Day One: Withdrawal

All I know about his whereabouts is that... he had a nightmare last night at 2 a.m. When I woke up around 3 a.m, and checked my phone i asked him to tell me about it, and I haven't gotten a reply ever since... and it's 3:26 p.m.! At times like these, I question myself. Is he at his home just being tired? Or is he at his home just being tired of me?

Of course this is an obvious question, no! Sure he might be asleep right now, but most likely he's either gotten his phone (and all other tech) taken... (again) or he just needs to be left alone. Even though the answer is simple, I find myself wanting to scream out in rampage and wonder why! I mean... I already miss him even though it's just the first day of Summer vacation... but I just wish... i just wish somebody would tell me what's going on. Of course, I don't mean to be that controlling girlfriend wondering where he is at all times, and what's going on in his life, but all I ask from him right now is an answer to let me know that he's alright.

I doubt I'm going to get this 'answer' anytime soon... but hey! For all I know, he could be driving somewhere, or at work (because he never tells me when he's at work), or who knows what! This might even be a good thing! I know I can go a long time without talking to him, but gosh dang this sucks! Why does this all have to be so hard?

For The Summer

Goodbye highschool, goodbye drama... Goodbye Mr. Burrows, Goodbye my fellow students, and goodbye to my most wonderful group of friends. I look forward so much to hanging out with all of them later this Summer, but it still sucks that I won't be able to see them every single day like I do at school. It's amazing what we all can take for granted as we're at school. With deep though I've been able to realize that all those assignments that help us work our way up to the final help us, all our teachers do care whether we pass or not, and our true friends will be there for us no matter what.

Through random things this month like my birthday, and my first two dates, I've had my ups and downs throughout it all... The thing that I'll miss the most? Having somebody to look up to. I know that to some, I may be the inspiration, but... now I've lost all the students/teachers that I look up to the most. Mr. Burrows is gone, Cade Davie, Mariah Harper, Jacee Wright, and all of my other fantabulous seniors are all gone. But on the bright side, I still have those wonderful beautiful people that I can look to that are there right by my side... like Sienna Wareham and Dawson Hammond. Those two really care, and a lot more care about me as well. Those two care about me 24/7, whether or not they think I'm dead from laughing to hard, or from a broken heart.

I have a feeling that this Summer is going to be simply fantastic! I'm very very excited for getting to go swimming, and hanging out with my friends, and seeing some of the new movies that are coming out that look good. Even tonight I'm going out to hang with my friends Tyler Anderson and Sienna Wareham. =D Aren't they just the best? They're taking me out to fast food, and we're gonna go watch a film at Paramount. (we don't know which one yet) I'm so excited! Tonight's gonna be so much fun!

For the Summer, life will come to a screeching halt. But at the same time, we will still be moving.. just very slow because we'll be having too much fun to grow up like we ought to. Isn't Summer amazing? Isn't Summer exciting? <3 Have an amazing Summer, my little inspirations <3 Do What You Desire!

Who's To Say What Love Is?

Throughout life, we always hit lows and highs. Since I've probably hit one of my all time lows, I've been very sad, depressed, and even suicidal at times. But you know who's been there through all of it? Dawson. He's constantly here for me, he's supporting every decision for me that leads me down the right path, and makes it so that I may have a brighter future ahead. He makes me smile, giggle, and overall, he makes me happy. 

Lately, people have been trying to tear us apart because it's not right to have a boyfriend at 16, and so I'm supposed to drop him and date other guys. My personal problem with this is-- I don't want anybody else. I'm not even interested in trying, so what's the point? Why drag me away from my happiness? If anything, I need him more than ever right now. I know that they are just trying to tease me about all of this, but Dawson is much much more than just a boyfriend to me. Dawson is my best-friend, and even my soul-mate. I, personally, have never been as happy as I am when I'm with him.

Why should I try the other flavors of ice-cream when my favorite flavor is right in front of me, and just looking at the other flavors makes me sick, and uninterested. In two days, Dawson and I will have hit our 20th month anniversary. 4 months away from our 2 year anniversary. Can I just say that time flies when you're in love?

Adults constantly laugh at me, and tell me that I don't know what love is. Who's to say what it is anyways? To me, this is the highest form of happiness. Isn't that all that matters? Isn't that what love is? Putting others before you put yourself? Through everything, he supports me, and helps me through everything. He's always concerned, and I know for a fact that I return that favor. I've never cared so much about somebody who isn't family. 

Love is all about giving high frequencies of happiness to other people, so that it may bless their lives and make them happy, and make you happy overall, as those blessings will travel from person to person and eventually come back to you. And the best part, it starts with you. Not what that other person. I leave you with this... Give love. Sure, at times it is a challenge, but when you give love, you will receive love.

Losing My Mind

Every day I come home and wonder how I'm doing, and how I can improve myself for the day to come... Lately, I've come home and have been, overall, confused about my own emotions, about whether I'm depressed or overjoyed. So much has been going on that it's hard to tell the two apart sometimes. I may be crying about how incredibly blessed I am, or else I may be crying about how hard life is.

I can't keep carrying the weight of this heavy world on my shoulders. It's time to take a chill pill. But what must I do to just... relax? I've taken Dawson out of my life after school, but yet... it's just made things worse, which basically leads me to believe that everybody's still wrong about him. Dawson's the sweetest guy I've ever come across, he's my soul-mate. As a teenager, adults constantly tell me about how we shouldn't be stressing about anything, and that they wish high-school would just last longer. But for me, right now, I personally can say that I'm having a rough time coping with everyday life.

The Savior and my Heavenly Father have definitely been helping, but honestly, it doesn't help when friends and family all are having a hard time, and also are needing my help, when I, myself, am having a hard time lifting myself up, and motivating myself. What more can I do other than to serve them and pray that things may get better? Life for nearly everyone it seems has gotten significantly worse. And what am I doing?  I'm crying about myself and how I don't know what to do for friends who are also feeling down in the dumps.

It's time to calm down, and it's time to sit down and just vent. That's what this blog is for, right? Life has been so overwhelming lately with almost all the aspects of what makes teens stress. From time management to social life and family to grades I've had it to my limit, and am losing my mind. What do I even want to do in my life? The only goal I have set for my life right now is to finish up high school, go to BYU-I and then marry my high school sweetheart, but... can I even survive the task at hand?

Being an inspiration to me, means that I need to be able to be there for others when they need me most. In the past, I've been able to say that with pride, but right now I'm not even sure. All of my inspirations have been getting more and more different, and I can honestly say that I've lost respect for many. Being an inspiration is standing up for what you believe in and love the most, and I feel like I've fallen back into my old shy ways, and mainly just going with whatever comes.

I miss the old me, and I've been trying to get the old Bek back. Is that so wrong? Improving oneself is harder than it looks or feels, and I almost feel like I need to just... restart. What can you do when you've tried almost everything to cheer yourself up and get your eustress back instead of your distress? The answer is sincere prayer to our Heavenly Father. With sincere prayer to our Heavenly Father, many of our problems seem to simply disappear, especially when we thank him for all of the blessings that he has given us. But sometimes that isn't enough... Sometimes, all we need is a friend.

Alone

Have you ever scrolled down who's online on Facebook and thought to yourself "They wouldn't care anyway..."? Story of my life... I feel like not only am I busy, but so are all of my friends. Everybody has everything planned out and what they're going to do each weekend, but when I need somebody in that certain moment... I feel abandoned. I don't know what I need somebody, but I feel like now's just a time in my life where I just need to sit down, get stress out of my system and cry and cry and cry. Why is it that I know there's certain people that I can come to for help, but I feel like I have to do all of this... alone.

Alone. My one and only true nightmare. How terrifying it would be to be alone in this world, with the world around you circling slowly, but spinning so fast and everyone around you has a friend except the one who needs it most, you... When it comes down to it... why is it that I feel like I'm the last choice when people think about who they want to hang out with? Why is it that I feel like I need to post my even non-inspirational feelings on here when I'm supposed to have this blog be about the Bek that's happy, and learns from the past, and gets on with it. THIS is my nightmare.

Even though I have Dawson, Krista, Sienna, and a handful of others, I feel like all I can really concentrate on at home is how alone I am and how nobody really loves me like I think they do. I worry too much, and I know I do. Why can't I feel different? Why can't I be like I was before... Loving and trusting every friend that comes into my life... I feel screwed over by nearly everyone. Most of them didn't even do anything, or don't know what they did wrong... Why can't they notice my tears? Why must my voice be silenced and suddenly taken away from me?

I'm not Superwoman

The scary part of life is that sometimes you don't always know the intentions of others... What left do I have to give to them besides my ever-fading love for them, how can I continue to love them when I don't know whether they love me back? What kind of friend hardly ever talks to you, and constantly makes excuses as to why they can't come over to spend time with you? How am I supposed to even feel about what what she and many other of my faded friendships have done or neglected doing?

Its not just my friends that make life hard right now, its my family life. Sometimes I just don't know how to cope with the two plus balance school. I'm not superwoman. What do I need to do in order to make not only others happy, but myself included.

But then there's those friends that love you unconditionally. You cant help but love them back because of the constant love and appreciation they give you. To those friends, I say I love you. Without you, my life would be heck. Thank you,

Things Guys Need to Know about Girls

*Special Requested April Post*

Alright, to start off this wonderful topic, I found this picture, and just for kicks and giggles found myself a dandy little quote to go with it. Just like the olden days. xD Hope you like! Please kick back and relax while you learn some of the things in my opinion that doesn't get thought about much by the boys of today about us girls.

1. KISSES AND HUGS TAKE AWAY ALL THE ANGER. If you just recently had a big fight, or even a small understanding, nothing will really make her day any better than a gentle kiss or a hug. I chose this because men usually tend to want to defend themselves, when all women want is an apology and a simple kiss.

2. WHEN A GIRL LAUGHS AT YOUR STUPID JOKES, IT MEANS SHE PROBABLY LIKES YOU. When you're not even really trying to impress her all that much with your corny lines and she's laughing, she wants to make you feel like she loves to hang out with you and that you make her happy.

3. DON'T MISINTERPRET HER. If she's silently looking at you, it means that she's simply just analyzing the situation before she reacts and says something. She is just resolving something when she looks at you.

4. WOMEN EXPRESS EMOTIONS. She's bound to want the same love back that she gives to you. If she tells you that you're sweet and kind, shoot back at her and tell her she's beautiful and lovely.

5. WOMEN HOLD GRUDGES UNTIL TRUST COMES BACK.  Women are very emotional, especially when it comes to relationships. When trust is broken, she may say that she has forgiven you, but most of the time, it isn't true because they still feel the pain, and hold the grudge for a long time.

6. USE SOME MORE ADJECTIVES. Even though it is a compliment to her to be called sexy or hot, still use words like cute, beautiful, and adorable to make her feel loved, as those words are more playful and they want to hear more of that overall.

7. IF SHE'S SHY AROUND YOU, SHE LOVES YOU. Do not be disappointed if a girl doesn't give you much attention or if she tries to avoid you. Overall, this depends on the girl.

8. SHE WANTS TO BE APPRECIATED. When she wears something new, and tries hard to make herself beautiful, all she wants to hear is a word of appreciation from you.

9. THE CHASE. As a man, you never stop chasing the women you love. Continue to tell her how much you love her, and expressing your love often. When a man says "but she already knows that I love her" that isn't the case because the women's mind processes that the man "loves her the last time he expressed, and told her he did."

10. NEVER POINT OUT BLEMISHES OR FAULTS IN A GIRL. Girls are super ultra sensitive when it comes to their own appearance. Any faults being pointed out, or even calling a girl fat, can cause her to become depressed. Just note that it's all normal. We all have her faults. Treat those around you the way YOU would want to be treated. 

Somebody to Rely On

At the lock-in, I had a lot of fun when I actually had people to talk to. Socializing and getting out of my pit of despair was the sole reason that I came to the lock-in. I was already sad enough and felt excluded a lot of the time when my friends told me to watch their things, and never came back. I understand that all of their attention wasn't even supposed to be focused on me, but I was hurt a lot of that time when I had to just sit alone while watching everyone else have tons of fun without me.

Other than that, when Dawson finally came to just spend time with me because he saw that I was hurt, the rest of the night was brilliant. There were a lot of things that I'd rather not talk about just because they are things that hurt my feelings unintentionally.

The look he gave me when I felt hurt was priceless. The look that I hadn't seen since My Heart's Raging Chaos. The look of comfort and protection that he always gives me when he's most concerned about how I'm doing instead of everyone else. I never mean to be selfish when it comes to these things, so I just kept my mouth shut and walked out of the room and sat down next to the office, just to have him just asking repeatedly, and just wondering what he might be able to do to fix me. When I'm silent and I storm off like that it's obvious that I'm holding back tears, and honestly I think he knew. I wanted to cry. Just like all the other times my feelings get hurt. I explain to him what happened and why I'm upset, as he simply just reassures me by just being the best boyfriend in the world. He just stayed by my side the rest of the night there on after until the hypnotist show ended at around 4:30 a.m.

He's that person that you can simply rely on once you are able to spill out your feelings. He makes you smile, and he gives you comfort and warmth that you can't find anywhere else. All he needed to hear was what was going through my head, and how he could help. All he needed to know was what was going on.

Earlier that day, me and Dawson got in a little fight, and he started avoiding me in 4th hour and the end of lunch. I could tell he was mad at me. After writing several hate notes to well.. myself, I began to feel myself about to break into tears.

I thought about all the things I told myself, and wondering about all the what if's I wrote:

Have you ever just wanted to sit down and kill yourself just to get the pain of life out of the way?
Have you ever wanted to just see what would happen if you had gone away?
What would life be like for those around me...without me?
Would it be better? Would it be worse?
What will I do if everyone's just better off?
What's my purpose? What's the reason for me even being here?
My boyfriend can't even explain why he loves me. Heck, he'd rather hang out with all of these other girls than he would me.
Kill me, get it all over with. Get rid of all of this pain. Get rid of my suffering. Give me a sign that somebody wants me.

I thought non-stop about my note, and it got to the point where I ended up moving to the back of the classroom in hopes nobody would notice if I did start crying. After class, I thought he would comfort me, right away and see that I was about to break down, but no... to my surprise, he wouldn't even reach for my hand or look at me. I felt like I was walking next to him, and not with him. I felt like he was about to leave me. Out of control, I saw Krista and hugged her and started to cry in her shoulder. Since my makeup was all messed up, I went into the bathroom to wipe it all off, and then when I came out, to my surprise, there he was standing there waiting to aide me in my need.

The bell was about to ring, so I ran to my next class... where I knew I had NO friends...whatsoever. Not even one who cared the slightest about me. I sat there finishing up crying, and wiping off my smudgy eyeliner. To my astonishment, nobody even really noticed. Nobody even bothered to ask. Not even the teacher. I sat there in tears, trying to keep myself together. I knew I had been lying to myself. I tried to get myself on a happy side... it wasn't working. At all. I sat there in class nearly in tears with every moment that passed by, wiping my eyes with the paper towel I had grabbed.. it was still really wet with my tears and the water I had poured on it to help get off the makeup. I felt terrible. I couldn't believe I had just broken down, and nothing really dramatic had even happened.

The bell rang, and I walked to my boyfriend who came to see me after class before I left with Sienna and Tyler to King's. I hugged him, and hugged him and hugged him as he tried to reassure me that everything was going to be okay and that he doesn't hate me or anything... I felt his warmth more and more, I wanted to sit and stay with him in his arms. But I realized my own problem. Attachment. Ready to face the issue, I ran down the stairs to go walk with them after saying goodbye to him.

Sienna, Tyler, and I had tons of fun walking to King's talking about random crap having to do with the new club we're trying to form called the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) to how Tyler met our mothers. It was a lot of fun. It was also refreshing to know that I didn't always have to hang out with him, and that there's others that care about me.

On my way home, I started to once again doubt myself and wonder who really even cared. Thinking to myself, Give me a sign that somebody wants me. I was scared. Nobody seemed to care except for when I simply just write up a blog post like this. All my breakdowns happen when nearly nobody knows, and when I need them most, they never speak. But what am I supposed to expect? Their full and direct attention to me? No! I don't want them all asking me what's wrong because I honestly don't know. What I need right now more than ever is a friend to just sit down and laugh with.

"You're all I want. You're all I need. You're everything. Everything."

-from "Everything" by Lifehouse

My Bottle

Do you ever feel like you're just holding all of your emotions in a bottle that's ready to explode when you next open it up to push the next frustration in? That's my life right now. One minute I'm giddy and happy at school, and then I just get home and cry it all out. Tears upon tears. Without REASON. Many people say that yes, you sometimes do need a good cry. Afraid of those tears coming out in public, I just push it down deeper only for it all to come out when I'm sitting at home alone at night listening to music or just doing homework.

This. This is what stress is like. The stress that you feel when you have too much on your plate but want to do nothing at all. The stress that you feel when you want to talk to someone about your feelings, but feel like it's not worth it or they won't understand. Without fail, I've been able to pull off crying every single day for a month. It's just not healthy. Just listening to music... I feel that I get the closure that I need. I can express those feelings through song. I feel that I can relate to every song that I've been listening to. If only I could just send them my playlists and see what they can help me with. Even my playlists have mood swings. One minute I'm singing along to Happy by Pharrell Williams, and then next I'm listening to Better That We Break by Maroon 5 and just crying my eyes out, and then listening to You and Me (or Everything) by Lifehouse and wishing that Dawson were near.

What's wrong? I would love to ask myself the same question. My sister has "searched for the answer" by asking me random questions about how I've been feeling lately, and she says it's all because I have attachment issues. I'm too attached to my friends and well everybody that I'm close to. She said that even though a lot of my friends are abandoning me for other people in their lives right now, I need to simply let go. How do I do that when I've known them for so long, and have this 'false' belief in my mind that everybody's going to stay because they love me. At what point is it okay for me to let go? At what point am I supposed to accept that they've moved on? At what point will the emotions drop?

How am I going to make it through tomorrow? There's a Lock-In. I'll be up all night and there's no way I want to make a scene and just start crying in front of everyone. Hopefully that night will be the night I finally stop my tears from falling. One minute I'm having the time of my life, and the next I'm in my room bawling about who knows what.

I've cried, and you'd think I'd be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine the rest of my life.

-Conor Oberst

I Need Thee Every Hour

There I was. Standing tall and singing "I Need Thee Every Hour" in front of our entire congregation while my mom recorded me to send it to my brother. I wasn't as confident as I could have been, and I admit that for me, I made tons of mistakes. To me, this performance was humiliating until I re-watched the recording, realizing that it's actually decent.

I felt the pain that I had been feeling towards not only my Savior, but towards my friends. To my friends, I would love to tell you that I need you all. It's painful when you're not there. During this song, I felt both happy and scared, not because of the crowd, but because I'm not sure how to feel about most of my friends. In the past few days, the friends that have made most of the difference are Krista, Sienna, and Dawson. The only ones I'm completely positive on that actually care.

The other ones have just fallen out of my grasp. Not that they've gone down a different path or that I "hate" them now... but only because they've established something else bigger than me, and when I try to fit myself into the equation, I'm pushed back out because I have no idea what any of them are talking about.

Inside Jokes. They're supposed to be what keeps friends close... right? The problem with inside jokes is that when you use them around people who don't know about the joke, they feel left out. That's how life is right now for me. Getting pushed out of conversations unintentionally just because of my own cluelessness.

Awkward Silences. We normally hate these right? I've found that people who are trying to include themselves back into big groups of friends use these awkward silences to their advantage to sneak in more about what they've been doing lately if nobody's been asking. So, in ways, it can be healthy for many friendships. In my situation, nobody asks, so I'm just waiting for the perfect moment to add myself in.

The two things we all thought were necessary and unnecessary have just been
replaced all along due to the fallout of friendships.
I know see their utter importance.
More than ever.

Every day, I feel alone. If it weren't for Krista, Sienna, and Dawson, I might as well not even come to school anymore, and just drop out. I feel now more than ever that I'm not wanted or needed at all. I don't know what to do anymore, and feel as if nobody cares. What am I supposed to do if they won't let me come back? Just let it happen? 

Then it seems as if I'm losing nearly everybody.

The Opposite

There I am... sitting by myself alone in my room when I check my Facebook and see that.. nobody really cares enough to make it to my performance tomorrow morning. I'm going to sing I Need Thee Every Hour tomorrow morning at my church, and so I invited the people that I thought would love to come... They all ended up rejecting me in a way, and none of them even came to my party... What have I become?

I thought Friendship was Magic... But it all seems to be just a big joke. I understand that inconveniences may have come up, but none of my friends accepted my request... Shows you how much they actually care. It makes me scared, terrified in fact. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm writing this if I have no friends to actually read it. "inspiring my inspirations?" more like... disappointing my inspirations.

How do I get out of this tight spot? All I can do is think about how lonely I am... I try to make new friendships, but of course they're busy with their own friend-circles. The ones I used to have, have faded off and probably don't even care about me anymore.

I'm a joke. There I was last year, friends with nearly everyone I met... but here I am now... with nobody but my boyfriend. He doesn't even know how much I cry every day... nobody knows. I used to be so happy, but I don't know what happened besides realization setting in.

What do you do when all your friends leave you like that? It's a slap in the face that nobody ever expects. I look up to my "Hope" poster me and Sienna made in June and all I can think of is how nobody ever comes over anymore, and how nobody really cares... I am that girl. That girl that you talk to when nobody else is there to talk to. The embarrassment. The humiliation. The agony of being her.

If only there were some way of leaping out of my pit of despair... Some way I could just stop, but I feel like I'm trapped. Everywhere I go there's constant reminders of how I've failed somebody, and how they've walked out of my life.

Dissed

The good news, I made it into chamber singers! The bad news, I have nobody to share my overwhelming happiness with. As I sit alone in this corner, where the two of us usually sit, I find myself pondering why... he's the only one that hangs with me., or even bothers to try. I get that I have some friends that are happy with me, but it's just not the same. There's always this barrier of awkward, as they tend to bring up inside jokes that I dont know  about. It doesn't seem fair... my ex hangs out with his ex, my friend Julia,  and it just confuses me so much because he looks at her the way he used to look at me. It seems they have a secret love, and jamlia is back intact. To me, none of this makes sense. Whatever happened to them in the past, neither one seems to even phase it.

As I write all of this, I get more and more upset because... He's laughing at me. He was the one that told me to never be afraid and that he would always protect me, and here he is stabbing me in my heart, and also the little pieces that had been pieced back on. He was going to stay in my heart forever, just because he was my first boyfriend... Now I just want to make myself forget, and just pretend Dawson, who's sweet and treats me like a princess, was my first boyfriend. What left is there to do when your ex and your friend diss you like that. I'm not sure what to do anymore...

My Heart's Raging Chaos

Waking up, I could definitely tell it was going to be a great day! I even put on my favorite eye-makeup. Afterwards, I receive a text from my man saying "Morning, Bek." From the start, I knew something was up... I said morning back, and then he started expressing his feelings with me basically stating that he didn't really feel loved because of how I was acting the previous day, which was in reality, just a really bad day for me and I couldn't smile that much.. and I wasn't too talkative either. I could sense something was wrong the day before too because on the way to our Algebra class, he wouldn't walk with me, he'd walk with everyone else and talk to everyone else. As he lead on, I began to tear up, and I quickly removed my eye makeup and grabbed a fresh tissue box and proceeded to pull out all of it's contents, and run outside to watch for the bus.  He had told me that Krista suggested that me and him take a break, and that he was going to consider it depending on how I acted that day. Laying on the ground, I cried and even gagged on my tears and nearly choked myself on them. I even coughed up some blood! After seeing all of that, I started to become very frightened and I didn't know what to do.

It was all happening again. Just like all the previous times, and all the other times he proceeded to let me down... Going through my phone, I started looking at all the sweet texts he sent me, and I came across one that said that he promises never to wake up and decide not to love me... I forwarded that message to him to remind him about the promise he had made to me, and to remind him more of the good times we had. Seeing the bus, I stood up and tried to get my act together... at least for the whole time I was in front. Going back, I sat in my seat, pulled down my hood and looked through the window, as people would try to talk to me, I'd pull it down farther to hide my teary face... I thought about all the what-if's about today. What if he slaps me for trying to kiss him today? What if he pushes me away when I try to share my side? What if... I lose him forever? It was all too terrifying. As Kiley comes down the bus aisle, she sits by my side ready to comfort and aide me in my weary state. I told her all about it, except for the bloody part and laying on the ground. I showed her the text message he sent, and how devastated I feel. We continued to hug, and she, being a good friend, asked what I needed, and gave her own opinion on the situation. Getting on the other bus, we started to laugh about just random things as we went along to the high school. Thinking to myself, I realized that I needed to do whatever it took to get him to stay with me.

Waiting outside for a matter of 5 to 7 minutes in the snow, I see him, and I stretch out my arms awaiting a hug and a kiss. He gives me all of that, and as we walk to the school, I try in my head to be as perfect as can be and not to screw it up... Don't screw it up, Bek. Don't screw it up, this could cost you the love of your life. I lost hold. Overwhelmed, I stumbled over to the building with Dawson as my guide, pulling my hood down farther and farther. Everyone was looking, I could tell just by the silence around me. He pulls me aside, and promises not to leave me as I continue to cry and cry and cry. He pats me on the back, and says that he's sorry and he stays with me, and looks at me with comfort and protection in his eyes. Relieved, but overwhelmed, I cling to him, tighter and tighter with every moment that we're together. I wanted to go home, but the only reason I was going to stay is to be with him, and try to actually make it okay for him too. After all, if I went home bawling without him making anything better besides staying with me, I'm sure he'd feel terrible. I stayed... just for him.

As the day went on, the voices in my head, an echo of those that say we won't last repeat and repeat, I tried to keep sane, but I kept getting panic attacks and burying my head in my desk trying to just hide from the world... I wanted to text my mother about it all, but I knew I couldn't because we were at school, and phones weren't allowed. At lunch, Dawson attempted to soothe my fears, and honestly, it worked for a bit. I'd still panic...on and on. I knew I couldn't ride the bus for that reason, and so I stayed after so that my stepfather could pick me up.

I get home, and my mother made me cookies to soothe my emotional wounds, and so I took about 10 of them into my room and stuffed them into my face until he contacted me.... He asks if I wanted to play Minecraft, and I practically jump at the thought. I get on my computer, and call him up, and try to fake it until I make it. Acting silly together usually heals Drawkah up anyways! As time went on, me and Dawson grew closer and closer. Something as simple as that is mending us back together, and showing me that he cares and that it's going to be okay. If we continue to just... be ourselves with each other, things will get better.

I just feel like right now Dawson is the balance between me and Chaos.

Top 3 Band Picks

Alright, I know this post is late, but it's time for February's special blog post! We had ONE voter, so give props to Sienna Wareham for giving us the special blogpost's topic.

Top 3 Bands That I Adore

1. Maroon 5: The Kings of Music, Your Argument is Invalid

I know that all of you saw this coming, but here it goes. Maroon 5 is the best band there ever was and ever will be. From songs like She Will Be Loved and Back at Your Door to songs like Misery and Love Somebody, Maroon 5 is a total classic hit, and those who hate them probably don't know that they're the artists that did those popular songs.

2. Coldplay: Phenomenal, Emotional, and Inspirational

Coldplay has always been one of my favorite bands from the moment I started liking music. When my sister, Rachel, was going through cancer, me and my brother came together through Coldplay. Their inspirational lyrics and critical lesson in each song was just perfection in it of itself. My favorite song by Coldplay would have to be Viva la Vida just because of it's sentimentality, and the one that's gotten me through the toughest of times is Us Against the World. It reminds me of the special message that the world can be cruel, but even with true love, you can defeat it without even worrying about the troubles that surround us. 

3. The Lighthouse and The Whaler: Soothing and Relaxing

 The Lighthouse and The Whaler, a band that's loved by few, is one of the only artists that I can enjoy while doing my homework. Listening to this band has improved my life a ton as it has many songs with long instrumental breaks that are just filled with time to think about what's actually happening in the song. It's beautiful how well they plane things out in the songs without always having to sing it out to the recipient.

To All That Say We Won't Last

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without him. But then I realize... I've already gone through that. Honestly, I can never see myself going back to that life. During that life, I was stuck in some sort of fake happiness as I thought I knew what love was with another man. After meeting Dawson, I knew we had some sort of special connection. People sometimes ask me: Are you willing to settle for less than your true partner? simply because they choose to believe that Dawson and I are most likely going to break up in the future, and that nothing lasts forever. They believe that someday I really will meet someone that will be a greater and a bigger love than him. To this, I say, You simply don't know him like I do.

I've taken time to talk to my parents about what they felt like in love. My mother and step-father are what I would call best friends. As I've observed their relationship, I've learned many things that having a temporary boyfriend probably wouldn't be able to teach me, along with the relationship my mother and my own father had. Seeing my father and my mother go through all sorts of relationships, I made my own list about what qualities were going to be perfect for me. My mother would always tell me all the amazing and the somewhat embarrassing things that would happen when she dated around looking for her second marriage, and I always learned from her mistakes when it came down to it. Dawson is my best friend, just like my mother and my step-father. I can rely on Dawson and tell him anything, and he will always be there to help cheer me up in any circumstance.

To all that say that I don't have enough experience, I say that yes, I have experienced heartbreak, something very crucial in picking ones' true love. Lacking experience is the least of my problems. Watching each of my parents go dating several more times as I tag along on some of the dates, my mother and father taught me the ins and outs of dating, aka what to do and what not to do. Even though I'm not even 16, I've seen what guys are like on dates, and I've taken what I like and dislike in mind.

To all that say you're too young to feel true love, I ask a question in return, so I'm not to love? I love my parents, I love my friends, and I love quite a lot of things. Saying that I'm too young is like saying a child is not to say I love you mommy, until the "proper" age. Think about it, we all have crushes, don't we? If I were to tell you, in return, that you're too young to feel true love, it would make you want to feel true love sooner than not, right? As a somewhat rebellious teenager, I would agree with that statement of wanting things right now, but you simply don't know him like I do.

To all that said: Never date a non-member, what about the missionaries? My religion preaches about our responsibility on this Earth to spread the gospel to everyone, no matter what their circumstances. I prefer not to judge someone based on their religious practices, but I was able to help this wonderful man grab hold of the gospel in his life once again after being inactive for a few years. Today, he goes to church just like everyone else, but his family stays at home. He wants to get married in the temple someday, and he longs to see his father once again, as his parents got sealed in the temple right before his father's death. He knows that heavenly father will prepare a way for him to see his father once again, and me helping and guiding him back to the gospel has helped him through the darkness that was cloaked around him. If I never dated Dawson, he might have not been reached out to, and would've remained shrouded in darkness and depression. In a way, we're all missionaries, aren't we? We should all spread the gospel that we know and love to those who need it in their lives. We should all share our testimonies and not be afraid of what others think of our religion because it's what we believe individually and as a group that will save us. You never know, you just might be inspiring those around you by standing up for what you believe in.

To all that say: You marry who you date, I see that to be the truth, but here's the thing. I honestly do want to marry Dawson, so why would that in any way stop me from dating him, if I cannot find anything wrong with him? Even though many may say that I don't have enough experience, that i'm too young to feel true love, to never date a non-member, and that I ultimately marry who I date, I'm totally fine with him, and there's no reason to break up with him. If you have a problem with our relationship, To all that say, Dawson and Bek need to break up, I say in reply, you don't know us that well then.

Stress Has Caught Up

Spoiler Alert: I want to give up.

All this homework, all these finals... ALL THIS STRESS. It gets to me, and I never thought High School could be so hard. I know that during the trimester, all that's really going through my head is oh my gosh, this is so easy! But when the end of the trimester comes, I scream for help and nobody comes to my aid. Oodles and Oodles of homework is shoved into my face, and then I lose my weekend. This weekend flew past like it was nothing, the entirety of the weekend I was working on homework, and right now I wouldn't even know if I'm done with it all because well... I give up! That's as good as it's going to get, because I'd love to see the teacher's reaction when they see me falling asleep in their class. "But she's such a good kid." They'll say. Exactly. I'd love to get revenge on every teacher in our school, but the problem is... I just... I...can't. Striving to get a perfect grade in High School...is too much for me. The only class I don't have an A in right now is Algebra (i've got an A-), and I'm sure that it won't get better, even though I would love it to. Going into Finals week is honestly hard. Mostly because I know that the next trimester's got much harder things in store. Goodbye, Life. Hello, Stress. I'm not even sure I have time to myself anymore... I'm so backed up with my relaxation time that I don't know what I'll do...

I won't give up on this blog, and I will say this... there won't be a giant blast of posts soon, but there will be more than there has been in February because I'm just stressed because of Testing and big assignments...like a research paper and a certain choir concert and a biology test to study for.

Have some happiness though. (AKA MARCH'S COVER)

Valentine's Day 2014

Warning: This post is all about DAWSON DAWSON DAWSON!

Valentine's Day with Dawson this year was so... sweet! Sweeter than chocolate even though he got me some of that chocolate. Originally, the plan was for him to come over and just sit around lazy all day and cuddle and watch Transformers. I was totally astounded when I saw him carrying in a bunch of stuff from his car. When Reino opened the door for him, he came in with something wrapped in a big ol' blanket and he had a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolate with ribbon tied around it and a key that came with it.

As you can see, what I got I thought to be very special! When he took the blanket off of the other item I found that it was a big TEDDY BEAR!! It's so cute in every way wit a tan skin and a big brown nose and cuddly inside and out! SO awesome!!

I'd love to thank Dawson by giving him a little shoutout in here... well not little, but BIG for my little man. <3 Thanks, babe.

The Winter Ball 2014

I know it's kind of late to be doing a post about this night, but it was so perfect that I couldn't skip over it or ignore it any longer. It all started out as just a lazy day, and I ended up doing  before and after pictures of me getting ready for it all.

When Dawson showed up, Reino opened the door and Dawson pulled out from behind his back a bouquet of roses. He must have been listening to me a while back because at one point were talking about bucket list items, and getting flowers from a guy was an item on mine. The flowers were really beautiful, and my mom was tempted to keep them to herself. My mom even posted a picture of them on Facebook telling Dawson, "Well played." He really knows how to sweep a Bek off her feet. Haha

Before we left the house, we took the usual picture for my parents before we go mess up our looks at the dance. After all, he did dress up a little more than he did for Homecoming. It was a special occasion to be seeing him in a button up shirt and tie.

The night kept getting better and better. I saw a bunch of my friends and we all grew closer from the dances we all shared. For example, I used to not be too fond of Linsey, but at the dance, we grew closer and danced with each other, with no awkwardness at all! Through all the dances with my friends like Tyler, Sienna, Emily, Braxton, Jerika, Kiley, Dawson, and more I actually felt like I was a part of something. Though I am not friends with James anymore, I still am part of multiple groups of friends. I feel like I belong.

Overall, the past week or two have had some important lessons in store for me. I have learned to really put myself out there, in hopes that others will take me as I am. I have learned that friends can be the people that really make a big difference and influence in your life. I have learned that there's a time for friendship, and there's a time for love, and that I shouldn't dwell on Dawson, Dawson, Dawson, when I'm hanging out with other people. Some of these lessons are the lessons that really needed to be learned in order for me to overcome the upcoming year of 2014, and make way for new challenges in this year. What do I say to 2014? It. Is. On.

Q&A ~4 A Typical School Day

It's still January, and here's what you picked for this month's special post: Highlight of 2013 and LME Q&A! Since LME Q&A had more votes quicker than Highlight of 2013, This month we will be doing the Q&A. I think it's better that we just classify the highlights of 2013 as Lil Miss Epic 1st Anniversary: TOP PICKS. That's basically my "top picks" of 2013 overall, starting from "The Key to Understanding." Anyways, I picked some questions at the beginning of this month to pretty much ponder on for the entirety of the month, and here they are! For my next Q&A, be sure to submit your own suggestions!

Tell about your favorite aunt.

My favorite aunt is definitely my aunt Deanne. My mother's sister is the youngest and at times quite easy to relate to. She lives in New York and is a single photographer who is also involved in the make-up business with Clinique, a quality make-up brand. Every year she comes down from New York and brings us all sorts of cool pictures of the life she's built herself up in New York and she always brings a ton of make-up stuff for us girls. All the make-up I own is mostly from her amazing generosity. I share her love for photography, and I hope to apply that into my life, as she does.

Where did you live when you were born?

When I was first born, we lived in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Which is kind of funny, seeing as how my boyfriend came from Wyoming.

Have you met or worked with any famous people?

I have never worked with anybody famous before. Then again, I kind of have. My mom is kind of famous in Taiwan for bringing in the very first teacup poodle. His name is Tino the Fluffy Red Elf. So yeah, I've basically raised some celebrities in my life time.

Describe a typical school day in High-school.

Well, first I wake up and get dressed, brush my teeth, brush my hair, and get on my make-up, and then I wait for the bus while listening to music or watching YouTube, or packing random stuff that I forgot to pack back up. While I'm on the bus, I talk to one of my best friends, Kiley. We talk about random things like family problems and boyfriends, or just random events that happened at the school. When we arrive at the highschool, we greet Dawson and walk in, and I walk to English, and sit through a painful hour of just... boringness. Then, I get to walk to my favorite class, Seminary! Full of inspiration, motivation, and good-humored fun, this class is refreshing! 

After a heart-felt lesson of Seminary, I walk to Biology, usually running into Dawson on the way. In Biology we usually take notes or do a lab. When we take notes I get headaches so easy because she always says uhm like an infant, and she usually raises the end of her sentences, which gets annoying. When the bell finally rings for us to get out of that class, me and Dawson go to eat lunch under the stairs. When we finish eating, we usually go flirt at the top of the stairs and cuddle and just tell jokes and just... be adorable. Interrupting our happy reunion of love and happiness, the bell rings and we head to Troylairs to sing our hearts out. The second sopranos usually have a rough time with the notes, but we usually pull through in the end. Either upset with a day of no success, or overjoyed with the accomplishments we made, I walk out of the classroom with Dawson to head over to our last class together, Algebra 2. In that class, I'm usually too exhausted to not act like myself, and I crack a couple of jokes, or feel like all of the material we're learning is easy. Other days, when I'm upset, I'll be the complete opposite, and I'll be silent and feel stupid with the material. When the bell rings for us to escape the long day, and retire to our houses. Dawson walks me to my bus and kisses me good-bye, and I get on the bus and talk to random people on the way home, usually leading most of the conversations I'm in. And that's pretty much it, except for maybe playing Minecraft with Dawson. Haha

Tell about your favorite school teacher and subject.
Mr. Burrows is a lively choir teacher who jumps around and is for the most part, very positive. Full of a ton of stories and inside jokes, this teacher is just very fun to be around. 

Well that's about it! I hope you thoroughly enjoyed this month's special blog-post! Keep inspiring!

Forever and Ever, Babe

16 months ago today, I asked an amazing boy to try out a relationship with me... That relationship is still running strong. We hardly ever fight, but when we do, it ends instantaneously. Drawkah is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I couldn't ask for a better man to be with for the rest of my life.

Today I spent the day with my father, and we did a number of things. First we went to the community park in Idaho Falls and walked around for a while talking about random stuff, and how Dawson asked me out to the Winter Ball, and all the fun things I've got planned for the future and we talked about how I'll be out of high school in about 2 and a half years,

We went to the temple and saw the restoration movie they had at the visitor's center, and afterwards we went to Smitty's and I worked on homework while we were there.

It was so fun, but the highlight of the time I had with my father was the conversation we had on the way home. He asked: "What are your life plans?" I said: "Dad... I want to marry him." There was a slight pause, and then I said: "Daddy, you know I love him." He replied with an "I know you do." We ended up talking about religion and how important it was that he goes on a mission. In the end, I know that I deserve a return missionary, but I'm not sure that's what Dawson has foreordained for him. Maybe he's meant to go into the marines, or maybe he's just meant to stay home with me. We don't have a clue... But, I know I want to be with him, and I don't think anyone can stop that. The next time he asks if I love him, I'll quote Adam Sandler from Click and reply "Forever and Ever, Babe."