bouquet of roses-- a dozen at that. She couldn't believe her eyes, as she was walking in, I spotted her with all of the stuff and knew it had to be for me. I started jumping up and down and was super excited. I couldn't believe he had done more than the cute little balloon he had given me last night. Reviewing our text messages, I noticed that in his last message he told me to"Just go look just outside your gate." It was my fault! I didn't look by the gate, I only got caught up in the balloon because it was so... super! I told him that he had made my morning and my night by leaving all of this stuff there for me.

Teasing me, my mom kept telling me that he went way too overboard to just say yes to me. In my mind, the balloon would've been enough... but I think he spent almost the same amount that I did in saying yes to me. I knew that he obviously cared and genuinely wanted to go with me because he got me my favorite flowers, my favorite chocolate and said yes in a creative way! Isn't it just perfect? Gosh, this date will be SUPER fun.

I'm "super" excited to get to know this kid.

Make An Adjustment

My life has changed so much already since I've started initiating my change! Not only have others reached out and included me in their friend-groups, but I'm starting to humble myself in helping and complimenting and strengthening my bonds with my close friends. Teenage years, to many, are the hardest years. But, what does a true friend do? Even though you may be going through a dark time now, you are still able to help those around you to lift them up so that they may help you do the same.
What do I need to be happy? The obvious answer is-- my religion, my family, and my friends.

I know that if we can put all of our effort into our three needs, our happiness will dramatically increase. Maybe it's just the law-of-attraction speaking, but hey. amen!

Recently, I was included in an amazing moment. My friend, Jared, invited me with him and his group of friends to go see "Meet the Mormons," a documentary about what we believe in, and the activities we do. At first, I was a bit skeptical in thinking that since it was a documentary, it would be really boring. Boy, was I wrong. The theater was laughing, crying, and just going through all sorts of emotions. I felt the spirit-- in a movie theater of all places! I totally recommend this movie, especially if you're looking into the gospel, or even looking to reaffirm your faith. It tells an amazing story about the lives of 6 latter-day-saints. It was amazing, and made me want to do more in the world.

Service! It's amazing, you guys. Even just commenting on somebody's Facebook status by telling them that they are beautiful can absolutely make their day. After all, it's not every day that I get called beautiful--especially since I'm single. Relationship statuses aside, I know in my heart that I don't need a man to be happy. All I need to know is that I'm a beautiful daughter of God, and I surround myself with people who see me as that, and so it's easy to "play the part." And you know what they say, be the character. But to be the character, you  have to change your life, and make adjustments to what you want to be seen as by other people. How can you adjust your life?

Adjust how you view yourself, and how others perceive you. Start becoming more thankful for all of the blessings that you already have. Find something reliable and solid to put your faith and trust in. For me, this is the gospel, and my family. Sure, friends are able to help you too, but they aren't always available. However, Christ and your family are always available to help. Become aware of your surroundings, stand in holy places and places you feel comfortable to grow and become a better person.

Playing the part, isn't always as easy as it may sound. Even I'm having a hard time adjusting to my changes, but that's why you need to surround yourself with the good in the world, and the things that you love. If we're always looking at the bad things in life, how can we find time to be grateful for all the things that we are given? How can we find something reliable if we, ourselves, are not? How can we become a better person in a sea of darkness? Make an adjustment, change something in your lives, and start by doing something for somebody else. How undeniably selfish it is of us to just sit around and complain about our lives, when there are magnificent people out there that are willing to help. You can be that person, that rock, for your friends and family, and make them want to reach up and be better people.

My Inspiration Leads To Initiation

As of late, I've had friends come to me asking for advice, or just spilling their problems to me. I'm not naming any names, but... I was feeling pretty good after the conversations I had with a lot of them. I'd give them the best advice that I could, and then I'd sit waiting for their response, and really, I was just glad that I was able to respond in a positive manner without getting myself  involved in the situation. I mean, sometimes, when people would want advice, and I really didn't care about them, I'd say something stupid like-- "Oh, I'm sorry", when I couldn't find anything smarter to say.

Recently, I've actually sat down and thought about it. If I am busy, I find the time later to do it. I mean... these people are coming to me for help. Isn't that just heartwarming? Knowing somebody out there needs you, or even cares about what you'd have to say in what's going on in their own lives. Even just hearing somebody else's personal problems, that may be too private to share with others makes me a little bit happy inside because I know that they wouldn't just share it with anybody. It is to them, I say thank you for trusting me ,of all people, with your problems.

It inspires me to keep this blog up and running because on here, my readers care about what I have to say, and what's going on in my life. It's pretty amazing what the world can do for you when you try to do so much for the world. (#LawOfAttraction) Even the thought of "I'm going to make a change" has brought me so many blessings, in knowing that there are people out there that support me through it all. The differences in my life have been overwhelming, but with the help of my Heavenly Father, I've been able to overcome them as difficulties, and see them more as opportunities. Thank you, everybody for supporting me through this change.

Even though so much has happened between me and a ton of different people at our school. I plan on just playing it cool, and not acting on anything that happens. After all, what's in the past is in the past. Ever since I made my decision to change for the better, I've been having so many clear thoughts. As clear as day. I know that in the past, I've talked about my loved-ones going and changing on me, but honestly-- I see that I'm starting to change too now. But... I'm initiating my change.

A Change For The Better

Recently, I've looked at myself and thought about all of my little faults. How could I expect somebody so perfect to just waltz into my life and love me the way I'll love them if I'm not trying my absolute best to be the best Bek that I can possibly be. I know that if I am to expect such high things from people, I need to expect the best out of myself, and make it happen.

Anyways-- I kept thinking about it and decided I needed to change, especially after talking to this missionary, who let's face it, is pretty much perfect and is on the right track (obviously). Anyways, I talked to him about scriptures and all the things that I knew I was supposed to be doing. Talking to him was a type of wake up call, along with conference that told me I needed to get  on the right track. How great is it when somebody plus your friends give you advice on how to improve your life in aspects that you don't know how?

Conference was possibly the best thing that's happened to me since I got dumped(besides my friends coming to my aide and stuff). It was amazing to hear the words of the prophet after knowing in my heart that I needed to change, and that I had to be the one to initiate that and make it happen. I couldn't just continue on in life without actually trying after conference after all the talks about getting a constant flow of inspiration and revelation and all sorts of amazing things about keeping the Gospel in your life, and standing in holy places. After conference, I was absolutely inspired. Especially since I got to talk about it with a couple different people about all the different talks that were given-- even my dad!

Looking back into my childhood, I have a lot to thank my dad for. Turns out, he's the one who taught me how to read, but more importantly, he taught me how to read and study my scriptures. Way back when I was in fourth grade, lived in Rexburg, and my sister had cancer and my parents were just initiating action on their divorce, me, my brother, and my father would all have scripture study together and explain each verse and put it into different easier-to-understand words. It was really nice looking back at it because I honestly think that was the year that I gained my true testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Now, half-way through the first trimester of my Junior year, I know that I need to act on that testimony, and start walking my talk. With the help and support of my friends and Heavenly Father, I know that I can do anything. Stay Inspired, kids.

The Difference

Just trying to recover from Penny's death this week, we went to Hastings and got some magazines that just so happened to have one of our dogs in it. Flipping through all the pages I found a page with all the horoscopes on it. Reading the Gemini portion, it told me that I had been thinking about my decision for some time now and that I needed to make my decision on the 18th. Freaked out, I decided I needed to look at what other sources said. This particular one (see picture) told me that I had been thinking about this choice for a while now and that it was time to make my choice. I was totally freaked out at that point. What the heck could it mean? Did it really mean I had to choose whether or not to be single or in a relationship... now? I still felt like I couldn't get it all straight within my mind. But, taking a leap of faith, I decided to try asking Hirschi to be my boyfriend. It was really embarrassing considering I stayed after school just to see him, and yet I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. He could somehow read my mind, and asked if I was trying to ask him to date me. Nervous as all else, I admitted defeat, and then he told me to wait until he asks me, which will probably be sometime next week. So I guess this means-- I'm single for now. But am I okay with getting back into a relationship after just three months? Is three months really enough time to stay single and be on the verge of jumping into something that's becoming serious?

At first, I really just wanted to date around and stay single for a while. Even my friends keep asking "Oh no, Hirschi's blowing me off! He doesn't want to talk to me! Ugh!" I'm not sure if it would be the right thing to jump in if quality time is something that I need in a good relationship. I told him about it, so I think he gets my point. He had no idea that I was mad at him the other day. I don't want to struggle in a relationship with him because honestly, I really like this kid. I get super nervous around him too I trip over my words constantly. During the Summer it didn't effect me as much, but I think that might just be because the information wasn't getting processed that I actually was on a date with the kid. I'm scared now. Would it be okay for me to just fall in love again? But with somebody else?
me if I'm 'still single.' It's probably because they think me and Hirschi should be together. But, there's things that I see that I know I might not be able to deal with. The other day he needed time alone, but I took it as

It honestly didn't help that I was trying to overcome emotions with my poor princess Penny being gone and the constant reminders at school that Dawson has moved on. I'm sick of the death glares from both of them. I feel like they want me dead. It doesn't make sense when Dawson texts me because I feel like he actually wants to be my friend, but then at school he's so different and it's like he doesn't even want to acknowledge my existence. I'll try to socialize with him, but he gives me the glare and talks to me with the voice of "Why are you even talking to me, Bek? I don't even like you." I genuinely don't understand. It's almost as bad as telling somebody-- "Everything you know is wrong." It hurts so much when somebody you thought was your best friend treats you like crap the way he did...
at he's had the nerve to compare me to his new girlfriend, Linsey. It's honestly the most demeaning thing a person can say besides

I feel like everytime he compares us, he's telling me that I was a terrible girlfriend but she's the best that he could ever ask for. It's okay for him to tell somebody that Linsey's the best girlfriend for him, but it's super rude to bring up something that I did that irritated him in the past, and compare it to how Linsey doesn't do it. It hurts, but it shouldn't. Everybody tells me to just stop talking to him, and not be friends with him anymore. But it hurts me so much to even try doing that. When you get so close to somebody like I did with him, it's hard to just drop him. I can't let go, but I continue to try. But the thing is-- I really want to be his friend. But how can I be friends with somebody that everybody knows treats me like I'm nothing? Even Tyler told me: "Delete that scrawny little bit** from your life, he's hurting you, making you feel awful... you don't need that, no one does" In a way, I really do agree with all my friends in that doing that would probably be the right thing to do. But I feel like if I do that, I'd be breaking a promise.

It totally doesn't help that today is Drawkah's would-be 2 year anniversary and that he's trying to text me as I type, but it's so hard for me to just drop him. The Dawson that's comparing me to Linsey right now, is not the one I know, as I said previously in earlier posts Post-Drawkah. How can I just-- betray Dawson like that? It wouldn't be keeping my word-- even after 2 years. My mother always told me that I'm super loyal, and that that's the reason why it's getting so hard for me to just let him go. Me and Daws promised we'd be best friends forever. But, right now it feels like I'm his enemy.

All these horoscopes/fortune cookies keep coming up with all these weird things. Saying things that I need to be emotionally strong, that I need to make a decision that will effect me long-term. But what could the decision be? Will I choose the right one? Will I mess things up? Will it be okay?

Everything Is So Different Now.

But Am I Ready For Difference?

My Little Princess

Turning around the car to pick up an overflowing box to take to Deseret Industries (D.I.), me and my mom discover that my dog, Penny, isn't looking too hot. We say "Penny, you okay, sis?" No response. Panicking, and assuming the worst, I start to pick up Penny... She was so cold... and limp. I panicked, even when I felt her breathing against my chest as I held her close. "We need to go RIGHT now." I say, panicked. Handing her to my mother to feel her, my mom says faintly "I think she's dying." In a complete rush, we went to our car, and drove down to our local vet in Rigby right next to the high-school.

As tears filled my eyes, I texted Jay... the only one who I knew I could count on. He understands completely what Penny means to me. He knows our story together. He knows that this was going to be super hard on me. I panicked, and told him to pray, as I closed my eyes praying for myself latching on tighter to Penny, I repeated my prayer again and again... I knew I could count on Jay. He knew how much she means to me. He was there for me, he was praying with me.
. I prayed for help for her, and if he couldn't save her... for me to be able to cope with losing her.

She's my little princess. She can't go. Bursting into the vet's office, we were served instantaneously even though they were closed, they waited for us to come. In a complete panic, I continued updating Jay. I was so scared. He told me that he'd hug me if he was there. Because I completely trust him, I told him where I was and told him that I needed him because of his complete understanding of how much she means to me. Stuck in the moment, I stayed by Penny's side... giving her what I thought to be her last belly rubs. Me and my mother grew very emotional, considering she's eight years old, half of my age. I couldn't let her go now... I didn't think I was ready to lose my constant companion.

Finding out he was actually coming, I went out and waited for James' comfort. As he pulled up, I walked over to his camo-colored truck, and threw my arms around him and hugged him tight as tears fell down from my eyes. He pulled me closer to comfort me. I kept thanking him, constantly for being there for me. It reminded me of old times, when we would quote what we thought to be our song. "Count on Me" by Bruno Mars, and how it still all rings true. In reality, I didn't actually think he would come because he used to say that he would, and he never ended up being able to... but now that he's actually able to make some of his own decisions... I can see that he really does care. It goes to show how very real our friendship really is. I'm proud to call Jay my best friend, best bro, and my inspiration. I look up to him so much, and even more so considering he dropped everything just to come comfort me.

We went into the vet to go see Penny. Turns out, she even sat up. She was doing so much better, she was breathing okay, and her temperature was finally going up. The vet told my mom he was going to keep her for a while to see what he could do to make her better. Knowing that Cameron was in a drive for Driver's Ed, (right next door) me and Jay decided to wait around for him to show up while my mom went to my grandma's. Jay kept me company, and even stuck around to hang out with me and Cam before he left. You know... because older brothers need to be there for their little sisters, even if we aren't actually related. We talked about random time periods of what happened when, referring to his past relationships like Jat, and Jamlia, and things.

It was nice having Jay and Cam around to help me when I was feeling like crap, even if my dog was doing just fine and in the vet recovering. Jay kept giving me the look like "You and Cam are totes adorbs." It was adorable, honestly. I was actually cheering up, and stopped worrying so much about my poor little princess. Jay eventually left, and me and Cam walked to his apartment talking about our current relationship, me being single, and him wanting me to be his girlfriend still.

Around six, my mom got a call from the vet, while we were on our way to Hastings. Mid-call, she turns to me and says "Penny passed..." Tears filled my eyes, and I started to call Jay. He was in total shock, "Are you seers?" "Yes..." I replied, faintly. After a while of telling him what had actually happened as my mom told me what to say, he told me I didn't seem too torn up about it, and that I sounded fine... and I replied that it was going to hit me in like two seconds. Pulling into the parking lot, I told him that I had to go, and he told me that I could count on him, and we said goodbye.

In Hastings, I tried so hard not to let the emotions get to me, I got my "+" album from Ed Sheeran, we bought some weird Rainbow Dash soda, and two magazines that had one of our poodles that we sold to a band member of the Wanted. (which is totally awesome, btw.) After getting in the car, and listening to the second track on +, entitled "Drunk" I burst out into tears. 

All by myself 

I'm here again 

All by myself 

You know I'll never change 

All by myself 

All by myself

I texted Jay, knowing that he'd understand how I was feeling... He comforted me just by knowing that somebody cared more than anybody else did about me. At that very moment too. Everybody else said stuff like "I'm sorry." and "Oh that's too bad." But Jay dropped everything for me. Isn't that what you'd call a true friend in that situation? He cared. He cared just like she did. I remember sitting at home crying for whatever reason, and Penny would come up to me and lay on her back and expect me to rub her tummy. It always did cheer me up because I knew that she knew that I needed some company. Is it bad to compare someone to your dog? I don't think so...if it's because they feel like family to you. Thank you, Jay. It means the world to me that you helped me when I was in desperate need of somebody who cared and understood as much as you did.

You can count on me like 1 2 3 

I'll be there And I know when I need it 

I can count on you like 4 3 2 

And you'll be there 

Cause that's what friends are supposed to do, oh yeah

Schedules and Self-Reliance

Alright, so since I've gone through my first three days of school now, I thought I'd speak my thoughts about what it's like to be a Junior or just be back in school again.

Being a junior has been super interesting so far. Interesting because I find myself feeling a lot more independent than I was last year. I mean... last year, I felt like I couldn't go ANYWHERE without a friend or a guy of some sort walking me around. This year, I've just done whatever I want to do. At first, I knew I had to figure out what friends were there at what lunch, and what class and what route I had to take to meet whoever I wanted to meet. But, as these past three days have rolled on, I find myself taking a random route, and hanging out with multiple different friends at the high school, and not relying on really any friend to make me happy!


Now... The real question is... Am I happy? Heck to the Yeah! I don't feel "stuck-in-a-rut" like last year, and the year before that, and the year before that. I feel free to do whatever I want, and be myself even when I may be around people that I may dislike. When I'm uncomfortable, I change that. I'm learning how to be more self-reliant. Maybe it doesn't seem like I'm any more self-reliant to those around me, but I'm discovering it more in myself.

Classes... Isn't that what being in school is all about? The pounding questions that you always find asking yourself. Is it going to be hard? Will I have or make any friends? Will I like the teacher? Oh boy, oh boy, that was exactly what was going through my head  as I marched along to each of my classes.

Trigonometry, a classroom that I've actually had before... with a teacher I've had before... but was I going to have any friends? The answer to that lovely question is heck to the yes! As I suspected, I had plenty of-- wait...  no I didn't. I had literally TWO people that were my friends in that class. Anyways.. at least I had somebody! Maddie and Braxton. But Maddie was clear across the room! Oh well.. I always find myself being me in Muir's classroom because she's not afraid to be herself and tease us all! So that class isn't much of a problem. Besides the overwhelming amount of homework.

Advisory, a class that I hoped never came back but came back anyways. I never really saw the point of this class considering that I've always been on top of my school work and been able to keep myself out of trouble. I don't see why the only way we can get kids to stop misbehaving is to reward them for doing what they're supposed to be doing. I mean, I think it's a good idea for the bad kids, but apparently we're going to have assignments in Advisory now... Which I think is totally lame because isn't advisory supposed to be about catching up in your other studies? But no, they give us more school work, and not just school work but BUSY WORK.

Chemistry, a classroom that I had to ask about, and a teacher that I hadn't heard anything about. Naturally, I was nervous as to what I would act like in that class considering my ex and his girlfriend were in that class too. Not knowing if I would have any other friends in that class, I sat behind Dawson considering we were friends, but you know... I got ignored, and felt totally unwelcome. Dane, entering the room, sits by all of us, and is shortly followed by Jared Antis. We check out books and so forth, and by the second day, I knew where to sit because I felt so unwelcomed by the group of people, I sat in the back and Jared came and sat next to me, which he didn't mind because we were sitting next to his other friend, Daniel. Dane, Linsey, and Dawson made their group of three their lab group. Because I had sat by Jared, and his other friend, Daniel, I was included in their lab group too. Trying to be friendly, I'd shoot smiles at anybody who happened to be glancing at me to show that I meant no harm, and that I was just at school to have some fun and further my knowledge.

Chambers, the main class I was worried about because I loved Burrows, and I wasn't sure how Rasmussen would control the class in general. Meanwhile, I had kinda sorta forgotten that Dawson just happened to be in that class too, and that he was wanting to switch out because he's 'not interested in choir anymore.' Worried that that was going to happen, I constantly kept trying to see how he was taking it all in, and digesting that he was in choir, and all of us were having fun. I was trying to make sure that he was in spite of not wanting to lose a member... but I'm not completely sure it worked. I eventually gave up on him by the third day, considering he'd glare at me... But... I made myself happy! Even if it meant that I had to be a little cocky, but hey! Fake it till you make it! I had tons of fun with James, Krista, Madi Dunn, Maddie, and Janae, and everyone else in choir! I had tons and tons of fun in Chambers. Mr Ras is actually a pretty amazing teacher! He still makes choir fun! Even if he doesn't have Burrows' same charm. #StillLovinChoir

US History, another class that I was kind of worried about, but not teacher-wise... grade-wise. I kind of convinced myself that I'm not all that good in History in general, so going into this class I was nervous. Of course, I walk in and I see my friends! We've got Keely, Dakota, Braxton, and Jared! Thank gosh! Finally a class where I can be myself... especially since we've got Keely! Oh man, but my confidence turned to worry quickly. We took a pre-test and I swear, that thing was difficult. I wouldn't be surprised if I got almost every answer wrong. The only question I was super sure of in the entire pre-test was the one that asked when Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue.. 1492! Duh! Anyways, after that pre-test, we ended up getting a seating chart-- a completely RANDOM seating chart. We drew cards! And the cards were randomly distributed across the classroom and your card had to match your desk. So lo and behold, I was separated by pretty much all of my friends. Jared was still on the same side as me, but a while over to where I probably wouldn't be able to catch his attention. Braxton was in the opposite corner trying to get my attention and trying to make me get on my phone and text him. Keely was across from me, but she was 3rd in her row, and I was second. Dakota, was a couple rows over from me but he was in the front, so it was easy to try to communicate with him. As class went on, it was easy to get bored and more bored of all that was happening. Hopefully, I can find a way to make that class more fun for me.

English, a class that I wasn't too worried about considering I love to blog, and blogging is tied in with writing. However, I knew that the teacher was gonna be pretty cool due to the fact that James and Mrs. Cheret are like... best buddies. Friends? Oh heck yes! I knew Linsey, I knew Courtney, and my buddies were Ryan, Tyler, and Kenzyl. Sweet! I actually have some friends in this class. Even after the seating chart, me and Tyler were still right next to each other so I wasn't worried at all! Except for the fact that... I knew that Cheret was not going to like our class. We had jocks that wouldn't shut their faces, and I even let her know that in the letter she had us write to her. I told her that that was my only concern considering they take all the attention off of the subject of English. I've never really gotten along with football players considering they always think they're all that and that everybody loves them and that the class is all about them screwing around and messing with the teacher. Anyways, she tried to separate them as best as she could, but you know... Football players, or at least the ones that are in my class attract attention no matter where they sit and disrupt the class just the same when they're not sitting by each other. Anyways, other than the dumb popular kids, Cheret's class is kind of fun.

Keeping My Friends Close

I honestly love my friends with all my heart. Within the past two weeks, I've had a really awesome party, two awesome sleepovers and time with my chicas. I'd be so lost without them. My friends are the ones who keep my sanity in check. I have to hand it to them for putting up with me through all the crap that I've put them through. But what are friends for? Sure, I put up with their crazy crap, but they're there to put up with mine, But if friends can't handle me at my worst, they don't deserve me at my best. #LoveMyChicas #ThankYouKiley #ThankYouMary #ThankYouGabby #ThankYouSienna #ThankYouTyler #ThankYouKrista

My love life is pretty much complicated. I have to laugh at myself for it though. Me and Sienna always joke about me having the love life of a nun, because lately I just haven't really talked about it with anybody besides James. It's been so weird lately. I mean... I get Cameron asking me to be his girlfriend and yet here I am saying no, and I find myself pushing myself away. Then I get Coleman on my mind and find a way to tell myself whatever... he's so over me anyways. But... there is somebody that's actually interested, but I keep telling myself that he's getting over me too. I'm not sure why though... I mean... it's pretty obvious that he likes me.

I get so insecure when things like this happen. He'll send me a one liner and sometimes I just end up not even responding because I find myself thinking he doesn't even want to talk to me. But hey, it's just a text message. It's not like he actually says it in the tone of voice that I think that he's saying it in. I was sick of it... so I decided to text him last night about it.

Bek: You don't say much...
Cameron: Thats not true
Bek: I mean like... Text-wise
Cameron: Ok that's a little bit true.
Bek: Yeah no offense, but its hard having a conversation with you when I feel like you don't wanna talk to me with some of your responses. 
Cameron: I'm sorry if it's like that. But I do want to talk to you I like talking to you it's just I don't know how to respond.
Bek: Just be yourself =P The one liners are getting to me. 

*At this point, I totally fell asleep and woke up to these texts*

Cameron: I am being myself its just I really like you and sometimes don't know what to say.
Cameron: Hun you still up?
Cameron: Since you're not I want to say good night and I miss you. You've given me a chance with you when I thought I would never get another one. Thank you.

Not knowing what to reply with, I just kind of... smiled at the fact that he still likes me but at the same time, I'm so confused as to what to feel about this thing. I mean... I want to be single right now. I'm so not looking for a relationship, but I find myself stumbling upon someone that might actually be worth keeping around. I know I kind of like him and stuff, but so far it's only been sort of a crush. I'm honestly scared. I don't want to fall for someone right now. Especially since I just got out of a super long relationship. In a way, I feel like I'd be betraying Drawkah... which in a way, I am... but Drawkah is over. I just wish I could accept that it's okay to be with somebody else.

The nightmares are getting to me. I keep dreaming that I'm getting picked on by everybody because I'm not with Dawson anymore. It's so embarrassing waking up to myself wiping tears away. The words echo in my head, random strangers coming up to me saying "I'm soooo glad you're not with Dawson anymore." as they push me to the ground. Hoping to get these dreams out of my head, I started trying to hang out with my friends more. I've been super clingy with them too. Any chance I'm given I've tried to hang out with them. I know that they won't make fun of me Post-Drawkah.

The nightmares aren't just about Drawkah though. I've had nightmares about Cameron too. About him getting super attached and me not knowing how I feel and just everything being so different than it is now. I shouldn't be scared of what I might have with him, I mean... the whole reason I like Cameron is because I feel totally comfortable around him. I hope that isn't changing at all, but if it is, I can't really help that I'm dreaming about that sort of thing.

I'm totally scared going into this new school year. I'm freaked out about what to expect. Am I gonna get totally dissed? I hope I can keep my friends around, and close at that. I don't want to turn into an emotional wreck at school. That's the last thing I need.