He Lifts Me Up

Even if we're not together... he still helps me through everything. His kind and caring words when I'm falling apart. He's always been there. Isn't friendship just amazing? Isn't that what friendship is all about? He's the voice in my head when I have tears in my eyes telling me that everything is going to be alright and telling me not to cry. Even if we've had our crumbling moments... we've still been able to help lift each other up, and in all honesty, I'm so grateful for him and all of his help. Who is he? Oh.. just an old friend of mine.. Somebody that I used to know, but have gotten to know much better in the past month.

Instead of leaving me feeling hopeless, he fills me up with hope for the future and gives me faith to believe that whatever the future holds it'll be full of something better than what I have now. Whatever the ending goal is... he makes it seem spontaneous. He's honestly my best friend right now. Whenever something happens, I run to him knowing that he'll actually care. I mean.. he makes me feel good inside. He makes me feel like I can do anything I set my heart to. I am Diamonds. He helped me see that. Even just chatting over Facebook with him makes me see the good in myself.

Earlier today, I was falling apart inside because I had woken up from a very intense nightmare that questioned everything that I knew in my heart. I felt like crying, but he told me not to.. He comforted me. He said. "Rebekah. I love you okay? Listen to this one by them. Acoustic just like you love. Listen to the words of it. I love the words so much." Hopelessly, I clicked the link trusting that it would be alright.

He was right... it was perfect. It was exactly what I needed.

The lyrics swept me off of my feet, and wiped out every inch of doubt in myself that I had at that moment. Normal friends would've just nodded when I told them my nightmare and they would've told me to shake it off, and say that it it was bad but it's a good thing it didn't happen in real life. Afterwards, we talked about just random things like Coldplay and just.. things that were on our minds. But, this was the highlight of my day. 

Thank you... for cheering me up.

Where Will This Take Me?

So, me and Cameron finally went on our first date together, and let me tell you... That was the most fun I've had in quite some time. and I actually felt comfortable around him and everything. There's so much potential between us, and we had tons of fun.

First, we went to Rigby Lake and swam around a bit with his little brother while his mom swam across the lake. Apparently when you take two big rocks and hit them together underwater, it makes your stomach hurt, and it hurts your ears if your head happens to be underwater too. It was kind of weird, but interesting to discover. I actually ran into a friend of mine, and so we talked for a bit. Apparently, he didn't know about Dawson dumping me so I just told him I was on a date, and then I swam back to Cameron. I had a lot of fun at Rigby Lake with him. It had been a while since I had swam though so I kept getting foot cramps. Aside from that, it was pretty much perfect.

After that, we chilled at his place for a bit and then headed over to the 'surprise movie'. We went to the cheap seats to go see Edge of Tomorrow. Oh boy, it was so good! It was kind of like Groundhog Day but with a lot more action. I'd totally recommend it.

I felt a lot more comfortable sitting there with him than the first time we hung out, because I knew that he liked me back. If he didn't he wouldn't have asked me out. As we sat there, I found myself wondering what it was like to be in his shoes. I kept thinking things like I hope I'm not too clingy and I hope this wasn't a total flop for him. Gosh, I kind of hated to admit it but I really do have a crush on this kid. We held hands almost the entire date, and it was easy to tell he liked me back just the same. It was the look in his eyes. I kept wondering if he could see it in my smile.

I get home and think to myself wow. just wow. It's not like we kissed or anything, but I knew there was something there whether it be just mistaken for chemistry, or just a really strong friendship. What do I have to gain from this? Well, it depends where this takes me. Of course, I'm not looking for anything serious right now, but I am willing to go on another date with this guy.

Of course, love isn't really in my priorities right now, my top priority right now is me, and making myself happy and making sure that I'm doing alright... independently. There's a lot of things that I've learned Post-Drawkah. I find myself having the same thoughts that I did Post-Jakeah. I can live without him. It's perfect though, it's spot on with what I'm trying to accomplish for me. Priority One is being me.

Do I have other crushes? Of course. I wish me and my other crush talked more than we do now though. He likes to stay up late and talk to me, and I like doing that too, but lately I go asleep around 11. So when he texts me at 12 or 1 a.m., I'm already asleep. I've also been pretty busy this past week, so I hadn't found time to talk to him all that much. Not gonna lie, I wish that him and I got more time to just talk and tease each other... mostly about Legend of Zelda since I'm always playing it whenever he calls. It's kind of funny considering that I'll die, and then he'll tell me to just try harder. And then there's Tom Welling, Ed Sheeran, and Adam Levine. Yep. I said it. They're all sexy as heck. Not Ed Sheeran though. I just love his voice. But yeah. It's good to see where life takes me right now.

Song-Of-The-Post: Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran

First Date

My first date? Bridger took me to go get some Dairy Queen, and I ended up ordering just an order of medium fries and a small Georgia Mud Fudge milkshake. After that, we headed over to the theater where we pretty much just talked about several different things, followed by the new Hercules with Dwayne Johnson. Hercules was pretty much amazing! Bridger and I pretty much agreed that 'The Rock' did an amazing theatrical performance. After that, we just sat and talked more about families and things like that until his mom showed up and he got some Taco Bell, and we headed back to my place.

I had a lot of fun with him! It's amazing how two people can bond over one Rock... or uh. THE Rock.

Everything Is Going To Be Just Fine, Dear.

Not only am I going on one date this week, but I'm actually going on two! Cameron ended up asking me out today on a date for Saturday. He won't tell me what we're doing yet, because apparently it's a 'surprise' I'm really nervous about tomorrow though. Of course going on dates is all about exploring your feelings with one another, but I don't even know if I have feelings for Bridger to begin with! Of course I had a crush on him way back when, but that's not now anymore. I convinced myself I was over him. Who knows? Maybe him and I do have something. If we do, then I'd love to explore that even more. We'll see how it goes I guess.

After Drawkah went up in flames, I figured everything was just... over. But since then, I've found my hope again. Not hope for Drawkah exactly, but just hope for Bekah. "Everything is going to be just fine, dear." I whisper to myself late at night. "You are diamonds." Everything happened so fast, even in my dreams. It was just like the nightmares, and it even reoccurred like them too. I can still remember him whispering in my ear, "Bek, I'll never wake up and not love you anymore." But things change... People Can Change. One second, you're dancing on the tops of building and singing the one you love a beautiful love song, and the next, your bones are shattered because you tripped when everyone around you told you it was going to be just fine. But hey, what you do is let the medics help you up and get some surgery done on you!

Total Do-Over. That's what you do when you're single. Not only do you pick yourself up and fix yourself with the help of your family and friends, but you put yourself out there. People need to know that you're alright, and that you're dateable. At least that's the experience I've gone through. Start texting other people other than just your ex. That's what I've done, and it's worked miracles. He's not on my mind 24/7 like he used to be. Instead, I'm concentrating on me. Who needs the boys to tell you how pretty you are when you're the one who makes it happen every day? <3

When it comes to self love, being pretty doesn't have anything to do with it, even though it may make you feel better inside to see that you're comfortable in your own skin. What do you do when you find yourself disgusted with the way you look? You fix it. Get up off of your booty, and do something about it. Don't just sit there and hate on yourself, do you think other people will love you if they see that not even you like yourself? Self-Love and Confidence are super attractive. But insecurities and put-downs will get you nowhere.

I can even testify this point, whenever I'd put myself down in Drawkah, we'd end up having some major problems. But with my experience with just talking to these other guys, they find it so attractive that they don't see me moping around, and instead they see me picking myself up and patting myself on the back, and telling myself I'm diamonds and that anybody would be lucky to be with me. And guess what? I'm right. I am a Daughter of God. In fact, all of us are Children of God. Anybody would be lucky to be with one of us. We are all special in our own quirky little ways. That's why we're so attracted to one another.

Picture this... You see your dream guy/girl crying on the floor with a knife beside them, and blood pouring out of their gut. When you run up beside them, they whisper in your ear "I was never good enough..."

This is the reason why bullying is not okay. Find somebody who is going to raise you up instead of put you down, and cling tight to them, with the support of your friends and family. You wouldn't want anybody you love to end up like this... Treat everybody with kind words and acceptance. What if all of that happened after you guys got in a fight? Then you'd feel just terrible for the words you may have said. Believe me, I've had that nightmare millions of times. Being mean, gets you nowhere. But standing up for yourself, and your friends is a different story. There's a fine line between the two. Think about what you say to those around you, you never know what they're going through until you've been through it yourself.

Today's Lesson: Love Everyone. It's important that you treat everybody with respect and the way you would want to be treated. Being considerate about other's feelings is everything in communication and relationships in general, not just lovers, but friends and family too.

Songs-Of-The-Post: My Beautiful Rescue by This Providence and A Sky Full Of Stars by Coldplay

My Beautiful Rescue: (callback to 2nd paragraph) "One second, you're dancing on the tops of building and singing the one you love a beautiful love song, and the next, your bones are shattered because you tripped when everyone around you told you it was going to be just fine" Oh, how amazingly accurate this song really is, the real lyrics for the 2nd verse of the song is:

I've been dancing on the tops of buildings.
At the top of my lungs I'm singing you a song.
Don't you leave me alone.
My bones were shattered.
My pride lays shattered.
Well I'll trample my pride and tell the whole world.
To dance with me.

A Sky Full Of Stars: In our own little ways, we're all a sky full of stars. It just depends on how brightly we want to shine. Don't dim your light, if anything shine it brighter! NEVER be afraid of being yourself. It makes you, you!

Keep Calm And Be Confident

Life has gotten so dang confusing and hectic for me. One minute I think I'm falling for somebody, the next I find myself pissed off about almost nothing with Dawson. All the twists and turns, and the appointments and the scariest part is I still find myself absolutely clueless about what's going to happen to me next. The stress has gotten to me.

I'm confused about my feelings with certain guys, even though I know that it probably doesn't even matter. I'm scared about going on a date with Bridger, because I'm not even sure that I'm ready to go on a date, but at the same time, I feel more than ready. I'm not sure if Dawson even wants to talk to me, or if it's just because he's lonely because his girlfriend can't text him. Life is just out of control right now, and I need to get a grip of it.

As I talk to certain friends, I find myself loving life and wanting to go out and do more, and I feel a lot more confident because I know that I am diamonds and that anybody would be lucky to even be friends with me. But, when I talk to other friends, I find myself confused and alone and even having thoughts like "nobody wants me," even though my heart and my mind is egging me on telling me that I'm amazing and beautiful and should be confident in myself.

What's the solution? I haven't got a clue. But I have been trying different things. I bought this exclusive hair shampoo and conditioner to make my hair softer, I started my diet, I'm exercising more, I'm off of my phone more than usual, and I'm all about improving me. So that maybe, just maybe, I can become a whole lot more  CONFIDENT. At times it's been working, but other times, it's gotten kind of hard to keep up the happy act, and that's where I draw the line and just have fun. I listen to music, I watch a movie, I do whatever it takes to keep my mind off of the drama that is my life.

The thing is-- it's not just drama. There's more. I have this spot on my leg, and I'm pretty sure that it's exyma. It's kind of scary looking considering that it won't go away and it changes colors every now and then from pink, almost skin color, to red, and standing out. I've had this spot on my leg since May! I've even talked to my dermatologist. About 3 weeks ago, he gave me this cream to use for, you guessed it, 3 weeks! I used the cream, and at first it made a big difference and it looked like it was healing, but then it just paused where it was, and stopped the healing process and it just won't go away now.

Not only do I have this weird spot on my leg, but I have back problems, but it's just not any back problem, it's this weird condition, that I can't remember the name of, anyway, I need to be taking these calcium pills, four a day to be exact. Apparently my back is too curved in and my joints are mashed together and so that's why my back hurts. I even had to stay home from church today because of the pain. I'm supposed to be doing some lower back exercises for it, but let me tell you this, Girls Camp was a trial because of my back.

Intentions

Hey guys! I'm finally back from camp, and let me tell ya, I had a blast! All the girls were just so amazing and fun to be around, and it was so fun just being able to get away from all the technology and being able to share our testimonies and just strengthen friendships with the other girls, and with some of the leaders as well. 

Anyways, when I got home, I had plans to go hang out with Cameron, aka Hirschi, up at his place. I was pretty excited considering that I was attempting to explore my feelings with him and see how he treated me and stuff. I was kind of nervous heading up there because I knew that he liked me, but I didn't want anything majorly big to happen while we hung out with this little brother.

So me and Hirschi had tons of fun as we made fun of Jungle Book with his little brother Derreck. After that, me and him played this card game called Mille Bourne. It was interesting. I hadn't played it before, but I couldn't stop giggling because of all the stupid cards I was getting and I couldn't do anything with them because they were useless to accomplish the goal that I had. It was pretty ridiculous. For a while me and him were tied, and then I just started getting really stupid cards and he got way ahead, and I fell back with nothing but green lights and repairs, and weird cards that had almost no purpose. 

After that, we sat down and watched Hercules, DISNEY of course, and it was PRICELESS. I could not stop smiling, I love that movie so much, and it was so fun to watch it with both of them. Because I knew that I had to go home soon, I leaned over to Hirschi and was going to hug him, and he kind of leaned in as if I was going to kiss him, and then as I pulled back... his parents walk in. It was so embarrassing they totally thought me and him were going to kiss, and as I tried to defend myself, they thought it looked completely sketchy. So yeah, I was accused of having intentions of kissing their son. Which I wasn't going to do in the first place... Kissing? I mean... Kissing? No... We held hands during those movies, but that wasn't really anything big.

As we sat in the car, Derreck separated the two of us, and it pretty much sucked because I was sure that his parents didn't like me one bit after what had just happened. I tried to just be casual and act like nothing happened, but it was hard considering that they kind of flipped and stuff. I hope I didn't screw up whatever it is me and Cameron may or may not have together. I'm so unsure about my feelings right now. I don't really want to lead anybody on, or break any hearts, or fall in love too quick, or fall and break my own heart, but with somethings you just have to kind of... jump for it! Maybe that's what Cameron was doing. He looked like he was leaning in to kiss me, I was convinced that he was, but... he was just putting himself out there. I'm really flattered, but I'm just not ready... at least not right now.

Come to think of it, I'm kind of scared of everything right now. There's so much happening with my love life, with my health, with my friends, It is pretty scary. I need somebody to lean on, and there's so many people that I know that I can trust, but I don't want to bother them, because if I do, they might get annoyed, or not even care. But... that's what friends are for right? 

In fact, that's what blogs are for. I address my concerns, worries, and just anything on my mind. Experiences. Experiences are just... everything. What you do in certain situations show your true character and what kind of a person, or a friend, you are to those around you. If you're able to control how you respond or act when something happens to you, you may be able to turn your life around and smile through all the hard times, and of course the good times, and live care free. But, in a way, we're all trying to improve as much as possible. You just have to take the chance, and jump for it! Stand up for what you believe in.

Turn Around, Bright Eyes

Nervous about all of the above, I started to just... give up. Why should I even care? He doesn't care about me... or at least he says he doesn't. Drawkah was over. I started to talk to his mom about his issues with me, and just asking simple questions like why is he so different right now? But it turns out that nobody really knew. We had our speculations that something else was just happening in his life and he was reflecting his emotions onto me, and just not thinking about what he was doing. But honestly, could it have been me this whole time? Was I really annoying him like he said I was doing? He sent me "Anyway I hope you forget me cuz imma forget it all I'd rather not speak to u in person anymore just stop talking to me and Gav cuz we have grown sick n tired of ur dang drama.. We don't wanna hear it anymore can that get through to u!?" My heart hurt... He just stabbed it with a knife... First annoying? Then just... A drama queen? I didn't want to believe a single word... It all hurt too much.

The next day, my wonderful friend Gabby asked if she could come over because she was worried about how I was doing because honestly, this past month I haven't even been "Bek"... I've been some weird impostor that's just depressed all the time, and clueless about everything that's happening. Things were running through my head like none other about what needs to happen, and how can I fix things with everybody? It's all my fault... When she came over, I told her everything. What was her reaction? Oh... She just assured me that nothing that had happened was my fault, and that I'm diamonds and can do a million times better than the treatment I was receiving from nearly everyone in my life. We pretty much just had a bunch of fun, and as soon as she left... I started questioning myself again... Was she just saying all that because I'm her friend? What can I do to turn this thing around?

Me and Coleman had started talking a day or two after me and Dawson had broken up the 3rd time, and I had pretty much told him my situation, not all of it, but in a nutshell. He was there for when me and Dawson had gotten in that final fight, where he didn't want to be friends with me, and he was just there for anything that I was needing. I couldn't believe it was all actually happening. Drawkah? Broken up? Coleman, and a ton of my other friends kept telling me to keep my chin up, and smile about what lies ahead, and not to worry about the past because it's already happened. Those friends were all being so... nice. I gave up the feel sorry for me act and just... was ready to be happy again. It wasn't easy of course, seeing as how everything that I thought would stay set in stone, flew away like gravel on a country road. But I was doing better.

Me and my other friend, Hirschi started talking again, because the past 2 or 3 weeks he had been out of the house, and grounded, and he had also drowned his phone and lost my number. We started talking again, and me and him... clicked. It was kind of scary though considering I didn't want to fall for anybody anytime soon, but it was happening. I started falling for two guys at once. Now me and these two wonderful guys are just... flirting. Hirschi even asked me to be his girlfriend last night, but I had to turn him down, because I know I need to see what else is out there, even though I couldn't lie that we both had a connection.

Me and Coleman talked for 3 or 4 hours last night, just about random things, and we kept making each other smile just talking and talking and talking. We both didn't want to hang up on each other, but he was getting so tired that I was just like alriiight, I'm gonna go. But it was so fun talking to him, and there's a connection with me and Coleman too. We always play the question game, and last night he even asked me what our combined nickname would be, we decided that if we ever end up happening, we're going to be Bekman. Which is totally hilarious. But then there's those moments when you wake up the next morning, and think to yourself.... everything's so different.

This morning, I talked to Dawson, and we became friends again... I know that us as a couple would never work out, and that Drawkah is pretty much doomed right now. And it's not only me who sees that. It's everybody around us. They all saw it blow up, and Gabby even made me promise never to get back with him after what he put me through... because for all we know, it might happen again with somebody else. But yeah, I totally agree with that right now, and it's definitely taking time trying to get over him, but I know in my heart and in my mindset that I can do anything I put myself into. I'm completely fine with me and Dawson just being friends. I guess it really wasn't meant to be... but this past week and a half has definitely made me realize that there's so many other people out there, even though Dawson was the one I wanted, I should just go test the water, and see what else is out there. And honestly, I've been able to turn it all around, and be happy about things again.

My Dawson Sense is Tingling

He knows all my concerns and worries, but never at the right time. It seems we're in this loop of conversation in the past. I feel like I'm talking to the Dawson that doesn't really care instead of the one that drops everything when he gets a text from me.

I know that spending time with family and stuff is really important,  and I know he's been super busy, but I just wish he still had time for me. I feel like I'm being pushed aside. I dont need to be his #1 priority right now, I just want to feel loved.

Do I feel loved right now? Honestly, I'm terrified just thinking about him. Have any of you felt that sharp pain that makes it hard to swallow, and keeps you up all night just... worrying? He has no idea that I'm so scared right now, but only because he's probably with Gavin

I keep telling myself that it is not a big deal, and that I should just shut up and deal with it because hey, they're blood brothers. They need quality time.

As the tears continue to stream down my face from sheer worry, and the pain gets sharper, I feel my heart slowly breaking as if I know that something bad is happening, or else my self conscious is assuming the worst. I'm so scared. So...delusional? So...Overwhelmed?

...

"Nothing even happened. I'm just lonely." I continue to say to myself. But who knows? I can't even comprehend or put into words my emotions right now. I Miss Him.

Thoughts of him run through my head,  all the good times and all the bad times, which stuck out more because of what we've been able to get through. Why now? Why must I question what I already know? I know he loves me, so why do I feel like something's wrong? Is it JUST because I miss him, or is it because he's in trouble? I don't understand.

Helping Out

So, I thought that I'd start being a better person, and living up to my title... Lil Miss Epic and to inspire my inspirations. So, the past two days, I've been helping out with all that I can. Two days ago I helped Sienna clean her house to prepare for her bonfire that she was having later that night even though I couldn't go. Also, the day before that I asked Dawson's mom, Valorie if I could come to her house and help her clean for her upcoming wedding.

So, yesterday I went down to their place and started to help organize things and get things in order. All in all, I felt like I didn't help much, but they all said that I was tons of help, so I guess I did good! I even helped Dawson clean his room, and got stains off of his art desk that were "permanent." Apparently to them, I had the 'magic touch.'

After cleaning, I offered to help with Val's projects, but she said that I was free to just go play with Dawson. So, we went downstairs and played some Xbox until she wanted us to help some more. I had so much fun doing service. I think that it was a lot more productive and fun than doing Family History work at mutual. I'm so glad that I was able to come and help out.

It was really nice knowing that they actually don't mind my presence. They actually enjoyed me being there with them, I could tell! It's such a difference from my ex's family, who would call me all these mean names, and wouldn't even give me a chance. I actually feel like if Dawson wasn't even my boyfriend, I would still be friends with his family. They're so nice and fun to be around, especially well... my boyfriend! It was cool seeing how he would treat me around his family as they told me jokes and old stories of what they used to go through in their old home back in Cokeville.

Today, after thanking Val for having me over to come and help, and offering help in the future, she asked me if I wanted to come over tomorrow to help them make cookies for the wedding. It sounded like fun, so I accepted her request, and will hopefully be able to go tomorrow. All I'm waiting on now is for my parent's okay on the invite.

Yesterday, I had a blast! Who knew cleaning could be so much fun? I forgot what it was like to be part of a big family like theirs. I mean, I used to have two siblings and a mother and dad all in one house. It was kind of awesome to see them all interacting and teasing each other and playing games, and wrestling and all of that other fun sibling stuff. I actually felt like I was part of their family for a bit. Oh how I long for that kind of relationship, and I have it in my grasp!

Day One: Withdrawal

All I know about his whereabouts is that... he had a nightmare last night at 2 a.m. When I woke up around 3 a.m, and checked my phone i asked him to tell me about it, and I haven't gotten a reply ever since... and it's 3:26 p.m.! At times like these, I question myself. Is he at his home just being tired? Or is he at his home just being tired of me?

Of course this is an obvious question, no! Sure he might be asleep right now, but most likely he's either gotten his phone (and all other tech) taken... (again) or he just needs to be left alone. Even though the answer is simple, I find myself wanting to scream out in rampage and wonder why! I mean... I already miss him even though it's just the first day of Summer vacation... but I just wish... i just wish somebody would tell me what's going on. Of course, I don't mean to be that controlling girlfriend wondering where he is at all times, and what's going on in his life, but all I ask from him right now is an answer to let me know that he's alright.

I doubt I'm going to get this 'answer' anytime soon... but hey! For all I know, he could be driving somewhere, or at work (because he never tells me when he's at work), or who knows what! This might even be a good thing! I know I can go a long time without talking to him, but gosh dang this sucks! Why does this all have to be so hard?

For The Summer

Goodbye highschool, goodbye drama... Goodbye Mr. Burrows, Goodbye my fellow students, and goodbye to my most wonderful group of friends. I look forward so much to hanging out with all of them later this Summer, but it still sucks that I won't be able to see them every single day like I do at school. It's amazing what we all can take for granted as we're at school. With deep though I've been able to realize that all those assignments that help us work our way up to the final help us, all our teachers do care whether we pass or not, and our true friends will be there for us no matter what.

Through random things this month like my birthday, and my first two dates, I've had my ups and downs throughout it all... The thing that I'll miss the most? Having somebody to look up to. I know that to some, I may be the inspiration, but... now I've lost all the students/teachers that I look up to the most. Mr. Burrows is gone, Cade Davie, Mariah Harper, Jacee Wright, and all of my other fantabulous seniors are all gone. But on the bright side, I still have those wonderful beautiful people that I can look to that are there right by my side... like Sienna Wareham and Dawson Hammond. Those two really care, and a lot more care about me as well. Those two care about me 24/7, whether or not they think I'm dead from laughing to hard, or from a broken heart.

I have a feeling that this Summer is going to be simply fantastic! I'm very very excited for getting to go swimming, and hanging out with my friends, and seeing some of the new movies that are coming out that look good. Even tonight I'm going out to hang with my friends Tyler Anderson and Sienna Wareham. =D Aren't they just the best? They're taking me out to fast food, and we're gonna go watch a film at Paramount. (we don't know which one yet) I'm so excited! Tonight's gonna be so much fun!

For the Summer, life will come to a screeching halt. But at the same time, we will still be moving.. just very slow because we'll be having too much fun to grow up like we ought to. Isn't Summer amazing? Isn't Summer exciting? <3 Have an amazing Summer, my little inspirations <3 Do What You Desire!

Who's To Say What Love Is?

Throughout life, we always hit lows and highs. Since I've probably hit one of my all time lows, I've been very sad, depressed, and even suicidal at times. But you know who's been there through all of it? Dawson. He's constantly here for me, he's supporting every decision for me that leads me down the right path, and makes it so that I may have a brighter future ahead. He makes me smile, giggle, and overall, he makes me happy. 

Lately, people have been trying to tear us apart because it's not right to have a boyfriend at 16, and so I'm supposed to drop him and date other guys. My personal problem with this is-- I don't want anybody else. I'm not even interested in trying, so what's the point? Why drag me away from my happiness? If anything, I need him more than ever right now. I know that they are just trying to tease me about all of this, but Dawson is much much more than just a boyfriend to me. Dawson is my best-friend, and even my soul-mate. I, personally, have never been as happy as I am when I'm with him.

Why should I try the other flavors of ice-cream when my favorite flavor is right in front of me, and just looking at the other flavors makes me sick, and uninterested. In two days, Dawson and I will have hit our 20th month anniversary. 4 months away from our 2 year anniversary. Can I just say that time flies when you're in love?

Adults constantly laugh at me, and tell me that I don't know what love is. Who's to say what it is anyways? To me, this is the highest form of happiness. Isn't that all that matters? Isn't that what love is? Putting others before you put yourself? Through everything, he supports me, and helps me through everything. He's always concerned, and I know for a fact that I return that favor. I've never cared so much about somebody who isn't family. 

Love is all about giving high frequencies of happiness to other people, so that it may bless their lives and make them happy, and make you happy overall, as those blessings will travel from person to person and eventually come back to you. And the best part, it starts with you. Not what that other person. I leave you with this... Give love. Sure, at times it is a challenge, but when you give love, you will receive love.

Losing My Mind

Every day I come home and wonder how I'm doing, and how I can improve myself for the day to come... Lately, I've come home and have been, overall, confused about my own emotions, about whether I'm depressed or overjoyed. So much has been going on that it's hard to tell the two apart sometimes. I may be crying about how incredibly blessed I am, or else I may be crying about how hard life is.

I can't keep carrying the weight of this heavy world on my shoulders. It's time to take a chill pill. But what must I do to just... relax? I've taken Dawson out of my life after school, but yet... it's just made things worse, which basically leads me to believe that everybody's still wrong about him. Dawson's the sweetest guy I've ever come across, he's my soul-mate. As a teenager, adults constantly tell me about how we shouldn't be stressing about anything, and that they wish high-school would just last longer. But for me, right now, I personally can say that I'm having a rough time coping with everyday life.

The Savior and my Heavenly Father have definitely been helping, but honestly, it doesn't help when friends and family all are having a hard time, and also are needing my help, when I, myself, am having a hard time lifting myself up, and motivating myself. What more can I do other than to serve them and pray that things may get better? Life for nearly everyone it seems has gotten significantly worse. And what am I doing?  I'm crying about myself and how I don't know what to do for friends who are also feeling down in the dumps.

It's time to calm down, and it's time to sit down and just vent. That's what this blog is for, right? Life has been so overwhelming lately with almost all the aspects of what makes teens stress. From time management to social life and family to grades I've had it to my limit, and am losing my mind. What do I even want to do in my life? The only goal I have set for my life right now is to finish up high school, go to BYU-I and then marry my high school sweetheart, but... can I even survive the task at hand?

Being an inspiration to me, means that I need to be able to be there for others when they need me most. In the past, I've been able to say that with pride, but right now I'm not even sure. All of my inspirations have been getting more and more different, and I can honestly say that I've lost respect for many. Being an inspiration is standing up for what you believe in and love the most, and I feel like I've fallen back into my old shy ways, and mainly just going with whatever comes.

I miss the old me, and I've been trying to get the old Bek back. Is that so wrong? Improving oneself is harder than it looks or feels, and I almost feel like I need to just... restart. What can you do when you've tried almost everything to cheer yourself up and get your eustress back instead of your distress? The answer is sincere prayer to our Heavenly Father. With sincere prayer to our Heavenly Father, many of our problems seem to simply disappear, especially when we thank him for all of the blessings that he has given us. But sometimes that isn't enough... Sometimes, all we need is a friend.

Alone

Have you ever scrolled down who's online on Facebook and thought to yourself "They wouldn't care anyway..."? Story of my life... I feel like not only am I busy, but so are all of my friends. Everybody has everything planned out and what they're going to do each weekend, but when I need somebody in that certain moment... I feel abandoned. I don't know what I need somebody, but I feel like now's just a time in my life where I just need to sit down, get stress out of my system and cry and cry and cry. Why is it that I know there's certain people that I can come to for help, but I feel like I have to do all of this... alone.

Alone. My one and only true nightmare. How terrifying it would be to be alone in this world, with the world around you circling slowly, but spinning so fast and everyone around you has a friend except the one who needs it most, you... When it comes down to it... why is it that I feel like I'm the last choice when people think about who they want to hang out with? Why is it that I feel like I need to post my even non-inspirational feelings on here when I'm supposed to have this blog be about the Bek that's happy, and learns from the past, and gets on with it. THIS is my nightmare.

Even though I have Dawson, Krista, Sienna, and a handful of others, I feel like all I can really concentrate on at home is how alone I am and how nobody really loves me like I think they do. I worry too much, and I know I do. Why can't I feel different? Why can't I be like I was before... Loving and trusting every friend that comes into my life... I feel screwed over by nearly everyone. Most of them didn't even do anything, or don't know what they did wrong... Why can't they notice my tears? Why must my voice be silenced and suddenly taken away from me?

I'm not Superwoman

The scary part of life is that sometimes you don't always know the intentions of others... What left do I have to give to them besides my ever-fading love for them, how can I continue to love them when I don't know whether they love me back? What kind of friend hardly ever talks to you, and constantly makes excuses as to why they can't come over to spend time with you? How am I supposed to even feel about what what she and many other of my faded friendships have done or neglected doing?

Its not just my friends that make life hard right now, its my family life. Sometimes I just don't know how to cope with the two plus balance school. I'm not superwoman. What do I need to do in order to make not only others happy, but myself included.

But then there's those friends that love you unconditionally. You cant help but love them back because of the constant love and appreciation they give you. To those friends, I say I love you. Without you, my life would be heck. Thank you,

Things Guys Need to Know about Girls

*Special Requested April Post*

Alright, to start off this wonderful topic, I found this picture, and just for kicks and giggles found myself a dandy little quote to go with it. Just like the olden days. xD Hope you like! Please kick back and relax while you learn some of the things in my opinion that doesn't get thought about much by the boys of today about us girls.

1. KISSES AND HUGS TAKE AWAY ALL THE ANGER. If you just recently had a big fight, or even a small understanding, nothing will really make her day any better than a gentle kiss or a hug. I chose this because men usually tend to want to defend themselves, when all women want is an apology and a simple kiss.

2. WHEN A GIRL LAUGHS AT YOUR STUPID JOKES, IT MEANS SHE PROBABLY LIKES YOU. When you're not even really trying to impress her all that much with your corny lines and she's laughing, she wants to make you feel like she loves to hang out with you and that you make her happy.

3. DON'T MISINTERPRET HER. If she's silently looking at you, it means that she's simply just analyzing the situation before she reacts and says something. She is just resolving something when she looks at you.

4. WOMEN EXPRESS EMOTIONS. She's bound to want the same love back that she gives to you. If she tells you that you're sweet and kind, shoot back at her and tell her she's beautiful and lovely.

5. WOMEN HOLD GRUDGES UNTIL TRUST COMES BACK.  Women are very emotional, especially when it comes to relationships. When trust is broken, she may say that she has forgiven you, but most of the time, it isn't true because they still feel the pain, and hold the grudge for a long time.

6. USE SOME MORE ADJECTIVES. Even though it is a compliment to her to be called sexy or hot, still use words like cute, beautiful, and adorable to make her feel loved, as those words are more playful and they want to hear more of that overall.

7. IF SHE'S SHY AROUND YOU, SHE LOVES YOU. Do not be disappointed if a girl doesn't give you much attention or if she tries to avoid you. Overall, this depends on the girl.

8. SHE WANTS TO BE APPRECIATED. When she wears something new, and tries hard to make herself beautiful, all she wants to hear is a word of appreciation from you.

9. THE CHASE. As a man, you never stop chasing the women you love. Continue to tell her how much you love her, and expressing your love often. When a man says "but she already knows that I love her" that isn't the case because the women's mind processes that the man "loves her the last time he expressed, and told her he did."

10. NEVER POINT OUT BLEMISHES OR FAULTS IN A GIRL. Girls are super ultra sensitive when it comes to their own appearance. Any faults being pointed out, or even calling a girl fat, can cause her to become depressed. Just note that it's all normal. We all have her faults. Treat those around you the way YOU would want to be treated. 

Somebody to Rely On

At the lock-in, I had a lot of fun when I actually had people to talk to. Socializing and getting out of my pit of despair was the sole reason that I came to the lock-in. I was already sad enough and felt excluded a lot of the time when my friends told me to watch their things, and never came back. I understand that all of their attention wasn't even supposed to be focused on me, but I was hurt a lot of that time when I had to just sit alone while watching everyone else have tons of fun without me.

Other than that, when Dawson finally came to just spend time with me because he saw that I was hurt, the rest of the night was brilliant. There were a lot of things that I'd rather not talk about just because they are things that hurt my feelings unintentionally.

The look he gave me when I felt hurt was priceless. The look that I hadn't seen since My Heart's Raging Chaos. The look of comfort and protection that he always gives me when he's most concerned about how I'm doing instead of everyone else. I never mean to be selfish when it comes to these things, so I just kept my mouth shut and walked out of the room and sat down next to the office, just to have him just asking repeatedly, and just wondering what he might be able to do to fix me. When I'm silent and I storm off like that it's obvious that I'm holding back tears, and honestly I think he knew. I wanted to cry. Just like all the other times my feelings get hurt. I explain to him what happened and why I'm upset, as he simply just reassures me by just being the best boyfriend in the world. He just stayed by my side the rest of the night there on after until the hypnotist show ended at around 4:30 a.m.

He's that person that you can simply rely on once you are able to spill out your feelings. He makes you smile, and he gives you comfort and warmth that you can't find anywhere else. All he needed to hear was what was going through my head, and how he could help. All he needed to know was what was going on.

Earlier that day, me and Dawson got in a little fight, and he started avoiding me in 4th hour and the end of lunch. I could tell he was mad at me. After writing several hate notes to well.. myself, I began to feel myself about to break into tears.

I thought about all the things I told myself, and wondering about all the what if's I wrote:

Have you ever just wanted to sit down and kill yourself just to get the pain of life out of the way?
Have you ever wanted to just see what would happen if you had gone away?
What would life be like for those around me...without me?
Would it be better? Would it be worse?
What will I do if everyone's just better off?
What's my purpose? What's the reason for me even being here?
My boyfriend can't even explain why he loves me. Heck, he'd rather hang out with all of these other girls than he would me.
Kill me, get it all over with. Get rid of all of this pain. Get rid of my suffering. Give me a sign that somebody wants me.

I thought non-stop about my note, and it got to the point where I ended up moving to the back of the classroom in hopes nobody would notice if I did start crying. After class, I thought he would comfort me, right away and see that I was about to break down, but no... to my surprise, he wouldn't even reach for my hand or look at me. I felt like I was walking next to him, and not with him. I felt like he was about to leave me. Out of control, I saw Krista and hugged her and started to cry in her shoulder. Since my makeup was all messed up, I went into the bathroom to wipe it all off, and then when I came out, to my surprise, there he was standing there waiting to aide me in my need.

The bell was about to ring, so I ran to my next class... where I knew I had NO friends...whatsoever. Not even one who cared the slightest about me. I sat there finishing up crying, and wiping off my smudgy eyeliner. To my astonishment, nobody even really noticed. Nobody even bothered to ask. Not even the teacher. I sat there in tears, trying to keep myself together. I knew I had been lying to myself. I tried to get myself on a happy side... it wasn't working. At all. I sat there in class nearly in tears with every moment that passed by, wiping my eyes with the paper towel I had grabbed.. it was still really wet with my tears and the water I had poured on it to help get off the makeup. I felt terrible. I couldn't believe I had just broken down, and nothing really dramatic had even happened.

The bell rang, and I walked to my boyfriend who came to see me after class before I left with Sienna and Tyler to King's. I hugged him, and hugged him and hugged him as he tried to reassure me that everything was going to be okay and that he doesn't hate me or anything... I felt his warmth more and more, I wanted to sit and stay with him in his arms. But I realized my own problem. Attachment. Ready to face the issue, I ran down the stairs to go walk with them after saying goodbye to him.

Sienna, Tyler, and I had tons of fun walking to King's talking about random crap having to do with the new club we're trying to form called the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) to how Tyler met our mothers. It was a lot of fun. It was also refreshing to know that I didn't always have to hang out with him, and that there's others that care about me.

On my way home, I started to once again doubt myself and wonder who really even cared. Thinking to myself, Give me a sign that somebody wants me. I was scared. Nobody seemed to care except for when I simply just write up a blog post like this. All my breakdowns happen when nearly nobody knows, and when I need them most, they never speak. But what am I supposed to expect? Their full and direct attention to me? No! I don't want them all asking me what's wrong because I honestly don't know. What I need right now more than ever is a friend to just sit down and laugh with.

"You're all I want. You're all I need. You're everything. Everything."

-from "Everything" by Lifehouse

My Bottle

Do you ever feel like you're just holding all of your emotions in a bottle that's ready to explode when you next open it up to push the next frustration in? That's my life right now. One minute I'm giddy and happy at school, and then I just get home and cry it all out. Tears upon tears. Without REASON. Many people say that yes, you sometimes do need a good cry. Afraid of those tears coming out in public, I just push it down deeper only for it all to come out when I'm sitting at home alone at night listening to music or just doing homework.

This. This is what stress is like. The stress that you feel when you have too much on your plate but want to do nothing at all. The stress that you feel when you want to talk to someone about your feelings, but feel like it's not worth it or they won't understand. Without fail, I've been able to pull off crying every single day for a month. It's just not healthy. Just listening to music... I feel that I get the closure that I need. I can express those feelings through song. I feel that I can relate to every song that I've been listening to. If only I could just send them my playlists and see what they can help me with. Even my playlists have mood swings. One minute I'm singing along to Happy by Pharrell Williams, and then next I'm listening to Better That We Break by Maroon 5 and just crying my eyes out, and then listening to You and Me (or Everything) by Lifehouse and wishing that Dawson were near.

What's wrong? I would love to ask myself the same question. My sister has "searched for the answer" by asking me random questions about how I've been feeling lately, and she says it's all because I have attachment issues. I'm too attached to my friends and well everybody that I'm close to. She said that even though a lot of my friends are abandoning me for other people in their lives right now, I need to simply let go. How do I do that when I've known them for so long, and have this 'false' belief in my mind that everybody's going to stay because they love me. At what point is it okay for me to let go? At what point am I supposed to accept that they've moved on? At what point will the emotions drop?

How am I going to make it through tomorrow? There's a Lock-In. I'll be up all night and there's no way I want to make a scene and just start crying in front of everyone. Hopefully that night will be the night I finally stop my tears from falling. One minute I'm having the time of my life, and the next I'm in my room bawling about who knows what.

I've cried, and you'd think I'd be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine the rest of my life.

-Conor Oberst

I Need Thee Every Hour

There I was. Standing tall and singing "I Need Thee Every Hour" in front of our entire congregation while my mom recorded me to send it to my brother. I wasn't as confident as I could have been, and I admit that for me, I made tons of mistakes. To me, this performance was humiliating until I re-watched the recording, realizing that it's actually decent.

I felt the pain that I had been feeling towards not only my Savior, but towards my friends. To my friends, I would love to tell you that I need you all. It's painful when you're not there. During this song, I felt both happy and scared, not because of the crowd, but because I'm not sure how to feel about most of my friends. In the past few days, the friends that have made most of the difference are Krista, Sienna, and Dawson. The only ones I'm completely positive on that actually care.

The other ones have just fallen out of my grasp. Not that they've gone down a different path or that I "hate" them now... but only because they've established something else bigger than me, and when I try to fit myself into the equation, I'm pushed back out because I have no idea what any of them are talking about.

Inside Jokes. They're supposed to be what keeps friends close... right? The problem with inside jokes is that when you use them around people who don't know about the joke, they feel left out. That's how life is right now for me. Getting pushed out of conversations unintentionally just because of my own cluelessness.

Awkward Silences. We normally hate these right? I've found that people who are trying to include themselves back into big groups of friends use these awkward silences to their advantage to sneak in more about what they've been doing lately if nobody's been asking. So, in ways, it can be healthy for many friendships. In my situation, nobody asks, so I'm just waiting for the perfect moment to add myself in.

The two things we all thought were necessary and unnecessary have just been
replaced all along due to the fallout of friendships.
I know see their utter importance.
More than ever.

Every day, I feel alone. If it weren't for Krista, Sienna, and Dawson, I might as well not even come to school anymore, and just drop out. I feel now more than ever that I'm not wanted or needed at all. I don't know what to do anymore, and feel as if nobody cares. What am I supposed to do if they won't let me come back? Just let it happen? 

Then it seems as if I'm losing nearly everybody.

The Opposite

There I am... sitting by myself alone in my room when I check my Facebook and see that.. nobody really cares enough to make it to my performance tomorrow morning. I'm going to sing I Need Thee Every Hour tomorrow morning at my church, and so I invited the people that I thought would love to come... They all ended up rejecting me in a way, and none of them even came to my party... What have I become?

I thought Friendship was Magic... But it all seems to be just a big joke. I understand that inconveniences may have come up, but none of my friends accepted my request... Shows you how much they actually care. It makes me scared, terrified in fact. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm writing this if I have no friends to actually read it. "inspiring my inspirations?" more like... disappointing my inspirations.

How do I get out of this tight spot? All I can do is think about how lonely I am... I try to make new friendships, but of course they're busy with their own friend-circles. The ones I used to have, have faded off and probably don't even care about me anymore.

I'm a joke. There I was last year, friends with nearly everyone I met... but here I am now... with nobody but my boyfriend. He doesn't even know how much I cry every day... nobody knows. I used to be so happy, but I don't know what happened besides realization setting in.

What do you do when all your friends leave you like that? It's a slap in the face that nobody ever expects. I look up to my "Hope" poster me and Sienna made in June and all I can think of is how nobody ever comes over anymore, and how nobody really cares... I am that girl. That girl that you talk to when nobody else is there to talk to. The embarrassment. The humiliation. The agony of being her.

If only there were some way of leaping out of my pit of despair... Some way I could just stop, but I feel like I'm trapped. Everywhere I go there's constant reminders of how I've failed somebody, and how they've walked out of my life.